BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

[Ilikelimes]

My BIL and his wife completely forgot my birthday this year. They didn’t text me until midnight to say happy birthday — literally just as the day ended.

I’m quite hurt, to be honest. I always make a real effort with their family: I buy their children’s birthday presents, make sure cards get there on time, and even give the kids pocket money when they walk my dog. I don’t expect grand gestures in return, but a simple “Happy Birthday” at a reasonable time doesn’t feel like much to ask.

My partner completely gets it and mentioned it to his brother, but apparently BIL was shocked I was even upset and couldn’t understand why. For context, I don’t have the best relationship with his wife — there have been a few issues.

Now, though, I’m feeling a bit deflated and fed up with always being the one to make an effort.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? I don’t usually care about my birthday, but for some reason it really got to me after realising I make all the effort!

Edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's privacy

Can't say I've ever text either of my SIL on their birthdays, or had a text from them either on mine. DP wouldn't hear from my brother either. Obviously I text my brother on his, and we always call their kids and get them a present, but is wishing an in-law happy birthday really a thing?

I don’t even have all my in laws numbers to even text them.

So you don't have the best relationship but you still expect them to give you the headspace of remembering your birthday and sending you something?

Yeah, grow up and get over yourself.

I have 3 SILs and could not tell you when any of their Birthdays are. They wouldn't be able to tell you when mine is either. I do not send cards to any of my Brothers just nephews and nieces.

No need to be so rude.

I see where you are coming from. When I was first married I sent DH's sisters birthday cards, sent them Christmas gifts, etc. When SIL2 had a child shortly after me I sent birthday and christmas presents. That's what my family do.

They never reciprocated. After five years I stopped. SIL1 once managed to get her christmas cards out by Easter!

Just stop spending any money on them op. Rely on your friends.

I don’t think many people know when their BiL’s or SiL’s birthday is. I certainly don’t and my in laws don’t wish me a happy birthday, nor I them. We still all get on.

My BIL is hit and miss with my birthday. Sometimes, I get a message, other times I don't. Really doesn't bother me. I still wish him a happy birthday every year as I don't base who I am on other people - I wouldn't stop doing it just because he doesn't every year.

I wasn't. If OP and the in laws got on well she might have a point. But they don't, so I stand by saying she should grow up.

I’m not claiming anything, I genuinely have no idea. I doubt DH knows ether. I also don’t have their numbers to send a text even if I did know, and I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time or money sending them cards and gifts.

Stop making the effort.
I think when people go all out to make a fuss of stuffike this, it can put people under pressure.

Match their effort in the relationship.
I don't wish any in law happy birthday because I have no idea, and I really like them!

Oh please don't be that relative.

My brother is very sensitive about people forgetting birthdays, especially his wife's - and guess whose birthdays drop out of my brain, even though they are in my diary in front of my blessed nose!

Everyone else just laughs it off if I forget.

Oh dear. Why on earth would your DH say anything to them about this? Your childish behaviour is hardly going to improve relations is it!

Thinking about it now I don't recall one of my SILs ever acknowledging my birthday. I'll go and make a voodoo doll of her immediately.

Yes, indeed. She is clearly Goody Proctor dancing with the devil.

You’ve got two choices here OP:

1. Grow up.
2. Do what my SIL did when she suffered the same life changing injury i.e. send a letter directly to your BIL at his workplace. In the letter set out your grievances and make it clear that following this deliberate act of aggression there will no longer be an exchange between your two households.

Use a girly pink envelope addressed by hand in girly curly writing. Write and underline “private and confidential” at the top of the envelope.

Ensure it is delivered at a time when BIL is working away so that it remains on his desk, in full view of the rest of the office, so that the rumours have time to develop.
After all, whoever is going to believe it’s from a deranged SIL and not a spurned lover?

You go girl.

You’re not 10! Get over it.

YABU. Making an effort for your nieces and nephews is the norm but if you don't want to, let your husband do it. Can't imagine getting worked up because my in-laws forgot my birthday, that feels strange and even stranger that you husband bought into it and raised it with his brother. Did your family and friends remember?

YABU unless you are 12 OP (and even then YABU)

I have 3 brothers and sisters in law (on my husband’s side) It was 5 until 2 died. Not once in 25 years have any of them wished me happy birthday. Not once have I been bothered by that.

Neither do I expect my husband to remember my brothers’ and sisters’ birthdays, let alone those of their spouses - I don’t even know all of those.

It's your boyfriends choice to buy gifts and cards for his relatives, why are you doing it for him?

I neither know, not care when my in-laws birthdays are, after 20 years of marriage.

I would too feel a bit upset. We send one another cards (yes my BIL and SIL and one another’s kids). We do text but admittedly the texts can be late in the day due to all have busy jobs etc but as long as I’ve sent the card on time I think that’s okay. But it does sound like you put more effort in than they do. So either pull back on your efforts a bit (to not feel like it is so one sided from your point of view) or just accept that in life some people but more importance on these things than others.

You're upset because you go the extra mile and don’t get anywhere near the same effort in return. You put so much effort into their birthdays and only expect a measly happy birthday text in return, which they could barely be arsed doing. Of course you’re upset. Stop bothering with theirs, just send them a text on the day whenever you can be arsed.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea when SIL’s birthday is. There was SIL #1 before her who BIL was with for 15 years and I couldn’t tell you when her birthday was either. 😂

I only know BIL’s because he shares it with another notable day, think like NYE.

I see everyone else remembering in the family group chat and I pile on. Otherwise, I’d forget every year. Dh does all cards and presents this family.

I wouldn't even be giving this headspace

My DH has 3 siblings, 2 always remember and we all swap cards and sometimes small gifts. 1 has never got me a card or wished me Happy Birthday, in fact he can barely wish his brother Happy Birthday or get a card to him on time.