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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

116 replies

Ilikelimes · 10/11/2025 21:36

My BIL and his wife completely forgot my birthday this year. They didn’t text me until midnight to say happy birthday — literally just as the day ended.

I’m quite hurt, to be honest. I always make a real effort with their family: I buy their children’s birthday presents, make sure cards get there on time, and even give the kids pocket money when they walk my dog. I don’t expect grand gestures in return, but a simple “Happy Birthday” at a reasonable time doesn’t feel like much to ask.

My partner completely gets it and mentioned it to his brother, but apparently BIL was shocked I was even upset and couldn’t understand why. For context, I don’t have the best relationship with his wife — there have been a few issues.

Now, though, I’m feeling a bit deflated and fed up with always being the one to make an effort.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? I don’t usually care about my birthday, but for some reason it really got to me after realising I make all the effort!

Edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's privacy

OP posts:
PoliteSquid · 10/11/2025 22:06

So your DH’s brother and his wife? I don’t know the date of my BIL’s wife’s birthday, not actually 100% sure how old she is! Same for my SIL (brothers wife).

We are a fairly close family as well!

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/11/2025 22:07

Eh, you are being unreasonable - it's a BIL not a brother. It's v hard to remember everyone's birthday.

I appreciate you are good to their kids, but kids' birthdays are generally treated as a big deal.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 10/11/2025 22:08

I always make a real effort with their family: I buy their children’s birthday presents, make sure cards get there on time, and even give the kids pocket money when they walk my dog.

And what does your partner (whose actual brother and SIL this is) do?

MummaMummaMumma · 10/11/2025 22:10

You "even give their kids money when they walk your dog" well yeh, you pay them a little something to do a job for you. Surely that's normal.
The brothers girlfriends birthday.... I'm sure they have other priorities.

HedwigEliza · 10/11/2025 22:10

YABU. You’re an adult. No one cares, except maybe your partner.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/11/2025 22:10

This is your partner's brother and his wife-they aren't actually really even related to you!

I'd stop all the gifts and cards for them and let your partner sort his own relatives out. You can sort your own relatives out.

ForLoveNotMoney · 10/11/2025 22:12

Was it your 8th birthday OP?

hehems · 10/11/2025 22:12

Personally, I would let it go.

I very often forget people’s birthdays (even when they are written on the calendar).

I wouldn’t take it personally.
They are probably really busy with the kids and work and just totally forgot. It happens. Don’t take it to heart x

Rhaidimiddim · 10/11/2025 22:14

Drop the rope. Leave the pressies and stuff for BIL, his wife and kids to your partner from now on.

You'll feel soooo much better once you stop trying.

RubySquid · 10/11/2025 22:17

Its really not a big deal. Cantbeven tell you my brothers wives birthdays , one been married over 20 years and the other 15, doubt they know mine either

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 10/11/2025 22:18

You've said your DH gets why you're upset, so he should understand when you pass responsibility for all cards and presents for his family to him. Once you're not putting the effort in, it should be less likely to bother you when it's not reciprocated. Put that effort into a new interest for yourself,

brunettemic · 10/11/2025 22:21

Was it your 5th birthday?

JudgeBread · 10/11/2025 22:25

I don't really think it's fair to compare making a fuss of people's kids on their birthdays to adults, and I'm honestly not one of those miserly 'grown ups shouldn't celebrate their birthday' types. It's just not the same thing.

I spoil my little niece rotten but I couldn't tell you right now when either my BIL or his wife's birthdays are and would be very surprised if they knew mine. Unless you all are really close I think it's a bit weird to be this upset by this.

Hercisback1 · 10/11/2025 22:28

You sound quite young and a little petty. Forget theirs next time if you're really that bothered. Bet she won't care.

McSpoot · 10/11/2025 22:31

I find it odd that you felt the need to have a dinner “smooth things over”. Did your invitation to them tell them that it was for this?

Royaly82 · 10/11/2025 22:33

You are being very unreasonable

Dollymylove · 10/11/2025 22:38

How old are you, 6?

TableLegs001 · 10/11/2025 22:38

I agree OP it is unfair. Maybe it is time to dial back on some things and see what happens. I’m in the same situation with my SIL. She never texts even though we text on her birthday wishing her a lovely day. She doesn’t buy gifts for me, DH or her niece. For years, DH and I showered expensive gifts on her and her family for birthdays and Xmas. I would also bring something crafty or fun and sometimes money, for the kids when we would visit. Never came empty-handed. I would also play with her niece and be positive and pleasant and polite. Have gotten nothing back.

She and her family just take, take, take. That’s all they know. Soon her kid turns 18 and we are finished. What a sad bunch of people they are in my opinion, to not have any sense of family. Her mum (my MIL) knows all this and actually is embarrassed and ashamed of her behaviour. Without us having complained to her, she has mentioned this and says how she didn’t bring her daughter up to be so rude.

TheendofmrY · 10/11/2025 22:45

Is life not busy enough that we can’t let family, beyond our immediate partner, kids, parents, off with not remembering to mark the day? It wouldn’t even occur to me to note that I’d not had a message from my BIL and SIL, never mind feel put out about it.

No5ChalksRoad · 10/11/2025 22:45

I haven’t the slightest clue when my in-laws were born.

DeliaOwens · 10/11/2025 22:57

I’m sorry you feel a bit let down OP. Realisations like this can be painful at first, but you will adjust…I can promise you will.

You might want to investigate your false consensus effect, (aka consensus bias).

I learned, far too late that, the harsh lesson that not everyone thinks the way you think, knows the things you know, believes the things you believe, nor acts the way you would act.

Match their energy! Reduce your efforts, they won’t notice, and you will have less pressure in your life.

LaughingCat · 10/11/2025 23:18

I couldn’t get het up by this. You’re an adult and they remembered (just!) and cared enough to message you in the middle of the night when they realised. Guessing you’re a glass half empty type though, OP.

Empress13 · 10/11/2025 23:20

BIL and his wife who you don’t get on with YABU

BoredZelda · 10/11/2025 23:58

TableLegs001 · 10/11/2025 22:38

I agree OP it is unfair. Maybe it is time to dial back on some things and see what happens. I’m in the same situation with my SIL. She never texts even though we text on her birthday wishing her a lovely day. She doesn’t buy gifts for me, DH or her niece. For years, DH and I showered expensive gifts on her and her family for birthdays and Xmas. I would also bring something crafty or fun and sometimes money, for the kids when we would visit. Never came empty-handed. I would also play with her niece and be positive and pleasant and polite. Have gotten nothing back.

She and her family just take, take, take. That’s all they know. Soon her kid turns 18 and we are finished. What a sad bunch of people they are in my opinion, to not have any sense of family. Her mum (my MIL) knows all this and actually is embarrassed and ashamed of her behaviour. Without us having complained to her, she has mentioned this and says how she didn’t bring her daughter up to be so rude.

Anyone who uses the term “showered with expensive gifts” is probably not doing so for altruistic reasons. If my SIL did that, it would make life very uncomfortable. I’d know I couldn’t win with that one, if I reciprocated with a gift, would it be expensive enough, did I have to “shower” them too? If I bought something too cheap, is that offensive. How do I respond to the gifts showered on me that I don’t actually want? Politely? With honesty? If I acknowledge their birthday with a simple text, os that worse because I’m acknowledging I know it’s their birthday but haven’t provided my own expensive gift shower for them? Gift giving isn’t a competition, nor should it be giving the burden of reciprocity. You give gifts because you want to.

My sister and I are very close. We celebrate each others’ birthdays. She knows and loves my husband. She has never given him a gift. I have no idea when her partner’s birthday is.

Setting expectations for others without letting them know you’ve done that is your problem and you don’t get to judge her for that.

RecordBreakers · 11/11/2025 01:15

Meh.
I'm another who couldn't get wound up about this.
One of dh's siblings tends to remember my birthday, the other isn't bothered about birthdays themself, so doesn't tend to do anything for anyone's birthday. That's fine by me.

I'm not one of those people who looks down their noses at adults celebrating birthdays - I always do something for mine - but I do something because I enjoy it. My BiL isn't bothered, so I don't do anything for him. That is fine with everyone. We all have that choice.