To think that men having standards is now weird

[Pluto5]

I've noticed a change in men. They won't tolerate anything anymore. I've been on dating apps for just over a year and I find that I ignore a lot of red flags, I see potential in men. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and then end up with egg on my face. I meet a lot of emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, cheats, people with drink or drug problems, ex issues. I find that if I like them enough I'll let bad behaviour slip.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain or ill call
out the disrespect. I've noticed that men are very quick to try and end stuff with you the minute you call them out or have a boundary. Is it just that women are replaceable to men now due to sites like tinder, or is it that they were never invested anyway?

recently have had a man chase me for 6 months, I didn't like him but because he seemed sweet I gave him a chance. Few issues that he didn't mention he had unresolved issues with his ex and he didn't want to rush into a relationship, this triggered me. I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage ( my husband died by suicide due to cocaine addiction) I don't feel I have baggage, I just expressed that when he doesn't message me for a long time it triggers me back to being in a relationship with an addict.

what I'm basically asking is if you really liked someone could anything put you off them as with me I'd say no. Im just thinking he couldn't have liked me that much.

’I started bombarding him …’

That kind of silly stuff will have all men running for the hills.

I think once the bombarding with paragraphs has started the relationship is doomed.

No one is this lacking in self awareness. No one.

You come across as being very intense and someone who analyses their partners every move and goes over and over to pick apart what they say.

Thats fine if that’s just how you are but men are usually looking for someone uncomplicated.

I would say that ignoring red flags and then trying to change men who don't want to change is your problem.

🍿

It would take lot to stop me running a mile from someone whose spouse had died by suicide with cocaine addiction. They would need to have done A LOT of working through that and processing stuff before they were ready to date. Bombarding with paragraphs? Not my job and I’m out.

You must have had it so hard. But also: not ready to get involved with someone else in a healthy way.

Assuming this isn’t a wind up….

OP, you have more baggage than British Airways and more issues than The Times.

Maybe do some work on yourself before getting into a relationship.

OP, you’re not ready to be in a relationship right now. You’ve had a tough gig, and it’s left you with the emotional scars. You can’t look to anyone else to heal those, or require them to change their behaviour because it triggers you, or bombard them with your pain and mistrust, or ask them to prove to you that they are not your ex by texting you on the timescales which make you feel safe. Work on yourself, rally your friends around you for support, and give yourself time. You won’t be able to have a happy and successful relationship whilst you can’t trust others, yet are still willing to put up with things which don’t make you happy because you’re desperate for somebody in your life.

Is this a reverse? If not, there is so much that doesn't make sense about this.

Why would you give a chance to someone you don't even like?
Why are you trying to change these men?
Why is it disrespectful that they won't change for you? Would you change for them?
Why are you ignoring so called red flags or lowering your bar for all these unsuitable men?
Why oh why are you sending paragraphs or getting "naggy"?
Why are you talking about your ex husband's suicide to someone you're only dating?
Why are you getting "triggered" by someone telling you their boundary, if you want to be able to set your own?
Just why why why

This has to be some weird reverse!

"I try to change these men". Give up now. Nobody, men or women, can have their complete personality changed.

Why are you trying to change them? They are who they are, no wonder they’re not happy about it. Like them for who they are or find someone else. Yes they do have standards and things they won’t tolerate and rightly so.

I could be head over heels in love obsessed with someone, but if they are not compatible when me on an emotional, communication or life goals level then I would absolutely walk away.

I only want to be in a relationship that furthers my life and makes me happy. If someone is too needy, jealous or pushy I’m not interested, even if I am in love with them.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain

Why on EARTH would you do this?

Tiresome reverse.

This is genuine, I'll meet someone they will tell me they cheated on say two exes, they will say their exes didn't have sex. In my head I kind of rationalise why a man would do that and assume he has learnt. Them a few weeks down the line the real cracks start to show then I think it wasn't a problem with their ex's.

I seem to feel like if I talk to them enough I can change people into being a better human being. It's never worked ever! Maybe I'm codependent still.

I just have this thing where I can't walk away but I've noticed that men don't seem to have that problem. One man recently told me " men don't need women anymore they are a liability" but he said women still need men.

Raise YOUR standards. Stop seeing potential and look for the real deal, the final package.

People for years said I was fussy when it came to men. But I didn’t care. I knew what I wanted and hung out for it. I was never going to entertain being with a man with kids, or who was divorced or who had a shit job or a general dickhead.

20 years on and I listen to all my friends moaning about step-kids and mental ex-wives I think I was right to be fussy.

Men have started to (many a long time ago) give up with dating and women.

"I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple"

Men want women who they can provide for and raise a family with. No disrespect to you, but you are showing the signs that you are not that kind of woman, so he's going to run for the hills, I'm afraid.

I think the bigger question is where are your standards?

Raise your standards OP. Red flags are a reason to drop someone.

OP, if you are still stuck in these patterns and want to date, try Burned Haystack dating, that will help you rule out these red flag men before you even start up a conversation, let alone do that for six months, and set boundaries for yourself and not worry about anyone else's boundaries as a consequence.

Don't train the men, don't even waste your breath trying to change them, just block them, move on and find someone without red flags in the first place (and the method will tell you how).

It's a group on Facebook if you are wondering.

Last time I recommended it, someone said it was too negative to men. I disagree, it can't be too negative in weeding out the red flags, and once you find nicer more normal men things will get a lot easier and being 'on patrol' and bombarding them with messages will stop (or it should as that's not a good way to communicate).

So you meet someone, decide that your view of how they should live their life trumps theirs, and then you browbeat them to get them to change who they are?

Do you see how incredibly arrogant this is?

One man recently told me " men don't need women anymore they are a liability" but he said women still need men.

Why are you engaging with misogynists?

If a man says that to you just simply say “ok, cool” and walk off.

I think you need to stop dating and invest in some therapy.

Burned Haystack is a GREAT dating advice.