To think that men having standards is now weird

[Pluto5]

I've noticed a change in men. They won't tolerate anything anymore. I've been on dating apps for just over a year and I find that I ignore a lot of red flags, I see potential in men. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and then end up with egg on my face. I meet a lot of emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, cheats, people with drink or drug problems, ex issues. I find that if I like them enough I'll let bad behaviour slip.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain or ill call
out the disrespect. I've noticed that men are very quick to try and end stuff with you the minute you call them out or have a boundary. Is it just that women are replaceable to men now due to sites like tinder, or is it that they were never invested anyway?

recently have had a man chase me for 6 months, I didn't like him but because he seemed sweet I gave him a chance. Few issues that he didn't mention he had unresolved issues with his ex and he didn't want to rush into a relationship, this triggered me. I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage ( my husband died by suicide due to cocaine addiction) I don't feel I have baggage, I just expressed that when he doesn't message me for a long time it triggers me back to being in a relationship with an addict.

what I'm basically asking is if you really liked someone could anything put you off them as with me I'd say no. Im just thinking he couldn't have liked me that much.

It's not just about looks it's just the last one I didn't fancy at all, he grew on me as he pretended to be nice for 6 months. Then said he showed his mate a photo of me and his mate said he could do better than me as I look like a school teacher 😂 how that is an insult I'll never know. Seriously annoyed me though as not being big headed I am much more attractive and I dress nice, look clean. He smokes and sells weed as he's out of work through apparently having an operation and can't work. But he's nearly 40 and dresses in tracksuits and man bags.... all my friends think I've lost the plot and I'm starting to agree.

my therapist said because I couldn't save my husband I'm trying to save all these men. It doesn't feel like that but I would like them to just conform to society and be a bit emotionally present

It's sounds like you are purposely going for these red flag types, that would send others running, in the hopes that they will be greatful and stick around forever as you feel they are beneath you, which they more than likely are if they have these faults. But it dont work like that. Shits serial cheats and liers don't change for anybody. They can bag the most amazing desirable woman in the world, their chaotic behaviour and thrill from doing the wrong thing won't be fixed by anybody.

For the best chance of a successful relationship, run soon as you see the red flags. Even if you like them, and they have been nice until that point. You are then off to a head start from the types you are currently looking for.

Also you probably need a lot of time alone 1st to become the healthiest version of you. It does sound like you have a lot of baggage, even though you denied it. Emotional damage you have not quite worked through is baggage. You said that the latest guy mentioned you are not mentally ill because .... why did this conversation come up in such early stages? Did you tell him you are mentally unwell?

In future I would avoid dumping emotional drama on someone so fresh in a relationship. A nice guy in an emotionally sound frame of mind with a secure life will run, as they want someone who is in a better place too for a healthy relationship with no drama (so get to a better place before dating so you can be this person and respect your self too). A guy with negative tendencies will either use your past hurt and emotional baggage to excuse their own shit things they offload on you, or use it to their advantage as they see you as weak easy pickings. Sorry, but it is true. No one, and I mean noone cares about a stranger enough to take you emotional damage stories and feel sorry for you or a deep routed need to care for you. There is no benefit to sharing this with someone you hardly know. Wait until you are in a long term place of security before sharing the past pain

Thank you and yes that's pretty much been my experience. I'm just too honest I guess. I thought it was best to get it louy in the open early. The narcissist I dated who actually is a proper narcissist, told me I killed my husband as a joke ( I left him and he took his own life) he would keep saying it claiming it was a joke. How sick can you get. Everything with him was about punishing women as he had some childhood problem with his mum.

I do think maybe I need to sit back a while longer. And I have adhd which makes me crazy so I told the last one I'm crazy and that's when he said he's seen no proof I just need loving. Then at the first sign of conflict branded me as crazy and said I'm beyond help.

I do think you're right though, it's like I'm buying a clapped out Old Ford and trying to turn it into a Porsche 😂 delusional. I just don't get why some people never want to be better people. It amazes me.

Doesn’t change what I said.

I'm sorry OP but the men who are ending it are behaving more healthily than you are. Because no, really liking someone isn't enough to progress to a serious relationship with someone if there are issues you're uncomfortable with.
I'm sorry again, but as someone who was in a serious relationship with an adict who died, I'd be amazed if you're not carrying baggage into your new relationships. Because that's a really big deal and leaves scars. In your case one of them may be an idea that men are all flawed and its your job to love them despite that.
I think you'd do better to decide your deal breakers in advance and stick with them regardless of a man's good points.

I think you’re weird and don’t have enough standards tbh. I wouldn’t go on a date with any men with those faults.

But it's YOUR VIEW of what would make them "better people". Who are you to judge? Is your life such an exemplar of emotional health that you are in a good place to offer such opinions - unsolicited opinions, at that - to someone you don't even know that well?

They are under no obligation to agree with you nor does it even mean your opinion is correct in the first place. To look at someone else and decide not only that they should live their life differently to how they're living it, but they they should be grateful for your input is hugely arrogant.

Have you ever read "Codependent No More"? I suggest you do. You might find it helpful.