To think that men having standards is now weird

[Pluto5]

I've noticed a change in men. They won't tolerate anything anymore. I've been on dating apps for just over a year and I find that I ignore a lot of red flags, I see potential in men. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and then end up with egg on my face. I meet a lot of emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, cheats, people with drink or drug problems, ex issues. I find that if I like them enough I'll let bad behaviour slip.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain or ill call
out the disrespect. I've noticed that men are very quick to try and end stuff with you the minute you call them out or have a boundary. Is it just that women are replaceable to men now due to sites like tinder, or is it that they were never invested anyway?

recently have had a man chase me for 6 months, I didn't like him but because he seemed sweet I gave him a chance. Few issues that he didn't mention he had unresolved issues with his ex and he didn't want to rush into a relationship, this triggered me. I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage ( my husband died by suicide due to cocaine addiction) I don't feel I have baggage, I just expressed that when he doesn't message me for a long time it triggers me back to being in a relationship with an addict.

what I'm basically asking is if you really liked someone could anything put you off them as with me I'd say no. Im just thinking he couldn't have liked me that much.

omg - that’s too much

That’s what I thought.

Op; read what you’ve written.

I seem to feel like if I talk to them enough I can change people into being a better human being. It's never worked ever! Maybe I'm codependent still.

Lol, I'm not sure who you think you are but you are making me laugh! 🤣

What you're really asking though is 'if you really liked someone could their behaviour put you off?' Of course for most people the answer is yes absolutely, but you're saying no. So what does liking someone mean for you? What is it you like if you're having to disregard someone's behaviour? Is it their appearance? You can be physically attracted to someone and not like them or want a relationship with them. But their behaviour is who they are!

Someone trying to change me or bombarding me would absolutely put me off. Is it possible you're starting relationships with men as you want to save them and you are looking for codependency? That's not healthy and will leave you vulnerable to abusive relationships.

Openly admitting that you overlook red flags is an issue in itself. Why would you try to change someone? You need better boundaries. In the gentlest way you have been through a lot and you don’t sound ready to date. Take a break, learn to be with yourself first xx

Don't try to change A man.
Just change THE man for another one.

If anyone said to me that they would like me if only I would change everything I am, then they might consider going out with me, I think you'd hear me laughing from the moon.

OP, you are going to see your ex in every man you meet until you do some work on yourself.

To be honest OP you sound like a huge walking red flag yourself 😬

1. You can't change men (or women)
2. You shouldn't even try.
3. It's a pointless exercise.
4. You shouldn't ignore red flags, or pink only or anything remotely resembling one.
5. Bombarding anyone with messages is wrong, intrusive, counterproductive and a complete waste of him, not to mention it makes people appear overbearing and unhinged
6. Stop dating potential (it will never be reached)
7. Stop accepting crap
8. Don't date people who don't make you feel safe, respected and secure

Write yourself a non breakable list of acceptable things you want from a partner.
The minute anyone falls short of these - get rid. They aren't good enough.

Not liking someone but giving them a chance because they seem sweet is a disastrous idea.

I really think you should do some work on yourself before throwing yourself into OLD, OP. It's pretty brutal at the best of times

🙄

what is the point of this thread?

Or maybe just stop dating.....for a very long time!

I wasn't dating this man, I kept seeing him on tinder saying he was looking for a long term relationship when in reality all he wanted was sex. He would keep going back to his wife then back on tinder. So I called him out and that's when he said that. I wasn't entertaining him.

I think perhaps take a break from dating and think about how you would feel if someone was bombarding you with messages. Also if a man basically says he will cheat if you don’t put out enough just walk away. I would have never married my husband if I felt he wanted to change me. No-one wants to be with someone who is highly critical of them.

You are an idiot to ignore red flags.

You are unreasonable to ‘bombard’ anyone with anything.

You might not have ‘baggage’ but you sound very far from being able to have a stable relationship with the various behaviours you describe.

They just want sex. End of list. Any hassle they just don’t want it.

This cannot be real surely. This combined one of the unhealthiest attitudes to relationships and an impressive level of self awareness that makes the former part so scary.

TLDR: I date awful people and ignore all the shit they do and then they dump me cos I try and make them change. I bombard them and when they subsequently dump me I don't understand why.

OP, you sound deluded.

I had a few disastrous situationships. This man was just funny, he never pressured me to meet, he would just send me funny voice notes and texts that would male me laugh.

I think that's what's hurt. I didn't like him in the fancying kind of way but he grew on me. He would say stuff like " you don't have mental health issues you just need some loving" then when I started showing signs of being a bit clingy if I didn't hear from him, he was quick to brand me insane. He started being really sexist too saying men shouldn't do what a women expects but the other way round is a must. He said " rules for willy and rules for Wilma aren't the same" 🤮 I couldn't believe how he changed after we started having sex, I did feel completely duped like he used me for sex and pretended to be someone completely different.

the paragraphs didn't make a difference he just picked bots out and twisted it. Plus mocked me for sending essays. I just don't get how he can be so heartless when he knows what I've been through. I expect men to have emotional intelligence, which most sadly don't. Or empathy

The issue isn't that men have standards which are too high OP, it's that your own standards aren't high enough.

Stop ignoring red flags because you think you can change these men and then getting hurt and frustrated when you can't. When you see a red flag, call it quits then, because otherwise you're only wasting your own time and breaking your own heart.

Me neither 😂 that's what I'm trying to work out. I was basically asking if anyone else does this if they meet someone they like? I know it's not healthy but can't seem to stop.

their avoidance triggers my anxiety, I feel sick if they pull away even when I know they aren't good for me.

OP, if somebody telling you “you don’t have MH issues you just need a good seeing to” comes across as “sweet” and entices you to have have sex with him instead of you running for the hills, and when it then comes as a complete shock to you that he was only after sex, you really are far too vulnerable to be dating.

I'm thinking this is going to be the way forward. Cut them off early before I get attached. Trouble is most people I meet have red flags. Maybe I attract them.

I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage

I don't think the men are the problem here.