To think that men having standards is now weird

[Pluto5]

I've noticed a change in men. They won't tolerate anything anymore. I've been on dating apps for just over a year and I find that I ignore a lot of red flags, I see potential in men. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and then end up with egg on my face. I meet a lot of emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, cheats, people with drink or drug problems, ex issues. I find that if I like them enough I'll let bad behaviour slip.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain or ill call
out the disrespect. I've noticed that men are very quick to try and end stuff with you the minute you call them out or have a boundary. Is it just that women are replaceable to men now due to sites like tinder, or is it that they were never invested anyway?

recently have had a man chase me for 6 months, I didn't like him but because he seemed sweet I gave him a chance. Few issues that he didn't mention he had unresolved issues with his ex and he didn't want to rush into a relationship, this triggered me. I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage ( my husband died by suicide due to cocaine addiction) I don't feel I have baggage, I just expressed that when he doesn't message me for a long time it triggers me back to being in a relationship with an addict.

what I'm basically asking is if you really liked someone could anything put you off them as with me I'd say no. Im just thinking he couldn't have liked me that much.

Kindly OP but you really need to get some therapy because your attitude to relationships is about as unhealthy as it can get. And the fact that you know this but carry on is kinda weird

It sounds like you are actively looking for an unhealthy dynamic but then end up disappointed with the results. Try to change the patterns you are stuck in. Counselling would help because it might be very difficult to grapple with these issues alone. Sorry for your recent loss too.

I took it as I just need to be loved not sex

I think you're the one with the red flags.

No need to be mean to the OP. OP, you are right, you are stuck in dysfunctional patterns and looking for love and long-term partnerships in the wrong places. Perhaps you had bad or no role models growing up and now you are just repeating what seems familiar, who knows?

I think your best bet is to get a therapist and work on understanding yourself better and then, after a year or two, use Burned Haystacks dating, preferably with a therapist to help you.

It's expensive to get therapy but not as costly as what you are doing now which is causing you so much stress and heartache (and you may end up with downright dangerous or nasty men, not just rubbish ones).

I think what I mean is some people put up with awful treatment I assumed because they like someone, now I'm thinking maybe it's because they are trama bonded or have other issues. Maybe healthy people don't. The men I'm meeting definitely aren't healthy but a lot of them are emotionally unavailable so maybe that's how they can cut you off easily

OP, it's also the case that most men on dating apps are a bit rubbish, and lots of them are emotionally unavailable, that's because lots of them are already married, in and out of relationships, using it to get free sex and all kinds of not committed behaviour. It isn't packed full of people looking for a committed long-term relationship or with the skills to sustain one.

There are nice people on there, but you have to avoid all the bad ones, and there are so many with a parade of red flags and you are ignoring the flags and keeping going with the awful ones anyway.

Honestly, Burned Haystacks will change your life as will having a good therapist to help you with this stuff, without it you are very vulnerable.

You have an exceptionally unhealthy approach to dating.

You need to raise your standards. Accepting shit behaviour because you "really really like" someone is the shit most of us grew out of in high school. Having standards, expectations and boundaries are good things. Letting shit men walk all over you does not make you a loving, good partner. It makes you a weak doormat. You need to work on that.

Thank you, you are right I'll look into it

So basically, you serially date men with massive issues like addiction, narcissism, infidelity etc because you’re hooked on the drama.

Then when there is no drama you create some, and get pissed off when they dump you because - unlike you - they don’t thrive on this angst-ridden, melodramatic shite.

OP, anyone with any sense would run a mile from your behaviour.

You might have a point. Because I've been in an addict relationship which is very destructive we get used to drama. I do have adhd too so maybe I need dopamine.

I want a normal partner; I don't know they have these issues at first.

I have a lot of male friends and I've always noticed that a lot of them really believe that once they commit to someone, they aren't allowed to say no or have needs or desires of their own. That is why they're so bloody scared of committing.

I have noticed as we have got older that some men (and the younger generation) are becoming more aware of their autonomy. This manifests by them realising that they have both the right and the power to ensure that they actually pair with someone they like and will continue to like and want to be with over the long term. They do become more picky. They do say no. They will let someone gorgeous go if they aren't right for them.

Thank you, out of all these responses this is what I was basically looking for..😂

im well aware of my issues but it doesn't excuse the men's double standards. They have a list of red flags and general crappy behaviour but they don't seem to want any drama and are very picky considering. I do think it's because people are disposable now.

Maybe that's why I cling on so hard. I'd rather try and work through issues than on to the next

Yes but just because a person isn't perfect, it doesn't mean that they have to accept a partner who has traits that they see as toxic.

It is true that they might be oblivious to the fact that their own traits are objectively worse than the person that they are rejecting, but it doesn't mean they have to ignore what they see and know to be problematic.

And generally speaking, people don't have to just give you a chance because you're not the worst person on Earth.

I have emotional baggage.I had a difficult childhood.I've had difficult relationships.

My best to move past it.Get a good career gets stability for myself.

Does that mean because I have some red flags and difficulties?I should accept anything in a relationship?

Kindly, you should not be dating right now.

Focus on loving yourself, even LIKING yourself cos you wouldn't let yourself be treated like this if you genuinely cared about yourself.

What sort of platonic friends to you attract? Are most of your friends awful to you too?

And no, healthy people don't get overly attached to people who are walking red flags.

I think you're missing the point. I'm talking about serial cheaters, narcissistics, addicts, etc. deadbeats of society. Then they have the audacity to find minor faults with you when you've overlooked massive ones in them.

maybe I need to work on self esteem. I think I'm very attractive. That's why I'm always shocked when they can bin me off when I'm more attractive, have a better job, nicer car, my own homes etc I find it laughable. They will over look all these qualities if I ask for a simple thing, or ask them to respect a boundary I put in place.

What do you mean by narcissist? That's just a buzzword now. Everyone is a narcissist these days. True narcissistic personality disorder is extremely rare. You can't just stick a label on somebody.

Also what you mean by deadbeat? If somebody isn't currently working or they've fallen on hard times does that mean there shouldn't have any standards and that they should accept a partner who's previously cheated, or will cheat on them?

If people don't meet your standards, does that mean they should have no standards of their own?

OP, you are picking men with in your own words massive faults, and then being surprised that they have massive faults; they aren't going to change, you need to stop picking them! and attaching to bad men who can't give you the reassurance and stability you want.

I agree your thinking is way off though about yourself and I think my advice on seeking a therapist still stands.

You cannot change anyone.

Only yourself.

Ask yourself why you are chasing emoly unavailable men. I'd look up attachment types and read mr unavailable and the fall back girl.

The first mistake is using dating sites that's where all the useless men hang out. Can't you meet normal men at work, through hobbies or wherever a dating site would be the last resort.

Your previous relationships all sound like unwell, unavailable men and I’m so sorry for your loss. Turn your love towards yourself & you’ll attract the right sort. A good therapist can help you with that, & picking a therapist is a great place to start practicing self care. I would begin with the BACP directory and see if any therapist profiles feel like a good fit. Write to 3. Turn your energy and attention back to yourself

Those things aren’t as important as personality and comparability though are they. Maybe that’s part of the problem, you think you’re more attractive than them and therefore they should change themselves to be with you.

Ok so men don’t generally like being ‘bombarded’ with essay length messages unless they are an academic in the humanities. A little tongue in cheek but I am one and my male colleagues and I often exchange essay length emails. Fairly standard, we’re used to writing lots and don’t mind.

The general male populous though, do not want essays so don’t do that. You’re going wrong because you’re too full on with men who aren’t that into you, sorry to say. If you’re a bit full on with a guy who gets you from the start it’s fine but if they’re on the fence and you’re throwing everything you have his way, of course he’ll run.