To think this was really cheeky of my friend!

[BreezyFish]

So my friend has just told me that she’s “only gonna spend a cutla quid” (her words, not mine ) on my DS this Christmas because she’s “saving for Center Parcs next year.”

Now, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but a cutla quid?? I actually thought she was joking at first. My DS is 7, not some random kid from school you pick up a selection box for. I always spend properly on her DD with last year it was a LEGO set, a book, and one of those slime-making kits that exploded glitter everywhere. Easily £25+.

So I said, “Oh right, just a couple of quid?” and she said, dead serious, “Yeah hun, can’t go mad this year, Center Parcs isn’t cheap.”

Sorry but since when did her holiday mean my son gets shortchanged?! It’s not my fault she wants to go be in a beige lodge with a swimming pool.

She’s now acting like I’m the unreasonable one for being “materialistic.” But surely it’s just basic decency to reciprocate roughly what someone else spends?

Would I be unreasonable to get her DD something from the pound shop this year and see how she likes it?

If you are that fussed about your kid not being deprived of presents and if this is even true , spend the £25 on an extra gift for them.

Hi OP just read your update.

You seem to do a lot of running around after this friend and its starting (not unreasonably) to make you a bit resentful.

Sounds like your kids are friends and you are often each other's go to emergency pick up, so I'm guessing you don't want to completely ditch the friendship as it would be awkward at school.

But stop running around after her. If she forgets her purse go for a walk instead of coffee. Start saying that you are really watching the pennies now because you are saving up for xyz.
She's got a phone hasn't she? Why can't she pay online like everyone else. She's not shy of adding up the favours she does you and making sure its even stevens to do the same. If you pay for coffee and this is recurring, text asap and ask her to bank transfer it. But be honest and say.. we're both trying to save so I think its easier if we both pay for ourselves and then we can keep track of the spending better.

She is playing on your generosity and relying on you feeling under obligation or not being brave enough to speak up. If you don't want to be in an unequal present giving scenario, stop the presents and talk to her about it. She's already brought up the subject.
You are putting yourself out for someone who sounds a bit like they are bossing you around. You've given enough examples to know how she is likely to behave so make a plan for each of those times, but most importantly don't lend her money, don't borrow from her, or ask for favours unless absolutely necessary and if you end up paying for drinks, text the amount immediately. But if she's got her phone on her, remind her she can pay on that.

Also. I thought your comment about getting her DD something from poundland in retaliation was a bit tit for tat and taking it out on the DD rather than the "Friend" - its not the child's fault.

My friend is having similar with her mum who says she’s only buying the kids something small because she’s saving for holidays with her friends next year. I think it’s fine to budget and people can spend whatever they want or nothing at all on gifts. But it comes across in a certain way when someone specifically says they’re not spending much on kids/friends/family because they’re saving up for something nice for themselves. They could just say they need to budget this year and leave off the reason

Who even buys presents for their friends' kids? This is not how it works at all in my friendship groups.

I'm beginning to understand why people spend all year scrimping and saving and stressed to fuck about Xmas if they're expected to spend £30 on everyone they know and all their offspring!

I'm sorry CuboidRectangle, to have chosen you to ask this this question to, especially as I have wondered about it for quite some time now, so please bare with me while I try to explain what my confusion is! I have genuinely never understood why people who are replying to an OP's opening post, one that they believe is so unbelievable that it must be a 'reverse,' think that it might well be an actual reverse? As you seem to be convinced that the Original Post on this thread, is a 'reverse' I thought that you might be a good person for me to seek clarification from.

I do understand that some posts seem so unlikely, or even ridiculous, that a Mumsnetter reading it might think "no, I don't believe such and such really happened", that makes complete sense to me - although, I don't think that Mumsnet rules allows us to accuse an OP, or PP of being a liar (which I think is a sensible rule).

What I don't understand, is the idea that an OP's OP must be a reverse, and not just a made-up post? After all, if it is an actual reverse, that must surely mean that whatever scenario the OP at the time is telling us about - @BreezyFish on this particular occasion - the almost unbelievable scenario did still really happen, so why is it more likely that someone other than a Mumsnetter (the OP of this thread on this occasion) did the ridiculous 'thing', rather than the Mumsnetter whose Original Post was the scenario being discussed?

I understand (thankfully) what I mean, so I hope that Cuboid does too, and will kindly explain to me what fact I am missing, or if Cuboid doesn't reply to me, I would be very grateful if someone else - whose brain is obviously working much better than mine - would be lovely enough to explain it to me!

Does she actually say 'cutla'? I've not come across this before, though I know of 'coupla'.

Can you just say something like ….

‘No worries. Are we saying a fiver is the budget or less, just so I know what to budget ?’

Then she will know you are getting the same - you can get Barbies for a Fiver on Amazon at the moment, I’m not sure what age they are - or buy a jar in Poundland and fill it with haribo bags or similar and I’m sure she would love that ?

Why have you added a fiver on to what the OP spent last year? You don't need to strengthen your point.

why do you call her a friend?

Bit weird not to, to me. I've met them many times, I'm fond of them, I take them out for the day and babysit them occasionally and I'm Godmother to several of them! I don't have children of my own (by choice) so I'm a net exporter, as well as being a far lower earner than many of my friends. My budget per child is £10-15, and I buy for 5 of them.

I've started buying for husbands too, just a token bar of chocolate, as it feels weird to buy for everyone except them! 😆

Perhaps you'd call me a mug but I'm a happy one with a good relationship with both my friends and their children...

You're right, my mistake. Spending £25 for each of my friends' kids means I'd only drop £625 on slime and glitter bombs rather than £750, which is much more reasonable.

Does she have a trip to Skye planned?

Not saying you're a mug at all - I just wonder how it's sustainable for people with a lot of friends! Particularly if those friends have a lot of kids!

We only buy presents for our DC and our nieces and nephews. It's like that for most people I know (unless they've married into a very gifty family in which case it's all the aunts and uncles and everything as well). I guess there's a lot of variation!

Buy her kid a selection box …. Sorted!

And if she'd asked for a bottle of vodka....?

Say it in a cockney accent and it does sound like a “t” not a “p”

Are these "Is my friend/relation a tightwad/Grinch for not spending as much on me as I'm spending on them?" posts some sort of new AI slop? There seem to be an awful lot of them.

YANBU.

Why should your friend have a holiday when your son deserves a gift.

After all last year you spent £25 on her DC so your son should have a gift from her of at least £30. And its not like shes given you 6 weeks to manage your expectations or anything...

There are multiple threads today on people cross with others for not buying them/their kids large Xmas gifts. I just don't get it - it's all such a waste. We buy our kids gifts, plus godchildren under 18, but no adults, no other kids. I really don't need any friends/parents/my brothers buying me something I don't need, nor do I relish spending hundreds on friends/parents/siblings. It's honestly so much more relaxed without piles of gifts.

So make today be the first of not being taken advantage of.
Tell her good idea you will be keeping it small this end and keep to it.
And dial back being taken advantage of in future for other things.

That was my immediate reaction. I’d scarper to some godawful Butlins in order to escape such a ghastly and bothersome present entering my house!

Yes just get her daughter something cheap .Kids just like getting presents. Generally some chocolate will be fine.
And start doing free things with her if she never pays.

Same as the Sis in law thread but they were going to Skye…

"Cutla quid" makes me want to remove my eyeballs so I never have to see it written down again.

On a serious note.. just agree NOT to do presents for the kids. No drama needed!

She’s told you in advance so you can spend the same on her child?