Interaction between DH and his ex - am I overthinking

[Thatsnotmykitten]

On Saturday DH and I went to a wedding for one of his old friends, while we were outside waiting for our cab his ex was also waiting for hers. They broke up many years ago, she has 2 children now, we have a DS. When we went outside and she was stood waiting I noticed they held eye contact for a really long time (or it at least felt like it), then DH smiled (like an ear to ear grin), and she started laughing. They didn’t say hi, she was holding one of her children’s hand, her DH was over chatting to some people.
I don’t know why but the whole interaction has made me uncomfortable, they didn’t speak all night, didn’t say anything in that moment either.
When we first met they were friends, the friendship seemed to die a natural death, but I know he follows her on instagram etc.
The whole prolonged eye contact, followed by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him then her laughing just felt like a very unnatural response to the situation?
I’ve tried to ask about why he didn’t speak to her and he said he didn’t think I’d appreciate it if her did, I then asked why did he smile so much and he said he didn’t know and that I’m overthinking.

AIBU to be worried?

Yes, you are overthinking.

You don’t think there is anything odd or unnatural about their response being to hold eye contact for ages, then he smiled like he was about to laugh and tilted his head back and she laughed but they didn’t bother to say hi to each other, despite at the start of the relationship he claimed they were just friends and he still follows her on socials?

Yes it would haunt me too as I’m a jealous person and these two have history. It’s quite an intimate gesture. YANBU to be affected by it but I think try to move on, ultimately he’s with you not her.

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is a massive overreaction. He should have felt able to speak to her too.

Maybe the smile/laugh was a sort of 'well isn't this all a bit weird' kind of thing - you know that is awkward and we have nothing to say or its awkward that we can't speak because you wouldn't like it.

Well, what significance do you think it has? What are you thinking a big smile towards an ex and old friend at a mutual friend’s wedding could represent beyond a big smile? Perhaps he had already said hello and spoken to her during the day, so a smile was all that was required upon leaving (and if you now say that you know they absolutely he didn’t because you were watching him constantly the whole day, then I’m going to suggest your feelings here are indicative of a more generally poor relationship you have rather than this exchange.)

You’re massively overthinking this. Forget it and move on with your life like they’re doing.

They may well have a bit of chemistry but I probably wouldn't read too much into it. He didn't even bother speaking to her at the start as he thought you wouldn't like it. Ok, they did speak in the end and maybe it was a nice chat but I honeslty wouldn't make more of it than necessary unless you really think things will go beyond that chat.

You are massively over thinking.

i an divorced. My ex is remarried and has two kids.

i’m polite to him when we meet which we do occasionally eg at our DD’s graduation.

I think he’s a grade A shit and I’d be happy to never see him again. It’s rude to say that in public so I don’t.

But I didn’t tell him not to speak to her? I was more surprised that he didn’t speak to her. If I ran into my ex in that situation I’d obviously say hi and introduce him to DS. It is the fact he didn’t speak to her that made it odd to me.
Admittedly she does make me feel insecure as she has 2 children is still slim, gorgeous and looks like she hasn’t aged at all, where as I feel like parenting has really made me look a lot older and I’m no longer slim/toned. However I wouldn’t have felt strange if he’d said hi to her at all and would have said hi too.
The whole interaction felt very strange and unnatural.

Sounds like one of those awkward omg what do I say smiles

But was it polite? He didn’t say anything to her?
I also know that he doesn’t view her negatively at all, they broke up due to her moving abroad for a year not a lack of love. I often worry that he feels she’s the one who got away.

I think it would have been more acceptable if they had been a conversation between them, if they are able to show that they have both moved on, they both have new partners and no lingering feelings, if they are able to be in a wider group of people (like the wedding of a shared friend) and converse; that is less red flag than what you describe.

What you describe is clandestine.

If they didnt do that because either you or both partners would kick off; then thats another problem but the clandestine manner you describe would have my spidey senses tingling.

Or it could be they felt awkward as someone else has said.

Maybe just keep your eyes peeled. I dont follow any of my ex's on socials... Dont make a big deal of it, if you ask you wont get the real answer, but be watchful.

I would think it was just a 'Well look at us now' shared moment. Not intimate, just the kind of thing you do with people you used to know and don't really want to get into an awkward conversation with.

I would totally think the same as you! Very odd to have that kind of eye contact, with no speaking, then a big smile. Hopefully they aren't in contact normally.

See that’s where my mind went. I’d never check DHs phone so I have no idea if they message on insta or similar. When we first met he used to call her on his walk home from work everyday then the friendship died off. It didn’t read to me as two totally neutral people as I’d guess they’d either say hi or barely acknowledge each other. In this case I could feel tension and it wasn’t an awkward smile it was the same sort of head back against the wall smile DH would do if he was being flirty with me.
For all I know he didn’t want to speak to her as they message behind my back and speaking would risk me finding out if they accidentally mentioned something.
I could be overthinking and I generally trust DH but with his ex I just feel something is off and have from the beginning.

You think he thinks she's the one who got away and you still married him yourself?

I would have no patience at all for a partner who quizzed me about how I looked or smiled at an ex without even saying anything. Irrational jealousy is such an exhausting thing to deal with from the other side.

If a woman was posting about how her husband was quizzing her about how she smiled at her ex the thread would be a flood of LTBs.

Ask him what that was all about?

I have he told me I was overthinking and didn’t want to say hi as he didn’t think I’d like it. I told him it made me feel weirder that he didn’t say hi and the prolonged eye contact felt a bit flirty, all he said was “think what you will but you’re overthinking this”.

Did they speak when they were inside or alone during the day? The eye contact and smile could just be out of awkwardness but the laugh made me think did they speak earlier and have an inside joke? Or could she have been laughing with her child and happened to catch his eye at the same time?

It sounds like you didn't need to tell him not to talk to her - he knew it would be a big drama if he did. And given that you're now obsessing over it when all he did was look at her and smile, clearly he was right.

I don’t think so, I wasn’t glued to him all day so I can’t say for sure but he certainly didn’t mention speaking to her and I didn’t see him speaking to her.

Her child was pretty sleepy and they held eye contact for a good while before she started laughing which seemed to be in response to his what I would read as flirty smile (head tilted back against the wall, ear to ear grin and hand through his hair (though he does do this a lot)), her laugh didn’t seem like she thought it was funny though more of a half laugh half smile, went back to eye contact for a moment after then our cab arrived.

It does sound like there would be something going on, if the opportunity came up, perhaps. At least on his side.
If they were cheating they probably would have ignored each other or made efforts to seem more normal though. I'd be snooping my head off, but it probably would be better to just spend that time and energy on yourself, prioritise yourself.

It reads like a very minor incident in which two people who used to know each other well saw each other but didn't say anything, and that made them both laugh.

However, let's assume they are having an affair. Why would they then stare and laugh at each other? Wouldn't they instead act more deviously?

They have a history together so it would be bizarre for them to be totally neutral if/when they bump in to each other. They clearly split on amicable terms. What would you have preferred he do? Ignore her? Loudly shout at her to leave him alone? Give her the finger?

TBH this sounds much more to do with your insecurities around how your body's changed after having children than anything that your DH and his ex have done. They smiled at each other. That doesn't mean they're immediately going to rip each other's clothes off.

You are not overthinking but this need not be a huge dramatic schism in your marriage unless he makes it one. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say it made you feel crap, which is what we're talking about really. It's not a 'think what you like' situation if what you're thinking is really hurtful and shit.