Interaction between DH and his ex - am I overthinking

[Thatsnotmykitten]

On Saturday DH and I went to a wedding for one of his old friends, while we were outside waiting for our cab his ex was also waiting for hers. They broke up many years ago, she has 2 children now, we have a DS. When we went outside and she was stood waiting I noticed they held eye contact for a really long time (or it at least felt like it), then DH smiled (like an ear to ear grin), and she started laughing. They didn’t say hi, she was holding one of her children’s hand, her DH was over chatting to some people.
I don’t know why but the whole interaction has made me uncomfortable, they didn’t speak all night, didn’t say anything in that moment either.
When we first met they were friends, the friendship seemed to die a natural death, but I know he follows her on instagram etc.
The whole prolonged eye contact, followed by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him then her laughing just felt like a very unnatural response to the situation?
I’ve tried to ask about why he didn’t speak to her and he said he didn’t think I’d appreciate it if her did, I then asked why did he smile so much and he said he didn’t know and that I’m overthinking.

AIBU to be worried?

I think his explanation is thoughtful, rational and mature.

People wouldn't be human if they felt a twinge of "what if?" upon seeing an ex. And as he said, to see one another with spouses and kids is one of those surreal life moments. I bumped into an ex at a fayre type thing with his two little kids; he laughed and shrugged like "yep, here I am, diaper-toting daddy, lol!"

If you keep poking and prodding and demanding explanations, you won't be making yourself look BETTER by comparison to her, who was capable of just sharing the rueful laughter and moving. You will come across as immature, jealous and a PITA.

Imagine if you had just said "Her kids are so cute," and left it at that.

All of that is rational, normal, thoughtful (much more thoughtful than irrational jealousy actually deserves) and self-aware. None of it means anything untoward is going on.

Your instinctive reaction that he's deleted messages is ridiculous because you're essentially going to be suspicious regardless of what he says or does.

And the reason for that isn't because of a brief smile at a wedding but because you've always been jealous of the ex, it's been the undercurrent to your entire relationship and you married him anyway.

Seems like something a chap on Eastenders would say. Does he watch a lot of soaps?

You are overthinking. He may still hold a candle for her but if he did he would be more likely to abruptly leave and avoid her.

People wouldn't be human if they felt a twinge of "what if?" upon seeing an ex.

Gotta admit, my usual thought is, Ffs. Bullet dodged.

It sounds like he gave you a very honest response to a very normal and understandable situation.

You sound... well, a bit mad, if I'm being totally honest. You're massively, massively overthinking this entire interaction. And the poor bloke can't win now. You're convinced he's been messaging his ex, so he's offered to show you his phone to prove he hasn't, and you've now decided this just means he's guilty? Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for him.

Ah listen OP I think it's totally natural that you felt jealous because honestly you unfortunately witnessed something you shouldn't have. He would have been more discrete if he was sober.

They had 'a moment'. It was them that shared it so you were left out. And the moment was about their shared history.

Fwiw he sounds a good 'un because instead of going stubbornly down the 'I've done nothing, you're crazy, possessive and jealous' he actually told you the truth.

I do remember being at a funeral once and my ex came walking down the aisle and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. It was so abrupt the people behind him banged into him and he still kept staring at me.

He was getting married the next week. He is totally utterly committed to her, never flirted with me or anything like that in the fifteen years that followed but for whatever reason seeing me collided with whatever was going on in his head. He hadn't expected to see me and it was just weird.

I remember thinking how hurt his fiance would have been if she had seen the reaction.

Big hugs to you. I am sure it stings but there is no reason to think there is anymore to it.

I think the response was OK too. You may not have exactly enjoyed the answer but it sounds honest at least. Not like a man scurrying to explain.

I don't think you sound mad though. But I would probably decide just to grudgingly accept it at this point. It would be nice if life were really all 'you are my one true love and nobody else has ever even piqued my interest' but realistically it's not is it.

Made you more suspicious? How?? Why?? Your poor husband!
He's given you a brutally honest yet still totally reassuring answer as to what that little moment meant. What else can he possibly say? His response sounds lovely, genuine and I would totally believe that. I applaud him for actually saying it, must've taken guts, knowing you still might take it the wrong way. I'm sure he realises this is hurtful from your perception, but what else can he say now if that has made things worse? Any reasonable person would accept that surely? Can't you think about what he's said rationally?
Take a step back from your insecurities now, or you'll be brewing up trouble for yourself.

Wow aren’t you such a cool girl? Calling someone ‘mad’ when their husband has just got gushy over his ex. She’d be mad not to feel a bit put out. And feeling ‘sorry for him’… God, raise the bar ffs.

you lost your argument with your "cool girl" nonsense.

The OP started that entire argument herself by accusing her husband of cheating on her because he smiled at someone.

Imagine this post in reverse.

“I split up with my ex years ago. No hard feelings, but I haven’t seen him since then, he lives at the other end of the country. I’ve since met my husband and had kids with him. Last night we were at a wedding and my ex was there - I wasn’t really expecting to see him and he was a big part of my life for years so I just found myself smiling at him. No words exchanged, just caught each other’s eye and laughed and that was it. Today, my husband is demanding to know why I smiled, implying that I’m having an affair and accusing me of messaging my ex on social media. I’ve tried to explain to him why I smiled and have even told him he can go through my phone if he wants, but he says that just makes it more likely that I’m lying because I must have deleted any messages. He won’t let it drop and I don’t know what to do.”

Everyone would be telling the OP her husband was being obsessive, paranoid and borderline abusive.

The 'roles reversed' schtick is so boring. Genders are differently socialised. That is why they are different. It very rarely works to do a straight swap.

However if my husband told me that I'd looked at my ex like I was sharing a private, intimate joke with him while he was standing right next to me at a wedding and that it had upset him and made him feel crap, I would apologise and explain. Which the OP's H has done. That's what you sign up for when you get married or make a commitment to someone - fine, it's not like you're never going to flirt with anyone ever again, but to have an obvious shared private moment in public when your OH is RIGHT THERE is disrespectful and feels like shit for the OH.

I'm interested in why you think "roles reversed" is irrelevant in this particular case, because there's no aspect of gender socialisation that would justify this level of paranoia either way to me.

Amazed that you'd apologise or explain to your husband though. I wouldn't be able to take such irrational jealousy seriously. I suppose one of the reasons DP and I picked each other is because we'd both think this entire scenario is batshit.

Could it have been an just an awkward reaction? Seems strange!

Yes.

Role reversal absolutely does work in this situation because there is no gender norm for paranoia and obsession.

Women are conditioned to take any old shit from men in the name of a 'happy' relationship, basically. That's not to say some women never give some men a load of shit but women are trained from an early age to keep quiet about ill-treatment from men.

I'm not engaging with the idea of whether or not there are 'gender norms for paranoia and obsession' because it's too ridiculously phrased to discuss.

All of this is exactly how I'd feel and behave if I ran into one of my exes and he now had children. They're completely understandable emotions. Your dh was really open with you and that's a good thing.

I have an ex I was with for 2y and I really thought I'd be with him forever. I was heartbroken for years when we split up. I now have a husband who is better in every way and I'd never trade him for the ex. But I'd still feel a whole bundle of nostalgic emotions if I met the ex now, who I haven't seen in years. Especially if I saw he had a daughter who looked like him and had the name he liked etc, that's a really relatable thing your dh said.

I think trust your gut. They could be having an affair. It happens. And if you feel like something is going on, see if you can find any other clues

They're not together anymore but they have chemistry. Chemistry is very different from love, commitment, marriage, children. I would try to forget it.

Oh,the head back ruffle hair gesture, as seen in romantic movies.. My ex who was a grade A charmer ( and also a prize dickhead on a lot of counts) did that to me when with his new partner. I also smiled , at the familiar gesture ( whilst knowing he was a charming twat). Dont worry. And if you are not happy with your appearance, take some time to concentrate on you x

I think I would smile if I saw one of my exes with their child. Doesn’t mean I want them or would ever want to get back with them . I would expect some awkward small talk at the very least though .

i recently went to a wedding with my husband of 3 years and his ex- wife was there. I hadn’t spoken to her before but had seen her at family things. We went over and the four of us had a conversation like adults. Also my ex husband just texted me today about who was doing the Lego advent Callander this year for our grandson. We all have ex’s and we all loved them at some point.

Your better half has a history, so do you no doubt. It's just life. Their reaction was fine imo, it sounded more awkward to me. Actions speak louder than anything - he's with you, not her. Brush it off?

NBU to be feel worries but feelings arent facts. Hes with you. I think it could mean something or nothing. Try to let it go

This is the thing isn't it though? If it was just some random woman, we can all put it down to a bit too much to drink, look but don't touch - but when it's an ex it's just such a different thing altogether as they have shared history.

I totally understand your feelings OP. I would feel the same.