Interaction between DH and his ex - am I overthinking

[Thatsnotmykitten]

On Saturday DH and I went to a wedding for one of his old friends, while we were outside waiting for our cab his ex was also waiting for hers. They broke up many years ago, she has 2 children now, we have a DS. When we went outside and she was stood waiting I noticed they held eye contact for a really long time (or it at least felt like it), then DH smiled (like an ear to ear grin), and she started laughing. They didn’t say hi, she was holding one of her children’s hand, her DH was over chatting to some people.
I don’t know why but the whole interaction has made me uncomfortable, they didn’t speak all night, didn’t say anything in that moment either.
When we first met they were friends, the friendship seemed to die a natural death, but I know he follows her on instagram etc.
The whole prolonged eye contact, followed by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him then her laughing just felt like a very unnatural response to the situation?
I’ve tried to ask about why he didn’t speak to her and he said he didn’t think I’d appreciate it if her did, I then asked why did he smile so much and he said he didn’t know and that I’m overthinking.

AIBU to be worried?

I always recommend women to follow their instincts in situations like these. It is quite weird that they didn’t speak at all and then had this moment. But equally, if they were having a secret affair to the point where they felt they couldn’t say hi normally without giving themselves away, wouldn’t they also have not looked at each other? If they were hiding something it’s quite odd that they suddenly forgot this with a big gaze and smile. Which makes me less suspicious tbh! But if you’re worried, do some digging! All’s fair in love and war etc.

Unless it’s a case of DH was definitely drunk and I imagine she had drank a fair bit and they both were aware enough to not speak but didn’t have full control over body language since they were drunk?

I really don’t want to check his phone but something about it just doesn’t sit right with me.
I know this will sound odd but I think when you are married to someone you know what they look like when they are flirting, and that’s what it looked like to me.

So you need to bring it up again and tell him you feel hurt and ask him what he was communicating. I have been where you are and it was humiliating. I don't think it was a huge marriage-breaking story in my case but I finally got DH to concede the 'look' was inappropriate and that he really did not want to hurt me either by flirting with someone else or making me look fucking pathetic while he did it in front of me.

As long as you’re not generally a jealous person and this is a singular incident that’s caused you to worry, just check his phone. 90% of affairs are discovered this way. I’m sure some people will judge but I won’t! I also wouldn’t bring it up again before you do as you don’t want to warn him.

BUT if you’re jealous constantly about everyone and everything then my advice would be different. Checking his phone won’t make you feel better, it will just give you short term relief and this is a you problem that needs sorting via therapy.

It could just be a mutual acknowledgment of “well, this is weird!” or “yes, we’ve both certainly aged!” rueful laughter.

I wouldn’t worry about it. Be worse if he were spiteful and vindictive toward exes.

See I don’t think I’m generally jealous, DH has loads of female friends, goes away for work often or weekends away with his friends and none of these ever bother me.
His ex does make me jealous though and in the early days of our relationship she made me very jealous (he admitted that he called her on the way home from our first date, they used to call every day and when she moved back to the uk he made a big deal of organising a welcome home party with their friends (we’d been dating 4 months at this point). Then almost out of nowhere they just seemed to talk less and eventually the friendship just died a bit, they kept following each other on socials but didn’t go to each others weddings.
Now this just doesn’t feel normal at all.

I’d definitely say they were flirting then. Quite disrespectful to you whilst you’re stood there and also to her DH. That doesn’t mean anything is going on they just gave a flirty smile but I’d not be ok with my DH doing that

I would dump or divorce a partner who snooped in my phone. Invasions of privacy are worse than infidelity.

No they're not.

I imagine the eye contact & smile was probably a mutual "this is weird isnt it, we were married once now look at us with other people like 2 strangers".

Everyone saying just ask him what that was all about are correct, however if husband says to his wife "you looked & smiled at someone, what was that about" then he is abusive/controlling.

He can be happy to see her without it affecting his feelings for you.

I think you're feeling insecure about how your body has changed. What you do about that is something to think about.

They shared a life together at one point. There’s history and that’s ok. They obviously didn’t work out for a reason.

It was probably a “hey look at us now with our kids and new partners” kind of look and laugh.

I wouldn’t think too much into it.

Sounds like it was just one of those laugh in relation to how much life has changed. Nothing to worry about. I would not over think it.

If I was stood waiting for transport at the end of a long day socialising, I would have run out of words too.
Your stood there, she's got a sleepy child, he's got his wife, everyone has hopefully had a few glasses and enjoyed a positive wedding. What is there to say? The moment is so complex, wake the child introduce you ex in child friendly terms. Go through platitudes at the end of an evening with the newly introduced current wife?
I think it's not worth any more headspace.

You would feel better if you addressed what is making you insecure.
He doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong here. He obviously did fancy her and she still looks good.
If you felt good yourself, you wouldn't care.

This is based on not knowing how your marriage is, obviously. I'm assuming you are happy and love each other.

Mmmmm I’m in with u on this if it felt unnatural I’d say your gut is trying to tell u something specially if your not an overthinker by nature !
I would think going out of his way NOT to speak is a bit suspicious and the eye contact and smile it’s all a bit secretive !
Try and check his devices and make sure u don’t seem suspicious otherwise that gives him time to get rid of any evidence x

It was probably just a silly in joke between them. Maybe laughing at the awkwardness of the situation or something. Who knows. They didn’t even speak so I think this is a big overreaction and you’ll make yourself look very silly if you pursue it much more.

Look at it this way- your DH’s ex doesn’t hate his guts. That’s something.

They were intimate at one point, they were in love. They've long moved on, but they are still allowed to have a certain fondness for each other. They shared something special, they were younger, and by now hopefully they only have happy memories.

They had a "moment" smiling at each other, big deal. Yes, you can be jealous because she's his past and she was important and special to him, but that was then.

It means absolutely nothing today when she's holding her child's hand and he's standing up right next to you. They are still allowed to to smile and find each other cute in that moment. Doesn't mean they're going to book a hotel room or even that they even fancy each other!

Take it as a private joke. They can't have been that serious as they BROKE UP!

I think you are being naive. It was obviously a shared moment between the two of them that you are just not privy to. Maybe he or she pulled a funny face and that caused your DH to smile and she laughed.

I can totally see why it bothers you but let’s be honest you have no idea what shared history they have. It was a little moment between two ex lovers who have now moved on.

I passed an ex in a shopping mall a few months back. He was holding hands with his wife, clocked me and winked and smiled. I nodded hello. It was a split second interaction that no one else noticed but it felt really good to see him and we both got a little buzz from it.

They are old friends , they had an interaction that is it. You are massively overthinking

Idk his reaction to me mentioning it again just now has made me even more suspicious.
All I said was I’m sorry if I’m overthinking but it did make me a bit jealous and it felt like “something”.
All he said was “you are overthinking, it was a weird moment, it’s the the first time we’ve seen each other since we both got married and had kids. There was a time where I thought she was the one I’d marry and have kids with and yeah in the moment my mind went to “god 10 years ago I thought she would be married to me and instead of that being another man’s kid it would be mine”, I don’t want her, I don’t miss her, I don’t talk to her but nostalgia creeped up on me and you’re making it a way bigger deal than it is”
I then asked him why he smiled and he said he didn’t really know and rambled a little about nostalgia and just thinking about how happy they were once upon a time. Then he said and “if you want total honesty I probably did think she looked fit too, doesn’t mean I think she’s more attractive than you or anything it was just in the moment”. He then asked me not to make a big deal out of it as it was just nostalgia, memories and drink mixing. He then said he probably also smiled as he remembered how much she used to want to be a mum and seeing her with one of her daughters who she had given the name she always said she would too made him happy as he knew how much she had wanted that.

Then he said you can check my insta DMs which just makes me think he’s deleted them.

All he said? He said a hell of a lot! 😂

He still hasn't done or thoughts anything wrong, you are completely over-reacting. It's human to be miffed to be reminded he loved someone else at some point, but you probably had boyfriends too. It's history, let it go.

Focus on why you are so insecure at the moment, nothing to do with her.

they're just as bad. Invasion of privacy are not little things,.

Sounds like a little awkwardness between 2 exes. I wouldn't worry about it if this is all it is and nothing else has made you worry about them