Interaction between DH and his ex - am I overthinking

[Thatsnotmykitten]

On Saturday DH and I went to a wedding for one of his old friends, while we were outside waiting for our cab his ex was also waiting for hers. They broke up many years ago, she has 2 children now, we have a DS. When we went outside and she was stood waiting I noticed they held eye contact for a really long time (or it at least felt like it), then DH smiled (like an ear to ear grin), and she started laughing. They didn’t say hi, she was holding one of her children’s hand, her DH was over chatting to some people.
I don’t know why but the whole interaction has made me uncomfortable, they didn’t speak all night, didn’t say anything in that moment either.
When we first met they were friends, the friendship seemed to die a natural death, but I know he follows her on instagram etc.
The whole prolonged eye contact, followed by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him then her laughing just felt like a very unnatural response to the situation?
I’ve tried to ask about why he didn’t speak to her and he said he didn’t think I’d appreciate it if her did, I then asked why did he smile so much and he said he didn’t know and that I’m overthinking.

AIBU to be worried?

IMO YABU in automatically thinking there’s anything to be worried about, but it was very unfortunate that you had to witness a sort of intimate moment between exes. I wouldn’t want to have to watch my partner reminiscing while staring longingly into his ex’s eyes.

Saying that… I wouldn’t want my partner following exes on their socials.

I read all your posts and his explanation seems quite plausible.

I did also wonder if the friendship actually ended naturally or he felt he needed to reign it in so as not to upset you. He seems to think talking to her would upset you, but in not talking to her, he has in fact upset you, so 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Wow fascinating. I had pasta for dinner.

Would you like to maybe reply something relevant to the OP?

This - you are bu your DH is entitled to a bit of nostalgia.

I saying we all have a past and we all loved them at some time. To be an adult and except it. Always amuses me how rude people are on here.

They share a history. You cannot erase the time and at one point the love they shared. Be glad they are mature enough and have grown enough to share a moment at a mutual friends wedding, which certainly may have brought up old memories. Let it go.

Why is he following her on Instagram?

Hiya I don't think you are "overthinking" at all. A woman's intuition can go a long way. The laugh in the way you described sounds like a bit of an "inside laugh" or "inside joke" for sure. However, this does not necessarily mean he is cheating or has cheated wit her. It could just be from the whole awkwardness of the sitiation - which someone else has said. I think that is quite a plausible response too. And actually him not talking to her which may seem odd on the one hand - I get that. But that is also quite respectful behaviour towards you - maybe he senses that you are jealous or a bit insecure around her so that could be it. I would maybe bring the topic up with him again - after a couple of days or so and actually thank him for respecting you and for not speaking to her etc (can you imagine how you would have fel t if that big laugh came when he was talking to her on the otherside of the room, out of earshot?!). But also you can say to him that you would want him to feel comfortable to have a casual conversation with an ex - in a setting like that and it would not have offended you... there's a fine line. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded them having small talk / cursory chit chat. But obviously a full on convo for ages would not have been appropriate either... so I would use this as an opportunity to talk about your relationship with him to a degree.

One thing I would defo be setting as a boundary though is no following exes on social media... nope that's crazy and off bounds, so no. If he refuses just say how would he feel if you started following all of ur exes or allowed them to follow you...?

Also, i'm just saying this just because. I personally think the whole "Oh I would never check my partner's phone" etc is a bit overrated. My husband and I currently share the same personal laptop and we feel free to pick up each other's phones at ease to take pictures; browse the internet etc I don't see anything wrong with that - we're open with our devices etc and tbh if I had an odd-feeling about something and had access to his device, I would go for it. No questions asked... I think absolutely blind trust in this day and age is a bit naieve and openness isn't a bad thing...

Im afraid your DH and his ex have a whole history together, which you were not part of.
Was she his first love?

It does seem like there was a brief frisson between them. Perhaps they momentarily found themselves back in time reliving that spark they once shared. The laugh could've been an in-joke pertaining to something they once shared, or simply "look at us both now."

I absolutely don't think you're being unreasonable. You know what you saw, and how it made you feel. I'd be the same. Those here saying otherwise are probably not being truthful with themselves if they think they wouldn't react in the same way.

I think the question is, has he truly let go of those feelings for her? Are you enough for each other? Perhaps a heart to heart is in order . Xx

It would be naive to think there's never a moment where you see an ex and reflect, especially if you haven’t seen them for years. You're not being unreasonable, you noticed that moment.

But whilst its uncomfortable, your dh has given a completely honest and plausible explanation for it. I'd let it go.

I don’t think you are over thinking. You witnessed what felt like an intimate moment between the two of them or perhaps a private joke. It must have felt really uncomfortable. Having said that, one look between two people doesn’t mean that there is anything going on or anything to worry about. I always think it’s a good sign when men are on friendly terms with their exes. So I’d try to put it out of your mind. He’s with you now and it sounds like she’s got a happy family life.

His response to you sounds genuine and honest. I'd respect him for that.

He sounds quite sweet actually - it would be weird if you bumped into someone you used to care about but hadn't seen for ages, and DIDN'T have a little upsurge of feelings. It's only human!

I’d check his phone. Yes yes how awful. I don’t care.

I think what you saw was an exchange between them both acknowledging that they’ve both moved on and are happy and settled - I think it was an “ah look at you - married and with kids like you always wanted - I’m really happy for you” smile. I wouldn’t read anymore into it xx

Weirdly, I think this does make sense. I can relate to that. He’ll probably always hold some sort of feelings for her due to how it ended, he is human, that does not mean anything negative for how he feels towards you, or that he’d act on it. Maybe he was being sensible not talking to her if he felt feelings would stir. Good on him. Kept it in his pants!

You generally trust him etc.. It feels he kept his distance out of respect for you, and her husband maybe too, especially if he’d had a drink.

Their friendship may have naturally died because one or both had moved with someone else. Sometimes one hold a secret hope that the other will get (back?) with them? 🤷‍♀️

Try to let it go and move on.

That sounds like a genuine response from him and completely honest. I think you’re feeling a bit rattled that someone can think fondly of their ex - but that’s way better than being bitter about someone. Nostalgia and awkwardness between them is natural…

You can’t chain a soul and tbh he’s got a family with you. He’s married to you and if you push this or go more insecure then he’s going to think she is the one who got away… she’s his ex. He knows insta isn’t real. I’m fb friends with an ex or two. I was a lot younger than one and perhaps could be said that im more attractive than his wife. But she’s 12 years older and he chose to marry her not me. And you don’t base relationships purely on looks! He occasionally messages me telling me I’m still pretty and I disengage from that chat and keep it friendly out of respect for his family. Asking how his wife and kids are. She’s the mother of his kids. I’m a random ex who only exists in the rear view mirror. He might put me on a pedestal who knows but I hope he knows I’m not real. It’s just nostalgia. I have my own family and I may smile at some memories, but I don’t rank my relationships.. that one is gone. Just like this woman is part of his past as long as you don’t drag her into now.

if he’s saying he thought she looked fit and you think he looked flirty then I think it’s safe to say that he was giving her a flirty bit of body language. Don’t let him make you feel you’ve gone mad!

I don’t think you’re overthinking. That sounds like an intimate exchange from which you are excluded

He's following her on social media?
Meh... Giving her playful looks.
I get why u posted this. Trust your instincts and always have a back up plan.

Yes people ARE rude on MN, including you with your patronising description of how mature and adult you were upon meeting your partner's ex. OP didn't get a chance to behave similarly as her DH behaved like an utter pillock staring at his ex, not saying hello and certainly not introducing her in a relaxed normal way. So well done to you.

I shall take that on board I was not intentionally being patronising but I can see that I was. I pride myself on usually being kind and helpful.

We’ll get yourself back to the gym and build your confidence up.