AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

You're being extremely unreasonable. Its her time of need and you're being pure transactional.

Let your kids help whenever convenient for them.

I’d let them help without payment if they’re willing to do so; maybe ask her is she can feed them if that helps you. It does seem rather transactional for an evening bedtime routine.
I would understand payment if she was earning money herself rather than just desperate for family support.

Presumably because the older ones help out with the younger ones/chores as seems to be the case when people have a large number of children.

OP, do you live in a shoe?

Sounds like you just want your oldest kids to around to do your childcare...

Why do you need to stop sending them? Just let them know there's no cash and leave it up to them.

I hope this isn't real.

I really hope this isn’t the case but I can’t see what else it could mean. I hope there’s no parentification going on.

You are being breathtakingly unreasonable OP. Your daughters sound like a credit to you, with a good work ethics and morals. If they are happy to help out their sick Auntie in her time of need (and their cousins, including the one who is not yet born), of course you should support it.

Don't understand why your children want paying in this situation. Family helps each other. Yabu

So your children are young carers then? Are they getting adequate support for this?

This can’t be real - I refuse to believe it! If it is real - OP - you need to absolutely take a look at yourself in the mirror.

Where is your brother or SIL husband? Or MIL?

I think everyone is being cheeky in this situation, and putting it onto the kids. It’s up to them. If they’re happy to help for free, then don’t stop them. If they don’t want to, then they don’t do it.

I think it’s awful that you’d stop them going if they actually want to just because they aren’t being paid.

Pretty grim.

1. Refusing to help a family member
2. Using your own kids as hired help
3. having 9 fucking kids in the first place

I feel sorry for your older kids. Seems like of they don't help out SIL they are babysitting siblings instead. Don't have 9 kids ffs. There's no fuckin need. And clearly too much for you. Selfish.

May I ask those who are making disgusting comments about the OP's number of children - how is that helpful? These children are here - so I'm not sure what the point of bashing her about it will achieve.

I would be letting her help them if they are happy. However as harsh as this sounds if your house is chaotic in the evenings that isn't really there issue thats yours and your husbands. You shouldn't be having more kids whilst relying on your older children to help out. You have chosen to have multiple kids and your older children should have zero responsibility for caring for those children. If are struggling without there help then you need to have long hard think about the caring and household duties you place on them. I have 3 kids and there is 7.5 years between my oldest and youngest but my teenager has zero responsibility for caring for his younger siblings. Its not his job.

Jesus Christ. You sound delightful.

I've been no contact for 2 years.

Wow, what culture is this? Where you expect payment from family to look after family. Most people are going through financial struggles at the moment, if you’re older children are happy to help, stopping them is selfish verging on cruel.

however, you haven’t send anything about their financial situation, perhaps you’re of the belief that they can afford to give money but have decided to clamp down on that???

I wouldn’t have dictated the pay but instead maybe clarified what she meant before checking kids were happy to.
if kids want to do it let them but stop Organising it. Let them manage it

Personally I think it is obscene to take payment from family.
That's what families do they help each other out.
It is character building for your children and your SIL needs help.
I just don't get how anyone would think it is acceptable to take payment from family no matter what the circumstances.

So much wrong here.
I can't imagine charging family for help.
Also why is your SIL having a fifth child if she she needs someone else's children to help her manage?
How is your house more chaotic with a child less? Are they helping you to manage as well?

Sounds to me like you are parentifying children.

@SilentAndQuietLight

If they want to go help their aunt during this medically complex episode, that's to their credit. But between times they should not be looking after your children or your (considerable, due to the choices you've made) domestic responsibilities for you.

I agree the OP is batshit, but isn't it normal to expect older kids to help around the house? Not childcare particularly, but other domestic stuff/chores? Isn't that how they learn to look after their own homes?

(Genuine question, as a childless (but pg) person!)

I did both chores and childcare as a teen and don't regret it at all - although to be fair the childcare was for one sibling and I did it voluntarily, loved it, so the odd occasion I was actually asked/expected to I didn't mind.