AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

Then why did you say the money helped you out as well as giving them pocket money?

Why should it make a difference to you then if the girls still want to do it? Let them decide

I think OP meant it saved her having to pay for things the girls wanted.

Did you pay your sister when she was a teenager and helped you out?

😱😱😱😱😱😱 i did not understand but now i get it.

Ohhhhhh and erghhhhh

Poor girls!

I did think it was kinda weird a 10 yr old was helping her aunt put kids to bed but some kids "love babies".

I change my vote: the mother and aunt should both leave those poor fuckers alone so they can be children not free labour...

Your SIL helped you when you needed help with young dc. Your dds would like to help their aunt now that she is in need of a bit of support. How lucky you are that you have dc who are happy to put themselves out for their aunt and cousins.

I meant to say that my kids would have some pocket money which they could choose to use to treat themselves to something nice when it suits them as it's difficult for me to do so at the moment. I wouldn't dream of taking the money off them for my own use.

My MIL (who’s in her 70s, incidentally) had the sort of upbringing OP is giving her daughters. My MIL was the second oldest of 7. The boys never lifted a finger. The girls did everything. Dad worked and drank - nothing else. Mum did what she could.

MIL and her siblings went on to have children of their own. MIL never allowed her children to lift a finger, she so hated her upbringing that she waited on her children 24/7. She wanted them to enjoy their childhood.

As a consequence, two of her children didn’t know how to boil pasta aged 24 and 27. One of them has never washed a dish in his life. They all do well enough to pay other people to cook/clean for them.

MIL is now trying to do the same for my DC and I absolutely do not stand for it. She will try to stop them taking their dishes to the sink, would stop them helping to clear the table after a meal, will jump up to get them a drink or a snack if there’s so much as a suggestion from them that they’d quite like one.

It’s so fucking dysfunctional. Having children isn’t a human right. We in the west don’t live a societies where child labour is required or desirable. This fucked up messaging that girls and to a lesser extent boys are exposed to has repercussions down the generations. You can’t expect a communal or shared existence when you live in a society that values and prizes the individual as highly as Europe and North America does. It’s the worst of all worlds - and utterly, completely regressive for girls and women.

Op didn’t say she also gave them pocket money. She said they were earning pocket money. So it helped her out because the extra things children like such as treats she couldn’t afford, so the kids could buy themselves treats if wanted

Same

But your kids are happy to help aunty even if she doesn't pay...you are unreasonable to stop them going if they want to, after all they were the ones who benefitted from the money, but happy to do it without. I'd say its up to them

God…..it’s parent like you OP.

I meant to say that my kids would have some pocket money which they could choose to use to treat themselves to something nice when it suits them as it's difficult for me to do so at the moment. I wouldn't dream of taking the money off them for my own use.

“Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out”…

Reading this as they earned the money from babysitting, and gave it to you?

“Setting up a rota wasn’t the easiest thing to manage”.

But you manage to run a household with 9 children usually? How hard can a rota possibly be.

15 children between 2 households.

Same here.

That is exactly how I read it. You worded it correctly to start with. Shame some only half read and jump to conclusions. Almost every thread has at least one person who can't read when it couldn't be more clear and jumps to conclusions to which others see that post and get on the bashing bandwagon.

Slow down people - read, comprehend, then reply with something that makes sense because several of you look like fools.

Wow. I’m surprised you’re even considering not continuing to help your SIL. Isn’t this the whole point of family? People who step up when you need support?

You’re teaching your kids to be transactional. There is such a thing as taking joy from simply being able to help someone, it’s usually something that comes naturally to humans, especially when it’s their close friends and family.

That’s how I read it too.

You deliberately cut off the second half of the sentence you are quoting.

I mean, this whole thread is obviously bollocks but I've never seen such an overt example of wilfully misunderstanding the OP.

Not true. The second part said and they get pocket money, but my understanding of that was she kept the money and gave them a little spending money! From OPs updates she clarifies for the many people who also misunderstood, but it was far from clear!

If you have had 9 kids then you've obviously had more than your fair share of help. Much of which, you admit was provided (free) by your SIL.

I honestly can't get over the cheek of you asking for the payment to begin with. And then thinking you can ask your MIL to pay is just a whole nother level.

I think it would be awful to tell them to stop going, if they have said they'd be happy to help your SIL regardless. She's clearly struggling and needing the help due to a medical reason. Trying to manage without, presumably could put her pregnancy at risk? She's helped you in the past. You're family. I think YABVU to stop them going just because she's not paying them! If they are happy to go, I wouldn't stop them and I'd manage - rather than making the person who's at risk (and their baby) manage instead.

Your older children can babysit for other people or get a paper round and earn some pocket money. The younger ones can help SIL.

Yes, she posted (twice) to clarify yet you still pretended you didn't understand.