AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

This was me from age 12 but only one of two.
I did all the laundry, housework and cooked dinner every day after school. This is why I never made my DC do chores.

OP let the girls go if they want but forget the rota and money. If they all want to go that's fine. Their younger siblings and the housework are your responsibility not theirs.

It happened to my eldest aunt, back in the 1920s. She had 5 siblings. She told my mum that when my grandmother became pregnant again - with my mother, child number 5, her first thought was "Oh no...Not another one."

Omg 😧 this is bonkers. How are you not mortified. The fact you don’t see how this could come across as so stingy and mean is crazy

Yes, a few days seems to have become a
permanent arrangement.

Exactly, and it's being perpetuated by all the "be kind" comments on this thread!

Why doesn't the OP's husband go over to help the SIL?

Or just let the SIL cope with the children she chose to produce. No one is forced to have a huge family.

Pretty outrageous
You dont want them to help their family out unless they're paid and because it inconveniences you managing your overstuffed household.

She's pregnant and needs help, it could hurt her baby if she's died too much. Since your daughter's don't mind helping, there's no issue. Frankly, being taken on a trip or out to dinner is nice but not the same as a payment. I bet she helped you with childcare on the trip too.

Is this shit for real?

I actually cannot believe someone would be so mean!

I was going to say you never know when you’d need her help but you’ve already reaped the benefit of that.

What does this mean?

It likely means that the sister-in-law is less of a slavedriver than the girls' own mother, so pootling over there to help out auntie and their four cousins is a bit of light relief from the list of duties they have to attend to chez eux, poor little blighters.

At this age, girls should be studying/resting/doing hobbies/having fun, not parenting.

Paid or unpaid, the whole set up in your house and SIL house is unacceptable

Both of you should look after your own kids

She's family and has been medically told to rest. Yet you want to stop kids helping out because she cant pay you

You are totally being unreasonable

So not only did you let her help you for free and expect her to pay your kids for the same help… but you actually kept the money the kids earned? You should feel ashamed of yourself.

The money shouldn’t be a factor in this. Family should help family out, kids should not have big responsibilities. If your older children are happy to help their auntie, they should do so. But they should not have high expectations on them, regardless of payment or which house they’re in.

Are you from the travelling community

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by, I kept the money the kids earned.

Same.
The fact that you feel like you’ve repaid her previous kindness so you owe her nothing makes it sound like you keep a tally of good deeds. It’s all a bit transactional from your point of view isn’t it?
You don’t sound nice to be honest.

You say you paid to take her on holiday as repayment - did she assist with childcare while on holiday?

@WearyAuldWumman that's exactly what I thought the last two times. My mother asked me, the last time, why I didn't seem happy about the new baby!

Hmmm. You don't understand? Okay. I'll play.

Is it the case that your SIL paid for your children to help, but that you retained the payment?

You said the money helped you out, and also gave them some pocket money. Sounds like you took some of the money

You took her free labour when it suited you because you couldn’t manage your own situation.

Your own children give you so much free labour to the point you notice when one isn’t there to assist you in parenting your own children.

Your older children are raising your younger children.

You have now sent your children to do paid work for the person who previously worked for you for free.

You are profiting from your children’s labour, and profiting from someone you took unlimited free labour from.

You and your husband are struggling to financially provide for your children.

You can’t look after your own children without enlisting some of the children to care for the others.

Yes you very much are being unreasonable. And neglectful, and are a user and only see yourself in any of this.

Selling your 10 years old time by making her help a mother of four children who cannot medically look after her own children? Shame on you. And shame on her for letting your 10
year old do the work. Let your child be a child.

My sympathies. My eldest aunt was a wonderful woman, but she was hard done by.

In her case she was rewarded for being 'clever at school' by being told to take her leaving certificate when she was 12 - instead of the usual 14 in those days - so that she could go into service on a farm. She was saved by the outbreak of WW2 - she joined up and became a nurse.

Tjis makes for such a depressing read — so much to unpack. Multiple children, yet so little accountability from the adults who chose to bring them into the world. My heart aches for those children. They deserve so much more, and I wish better for all our women and girls. No mention of dads who should be helping around more.

I’m grateful that I have the choice, discernment and perspective to see things differently, and the strength to fight for a better future for my own child — not in terms of money or possessions, but in recognising her as a sentient being with emotions, wants, and needs.

I want my child to have a bright future. not one full of material goods, but one full of dreams, choices, and self-belief. If I can help her hold on to those dreams and pursue them, then I will die a happy mother.

It’s so sad to read stories from others who had to take on the burden of caring for numerous siblings from such a young age. Children should be allowed to be children.

Are you saying that I took the payment away from the kids when they got home? If so that is not correct. Each daughter has their money that they earned.

So you've answered the question: you haven't kept the money.