To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

[Corall]

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs.
I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling.
But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

I also think power dynamics are hard to nail down.

I notice a trend in relationships where women ostensibly hold the power and are the 'bosses' but it's far more often the men that hold the real power. The men go along with the illusion that the woman is in charge because it suits them as it usually means the woman is stuck with far more of the domestic and mental load.

I will always judge adults forming a sexual relationship with a child

and really could not give a fuck if I am considered judgemental

I remember girls in my year having older boyfriends who would pick them up from school in their souped up car (late 90s). I myself had a relationship with someone 10 years older than me and we were together a few years (I had left school). I regret him being my first serious boyfriend, there were power dynamics within the relationship even though I convinced myself we were equal

I'm grateful that this kind of thing is now mainly seen as icky by my older children and their peers. There are still older boys going out with younger girls but they get tagged as paedos and are not looked upon favourably.

vile

@MightyGoldBear 08/11/2025 09:43

It's never women in their 20s wanting to date 16 year old boys Is it.

Wrong. Sometimes it is. As I said earlier, I know a woman who is 35, and is in a relationship with/living with a teenager. (Well, he moved in with her.) He's 19 and she's 35. They've been together a year and a few months, so since he was 17. This is no better than 16 and 22. In fact it's a bit worse.

I have known women in their 30s before too, who have gone for 16-18 year old lads. (And even a couple of women in their 40s.) Men are more likely to go for much younger women of course, but let's not pretend it never happens the other way around.

I know several women in their 30s right now (and a couple in their 40s) who are with a teenager - aged 16 to 19. They (the women) all have children - some as young as 3 - and have made these lads their baby-daddy. He also does her gardening for her/mowing the lawn, does errands around the house, chops logs for the log burner, walks the dog(s,) and looks after the children when she goes out. Most of these lads don't seem to have a job, (and most of the women don't.) A couple of these 'couples' smoke weed together in the garden several times a day.

Utterly terrifying that he looks after the child(ren,) considering that in most cases, an attack on a child is most likely to come from an unrelated male. But yeah, no way is it always men who go for much younger partners.

And as a pp said, no, the mothers of the 'lads' are NOT happy. For some reason though, they seem mesmerised, smitten, (and pretty much controlled) by these older women.

It's the people making comments like

Barely legal
Vile
Jailbait

who are making such fucked up remarks.

Describing people's now-deceased parents who had long and happy marriages in such terms? Have a word with yourself.

@BackinGodsOwn

Describing people's now-deceased parents who had long and happy marriages in such terms? Have a word with yourself.

Sorry, I agree people shouldn't be using words like "jailbait" and "vile", but it's perfectly reasonable to point out that things which were OK in one era are not in another.

Just because people have remained married a long time doesn't mean that they are automatically happy or that they wouldn't have got more out of their lives in other circumstances.

The reality is that for a young woman, getting married and having children very young with a man who is many years older than you limits your opportunities and horizons: it's certainly not what I'd want for my daughter. It's not offensive to point that out.

It doesn't matter what you want for your daughter, though.

It's her life.

We certainly could go back to the past where parents approved their child's marriage etc I suppose.

Hard disagree.

Wrong is wrong. You can acknowledge that something was socially acceptable and even normal in the past but also acknowledge that it was fundamentally wrong. We are more enlightened now about power dynamics, women's rights and coercion. We also know more about how the brain develops and that the prefrontal cortex is nowhere near fully developed at sixteen. Children of sixteen are very much still children, no matter how mature and worldly we feel at the time.

It's like some slave owners in America claimed that they had wonderful, long lasting friendships with their slaves. There is evidence to backup these claims but the fact is that the relationship was forged in an unacceptable and exploitative context and we can't just overlook this. It may feel like we are unfairly condemning our ancestors but we shouldn't shy away from reality, no matter how painful it is and no matter how much people are a product of their time.

Terms like barely legal and jailbait are never appropriate.

I do however think that literally any 29 year old man wanting to date literally any 16 year old is vile.

And those were the ages mentioned in the post about a poster’s parents.

They may have stayed together a long time but that doesn’t change the fact that a 29 year old man (or woman) pursuing a 16 year old is vile. Predatory, inappropriate and wrong.

Jail bait is unacceptable as this is victim shaming. Someone being barely legal is just fact. The pornification of the term is probably what is making you squeamish but in the context of this thread's topic it might be pertinent to question why this is such a popular genre of porn amongst men.

All these lovely, innocent 20 plus year old men just coincidentally falling for 16 year old children has nothing to do with the fact that lots of men have a proven sexual interest in young looking girls/women I suppose?

Totally agree with your points.

I agree it is grim even though legal. Of more concern reading the OPs comments is the controlling behaviour, which could happen at any age.

Thank you to the person who posted the research about age gap relationships.

You think me saying ‘just legal’ is more fucked up than a fully grown man having a sexual interest in a 16 year old. How utterly depressing.

I think that is a screwed up, quite American view of yours. Yes.

But who sayscall these women are having children very young? And why would they be having children any younger than if they were with a guy a year older rather than 6 years okder

Wait, just to clarify, you think my view is screwed up (I don’t really get the bit about American) becsue I said that 16 year old are ‘just legal’, in the context of a thread discussing grown men being attracted to them?

genuinely. You think i am the issue here?

Who cares if they have “long and happy marriages”?

So have the Macrons but people can still criticise how it started

I know you don't get why talking about teenaged girls in those terms is problematic.

Who cares how other people live their lives?

I think it depends on the individuals. I don't think it has to be a problem. If they are married now and have a good relationship then I definitely wouldn't be worrying about it now.

I had 21 year old boyfriend when I was 17 and I don't think there was anything wrong with that relationship. I would say I had most of the power if anything. He was a sweetie. When I was 18-21 I had a relationship with a man in his 40s. Now that was problematic and in retrospect I am so angry with him!

Yes, it's interesting. My two are 22 and 23 now and horrified about age gaps that I consider perfectly ok eg an 18 and 21 year old

Entirely reasonable response.

I am hesitant to condemn him entirely - 22 year old men are not exactly mature, and it is not impossible that the 16 year old (who was above the age of consent) was more mature / more dominant... and there seem to be lots of examples of this kind of age gap and young age working out.

Saying that... no no no... 19 male and 16 female is too much, and 18/16 isn't great, IMHO. I would definitely disapprove and feel a bit uncomfortable. Or worse. If there was any hard evidence that he is or was explitative or abusive then he is a truly sickening man.

@RubySquid

But who sayscall these women are having children very young? And why would they be having children any younger than if they were with a guy a year older rather than 6 years okder

Whether or not they're not having children young they're being groomed very young to be the sexual partner/domestic helpmeet of a much older man. It's grim, regardless of whether they have children or not. It's worse if they have children because they are stuck with the bloke, but if they escape that it's still not a life I'd wish on anyone.

I don't really understand why people are offended on behalf of these people that we're casting aspersions on their "long and happy marriages" (we don't actually know if they're happy, just that they're long). But apparently untroubled by the fact that adult men are grooming children for sex. It just seems a very odd kind of morality.

You need to think harder then. I’m not talking about the girls, I’m talking about the predators, the men. The ‘just legal’ term was merely factual, because as I said upthread, we all know why these men target 16 year old - it’s precisely because they are just legal. As young as they can get away with. It’s fucking gross and you picking me up for pointing it out as if I’m the problem is really worrying.