To not want to do everything with my kids?

[PudgyWalrus]

I am feeling very much stuck in a rut lately. I have two children, 8 and 2. My 8 year old has special needs and is very demanding. My 2 year old doesn't sleep. I'm permanently exhausted and irritable. I feel like I've lost all sense of self as I have no time for myself. I have gained an awful amount of weight due to stress eating and not being able to leave the house a lot due to awkward school transport times and needing to be available for my 8 year old. Also it takes a long time to settle 2 year old for naps as they won't sleep alone.

I was saying to my mum that I wish I could go back to work and have something to focus on and that I am looking forward to my 2 year old starting nursery for 3 mornings a week so that I can have some time to go on walks and exercise and try to sort my weight and health out. She asked why I don't do this with my 2 year old already and I said because I am unfit and struggle with exercise so I don't like having to do it with a child climbing on me or on walks having to walk really slowly as they dont want to be in the pushchair or having to talk and entertain the whole way around. I am permanently tired, some times I just want to do these things alone without having to be in mum mode.

Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as its awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children. She then made a comment about it being awful that I'm dumping my 2 year old in a nursery soon and that I'm a bad mum.

Do other people really do everything with their children with them? I grew up an only child with no extended family so I am used to spending most of my time alone so since having children it has been a big change for me to never get time alone and I have struggled with it but I thought most mum's put their children in a nursery to get a little time alone?

That's perfectly understandable. You are still a person in your own right. Not just a mum

Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as it’s awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children. She then made a comment about it being awful that I'm dumping my 2 year old in a nursery soon and that I'm a bad mum.

From my point of view there is a bad mum in this story and it’s not you.

If you were my daughter I’d have asked how I could help give you some time to yourself, taking the kids regularly or coming to visit to give you some time off.

Your kids need you to be happy and healthy.

3 mornings a week at nursery will be good for you and your child.

Ignore your Mum.

Tell your mum I said she is being very fucking unreasonable and I am harshly judging her!

It sounds to me like you were asking for her help a little there and she just shut you down and doubled down by calling you a bad mum!?!

Yanbu op, you just need a break. Anyone else who can support you with childcare to allow you a few hours to yourself? xx

While I understand totally where you are coming from, I think that taking your toddler out for a walk could help you both. If nothing else, some fresh air would help him sleep in the afternoon and it would give you some exercise.

I don't really understand your post. What's wrong with sticking the 2 year old in a pushchair and going for a walk? I would say that should be a daily activity.

Thanks for the support. I do feel like a bad mum for being so worn out all the time and not doing as much with my 2 year old as I would like. I feel like I've burnt out from the stress and demands of caring for my 8 year old. Its been and continues to be a very hard situation.

Unfortunately due to the nature of my 8 year old's needs there isn't anyone who can look after them let alone both my 8 year old and 2 year old together. 8 year old has only just started school due to being kicked out of mainstream and left with nowhere to go so I had to manage a baby and home educating, it was very difficult and my mental health has definitely suffered from it.

I want to try to get back on track and sort myself out but I feel like I can't take care of myself if I have to have my children with me all of the time so the only light at the end of the tunnel for me is my 2 year old going to nursery for a bit as it'll be the only time I get but now I am struggling with feeling guilty about sending them.

I would be extremely surprised if your mum never ever felt that she have would liked a break from looking after you sometimes when you were a child.

It is quite reasonable to want to have some time.for yourself and you are not being a bad mum for wanting this.

This is entirely a me issue but I feel so mentally exhausted by the time I've gotten my 8 year old off to school and also physically tired from the sleepless nights that I just can't face dragging myself out for a long walk with my toddler with me. It's the sort of thing I want to do alone, without having to talk and entertain etc. We do go on little walks to the park and into town but these are slow paced as toddler wants to walk not be in the pushchair so doesnt really help me in terms of getting fitter.

Your mother is awful, completely disregard her opinions on anything.

Does your kids father parent equally? He should be doing his half of raising his kids.

@PudgyWalrus Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as its awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children.

This is nonsense and you shouldn't listen to her or feel guilty about anything. Yes, we all love our kids but it doesn't mean that we must be glued to them 24/7 and that we mustn't have a spare minute to ourselves once we become parents. In fact, this is a recipe for disaster. Unhappy parents may well be willing to sacrifice everything but they will still not make perfect parents.

Your mother may also be disingenuous in her comments because she may not want to tell you that there were times she also felt like that for obvious reasons.

It sounds like you need to find ways to get some time away from kids. It's healthy and good for both you and the kids.

I fully sympathise as I remember when my son was a toddler, I was also often feeling that I was going to go mad if I had to watch another round of Teletubbies or Tweenies. I was seriously concerned about degradation of my own intellect and wellbeing. Everyone needs a break sometimes. And, yes, even from own children's company!

On one of the days you usually take your Dc to the park could you not ask your mum to take her and you could have an hour or two to yourself?
You're not a bad mum at all, you just need a break and a bit of support.

I think perhaps you would do well to make some mum friends. I see posts on local FB pages where a mum will write a not dissimilar heartfelt crie de coeur and she will get lots of positive responses. You could post anon and DM responders (or ask a group admin to help).

I think if you force yourself to do one walk after a drop off, you might enjoy it with like minded women. Then a second one....

Things will get better, taking that first step (no pun intended) might be the hardest part. You got this.

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a bit of time to yourself OP, especially having a child with additional needs - from one special needs mum to another I can tell you that having that time is essential and can save your sanity! Your mum obviously has no understanding of the stress and exhaustion you are managing. I would definitely put your little one in nursery ASAP and enjoy the time you have to yourself - as well as walking, take time to just sit in a cafe with coffee and a book or people watch! Are you a registered carer? When my son was small, his social worker did a carer's assessment for me and signed me up for 6 free sessions of reflexology - honestly it was so relaxing and really helped get me through a tough time! Have a look at local carer's groups for your area - they sometimes do lunch meet ups, group activities or free sessions of massage/yoga/mindfulness.

I was an only child and I have an only child :-) We do absolutely everything together and she never went to a nursery (I don’t personally believe in them). I’m Team your Mum in this one but we’re all different.

My other half helps as much as he can but he works long hours and also sees his children from a previous relationship on the weekends and its not possible to have all of the children together due to my 8 year olds special needs. I am a registered carer but I don't know anything about accessing support or anything like that.

I 100% know i need to push myself and take the first step into getting back out there and living life as best I can. I don't leave the house much at all besides the trips to the park with my 2 year old and I've lost all friendships I had due to not being able to socialise and haven't been able to work as have had to become my 8 year olds carer. Its very isolating and its impacted my mental health so I am now quite nervous about trying to make new friends. I feel like I dont have anything to talk about or anything else going for me besides my kids and its been so long since I've done anything that I've lost all skill in social interaction.

I'm hoping once my 2 year old starts nursery in January that I can work on myself and improve my mental and physical health.

I think I need to take a break from my mum as well as she has form for making comments like that and getting into my head.

Great for you. Op is different.

I did a lot more with my child when I only had my first born but for me I find it a lot more challenging with 2 children especially with an age gap and special needs and trying to meet both of their needs.

Your mum is being unkind. It's not wrong to need or want a break.
I know I do!! I'm a much better mum when I've had a chance to relax, even just half hour.
The walk you could get your 2 yr old a scooter or trike, that'd help. It's be fun for them and would gey you started with getting fitter. Any exercise is better nothing, and does help when exhausted.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do things alone. You should also be doing things with your 2 year old though like walks and playgroups. You might find you enjoy time with him more if you get into the routine of taking him out every day and he would probably sleep better. Involve him in things at home too, exercise doesn't need to be typical adult classes, it could be dancing, action songs, jumping and crawling etc with the DC.

So you have one easy child then? Not a disabled 8 year old and a toddler? I wonder which ‘team’ you’d be on if you did

It must be very hard for you with having an 8 year old with special needs and a 2 year old.
When you do go for a walk, could you ask your 8 year old to find 10 different leaves, and at home try to identify them all. Your 2 year old could help with sticking them on paper. Just a suggestion.

Regarding friends, could you join a local Facebook group and see if anyone is up for a coffee and a chat? There are also lots of groups for home education. Could you find one in your local area and possibly do meet ups?

Your original post seems as if you might be depressed, and if so, please see your GP about it as he/she can give you some help with that.

Can you contact your local Social services department and ask about respite for your 8yr old? It doesn’t have to be entire weekends, it could just be a couple of hours here and there.

Also there is a Carers Association & they can help; again SS should know who the local contact is. I know in our area they arrange get togethers with help for the person being cared for.

There are also some good home education groups, including ones where the child has additional needs; they could help with getting you a break.

Lastly, tell your mum to go bleep herself. I had a DH who was present and a healthy DD but I still needed a break to just be me so you are in no way a bad mother.

Hugs and 🌹🌹

Your mum has over stepped the mark here. The nursery part is none of her business. What does your mother actually do to support you? Does she ever offer to have your youngest child?

If you are doing school runs for your eldest then it makes sense to go out with your youngest in the pram some days.

This sounds very lonely. There is nothing wrong with needing time to yourself. 2 year olds can be incredibly draining.

I wonder if your mum is more worried you might not make the most of the time, to actually improve your mental and physical health?
So many women put off 'getting fit, losing weight' until child-free time. But the reality is you need to build exercise and healthy eating into your routine, every day, child free or not. Don't put it off until the funded nursery hours start.

Are there any toddler groups or classes to fill the empty days, particularly ones you can walk to?
I wouldn't be letting toddler dictate if he goes in buggy or not. Age 2, I had mine in buggy for safety around roads and crowded places, even if they had a tantrum.

If you struggle with making friends, is it not easier to practice at groups with child, where everyone is exhausted and you all have childcare as something in common to talk about?

Fair enough to want to exercise when off duty, but following an eating plan could start now, rather than waiting for free time to think about it?

I'd think of the nursery hours as about self care, as you may want to sleep/rest/read/catch up with old friends rather than go for long walks or start a new diet.

I have an only too. What's your point? This is unkind. OP has 2 children and is obviously struggling at the moment.