To not want to do everything with my kids?

[PudgyWalrus]

I am feeling very much stuck in a rut lately. I have two children, 8 and 2. My 8 year old has special needs and is very demanding. My 2 year old doesn't sleep. I'm permanently exhausted and irritable. I feel like I've lost all sense of self as I have no time for myself. I have gained an awful amount of weight due to stress eating and not being able to leave the house a lot due to awkward school transport times and needing to be available for my 8 year old. Also it takes a long time to settle 2 year old for naps as they won't sleep alone.

I was saying to my mum that I wish I could go back to work and have something to focus on and that I am looking forward to my 2 year old starting nursery for 3 mornings a week so that I can have some time to go on walks and exercise and try to sort my weight and health out. She asked why I don't do this with my 2 year old already and I said because I am unfit and struggle with exercise so I don't like having to do it with a child climbing on me or on walks having to walk really slowly as they dont want to be in the pushchair or having to talk and entertain the whole way around. I am permanently tired, some times I just want to do these things alone without having to be in mum mode.

Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as its awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children. She then made a comment about it being awful that I'm dumping my 2 year old in a nursery soon and that I'm a bad mum.

Do other people really do everything with their children with them? I grew up an only child with no extended family so I am used to spending most of my time alone so since having children it has been a big change for me to never get time alone and I have struggled with it but I thought most mum's put their children in a nursery to get a little time alone?

Thank you for the helpful suggestions about the walk, I hadn't thought of getting a scooter for my 2 year old but it sounds like a good idea. You're definitely right that any movement is better than none so I need to keep that in mind and try to do more things like dancing etc with my toddler.
I think because I've gained so much weight in such a short time from being in the house all the time and have lost a lot of my fitness that its a struggle for me which is what puts me off doing proper exercise with my toddler around as I'm already tired and irritable at the best of times without adding being out of breath and sweaty and having a toddler running and jumping all over me. So i think I'll leave the workouts and long walks for when they are in nursery and focus on being more active in general with my toddler.

To the PP who suggested contacting my GP re depression, I actually did make an appointment this morning as I do feel very depressed.

Understandable to look forward to doing it without kids in tow, but you do have a child with you so I wouldn't let that stop you starting now. Just go for a fast thirty mins walk to the park, they run around, then fast walk back.

Humans are meant to live in close-knit tribes, villages, extended families. It's completely unnatural for a single person (or couple) to be stuck with their own kids 24/7, raising them in isolation.

It's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. The structure of modern society is messed up, sadly.

Your mum is being unreasonable and insensitive.

When my one and only DD was 2 years old I put her in nursery two days a week so I could have some time to myself. I actually took up flying lessons, got a licence and have made lots of friends. I'm a lot happier for it.

I can't just be a mum, I need my own life and space too. So do you. Nobody should ever make you feel guilty for that.

For some reason there's this expectation on MN that you're supposed to enjoy every bit of parenting and you're a bad mum if you don't. I love my little girl, but I don't always enjoy being a parent. Alot of the time I'd rather be doing adult stuff. Everyone I know feels similar. How many adults do you see at soft play sat drinking coffee and looking at their phone, after all.

I have a, well probably 2 SEN kids. The oldest is going through EBSNA and I’m going insane! She is in my bed every night so I have to go bed with her at 8.

If you’re not regulated yourself you can’t regulate your children.

Does your 2 year old need a nap? If they’re resisting it maybe time to drop it.

@GuestBehind does the child’s other partner never to get spend time 1:1 with their child? Having 2 children and one with signifigant SEN is a whole different ball game to having 1 child.

Actual fitness is really hard with small children. The constant stopping and starting on walks, rhe speed you can walk etc.
ignore and enjoy the time.

You don't believe in people needing to work to pay rent/mortgage, bills, food etc, how does that work?

Definitely not being unreasonable OP! And definitely don't feel guilty about sending your 2 year old to nursery! It'll be good for both of you.

And time to yourself is very important! So enjoy it when you get it when nursery starts!

Sounds like my mum.

How dare you spend any time away from your child. How dare you hire a babysitter to spend an evening as husband and wife. Of course i won't babysit for social reasons, we didn't go out for 11 years after you were born so why should you.

Yes you could go out with your 2 year old for fresh air. Yes of course there is nothing wrong with wanting alone time too.

I was thinking maybe they didn’t believe in the actual existence of nurseries. Thought that we were just dropping our kids off in the void without a backward glance and hoping they’d still be there when we got back at the end of the day.

You mention dancing with your toddler, you could make it a regular activity for you both in the house. Get one of those lights that plugs in and has different colours and moves around. Put that on to create a little home disco, pick some songs together and do 20 - 30 mins a few times a week. Bit of exercise for you and hopefully the music and lights will entertain toddler and help wear them out a bit for a nap.

Your mum is being horrible. One could argue that she shouldn't have had kids if she doesn't want to support you and instead is putting you down and making you feel guilty. She's not being a very good mum. I have 2 fairly easy kids (now they are both a bit older) and I need a break from them now and again! Kids are relentless and we all deserve a rest, fun, peace and quiet occasionally. Don't feel guilty at all.

"Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as its awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children. She then made a comment about it being awful that I'm dumping my 2 year old in a nursery soon and that I'm a bad mum."

Your mum is a bad mum.

My two year old often refuses to go in the pushchair and wants to walk, which means it’s slowly with regular stops to examine things.

It isn’t a nice activity particularly. And I do get out and about a lot with my toddler but unless she’s in a compliant mood (and even if she is that can change) pushchair walks aren’t it.

@PudgyWalrus of course you're not a bad mum for wanting time away from the kids. January isn't long away so I would suggest starting to make a plan for the child free time you'll have available so youre not procrastinating or prioritising something else when the time comes.

And @FletchFan that an amazing achievement!!

OP I’m so sorry she said this to you. There is nothing wrong with needing some time alone. I am exactly the same and it took me a very long time to realise that I was stressed and burnt out. I’m still learning to take breaks and carve out alone time but I’m a much better mum when I do. You DC will be fine in nursery, take the time you need to rest and recover and hopefully you’ll find yourself again soon

Thank you everyone. You've all made me feel a bit better about how I'm feeling. Thanks for the suggestions as well. I know it probably seems like obvious stuff but I've been so tired and stuck in a brain fog that I've not been able to think stuff up myself so thanks.

YANBU

My mother used to say stuff like yours and would say things along the lines of how could I be tired as a SAHM. I have three children, one is severely autistic and highly likely will never be independent, second is on the list to be assessed and I think it will be ADHD or AuDHD, and a 2 yo who treats gravity as a personal challenge. No family nearby and luckily we have a mainstream school with an excellent SEN team.

My aunt, her SIL set her straight pointing out that she had two easy NT children, had her parents and others she could drop us off with (including said aunt), did pay for daycare and had a family friend looking after me when we were much smaller but even then her father was the one putting me on the bus, had my father at home, left me responsible for my sister at about 12, and wouldn’t have been able to work or save as much as she did without all the support she had.

She didn’t say anything else after that and definitely hasn’t said a word about me pushing to return to work in January.

I was a happier person when I was working. I found it way easier overall for me working than being a sahp/carer.

I related to every single word OP, am over that stage now but I had a additonal needs older child then twins and a complicated school run so I had zero movement as all naps for babies were while parked outside a school or while doing an hour long commute twice a day. I gained so much weight at that time and was so exhausted.

I think your mum is well out of order. Almost everyone i know complains about aspects of being a mother it has nothing to do with loving them. If your baby slept 15 hours a night and went down in 5 minutes and 8 year old was easy going you would probably be slimmer happier more energetic and loving your life. In fact anyone i know who is always positive about kids has the easy child and family support and havent got a clue that they have fate to thank for that, not themselves. You are going through one of the most difficult times in your life and you are allowed offload that stress a little. I'm annoyed with your Mum on your behalf. Let's remember she only had one so what does she know about juggling it all.

So you have one child and yet compare yourself to OP who has two children, including one with special needs?

Riiiight.

This is the best illustration of the theory that single children are at risk of poor social skills.

I do enjoy doing most things with my child BUT I have one pretty low maintenance child and even then I still need the odd day off.
In your place I would absolutely be struggling too. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I’m also very pro nursery. Some kids have trouble setting in but the vast majority love it once they settle. Other kids to play with, loads of new toys and fun activities - it’s heaven for little kids. And everyone I’ve know who works/ worked in childcare seems to genuinely really care about the kids they work with

Are there any groups for parents of children with disabilities/sn in your area? It would probably help a lot to be able to chat and socialise with people in a similar position

Oh also if you’ve got a council sports centre locally it’s maybe worth seeing if they run any parent and toddler type classes? You can meet other parents and get a bit of movement in at the same time

We are indeed all different.

The OP’s person goals involve improving her physical fitness.

You might like to consider exercising some empathy.

Op, Ive a 6 month old and am pregnant and there are days I want to tear my hair out. I can't imagine how tired you must be with a toddler and a child with special needs. Do not be so hard on yourself, your mother was very unkind. If its any consolation, I can't wait until my dd heads off to nursery. I love her so much but I also love a hot cup of tea, a shower or a toliet break. That doesnt make me a bad mother. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and its very hard and isolating. I also think talking to your gp was good. You are running on empty. I love being a mother but you do lose yourself a bit and as I said above, I dont have the same challenges as you so please give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Xxxx