To not want to do everything with my kids?

[PudgyWalrus]

I am feeling very much stuck in a rut lately. I have two children, 8 and 2. My 8 year old has special needs and is very demanding. My 2 year old doesn't sleep. I'm permanently exhausted and irritable. I feel like I've lost all sense of self as I have no time for myself. I have gained an awful amount of weight due to stress eating and not being able to leave the house a lot due to awkward school transport times and needing to be available for my 8 year old. Also it takes a long time to settle 2 year old for naps as they won't sleep alone.

I was saying to my mum that I wish I could go back to work and have something to focus on and that I am looking forward to my 2 year old starting nursery for 3 mornings a week so that I can have some time to go on walks and exercise and try to sort my weight and health out. She asked why I don't do this with my 2 year old already and I said because I am unfit and struggle with exercise so I don't like having to do it with a child climbing on me or on walks having to walk really slowly as they dont want to be in the pushchair or having to talk and entertain the whole way around. I am permanently tired, some times I just want to do these things alone without having to be in mum mode.

Anyway my mum told me that I should never have had kids as its awful I think like this and that I should want to do all these things with my children. She then made a comment about it being awful that I'm dumping my 2 year old in a nursery soon and that I'm a bad mum.

Do other people really do everything with their children with them? I grew up an only child with no extended family so I am used to spending most of my time alone so since having children it has been a big change for me to never get time alone and I have struggled with it but I thought most mum's put their children in a nursery to get a little time alone?

Many mothers have to return to work, thus childcare has to be sought. The food and clothes dont magically appear on the table. Plus 1 child vs 2 including a child with special needs is not even slighly comparable to 1 child. Empathy would go a long way.

You really think a Mom who's a full time carer for their medically complex child with very little support from their father is a bad Mom for wanting some time alone?

Op the only bad Mom is yours. You absolutely need to find some time to yourself. It's great DH sees his older children but he can't just not parent yours because he has them.
Can his older ones not visit with your 8 yo because of the 8 yos behaviour? How will this work with the 2 to? He should be working to integrate his two families, not use it to excuse parenting two of them

I did everything with my kids until they each started mornings at preschool at age 2.5. I'd take them out every day (usually did about 20k steps as places were far apart) and kept fit by walking them to different classes and doing exercise videos at home while they played. Neither of them objected to being in the buggy (quite the opposite!).
I enjoyed the time but I also knew it was a fixed period until they started preschool (and then school), and then I'd have lots of free time as I knew I wouldn't need to return to work. I don't have child-free time at the weekends as we always spend them as a family of 4.
But everyone is different, I know plenty of mums who went back to work when dcs were under 1, although they didn’t need the money but didn't want to be with dcs all the time. I would never judge anyone for it

I think I need to take a break from my mum as well as she has form for making comments like that and getting into my head.
and please start with this^
its awful comment on her part.
I bet when you were 8 y.o. she was just sticking you somewhere with a coloring/ reading book and get on with her life happily. She can’t even imagine how different life is if you have child with special needs, add energetic toddler on top and you will be absolutely shattered.

I’m a sahm and my own dc started nursery at 2.
i needed my space and time for my own sanity. They went 5x week for half the day. It was a great balance and they thoroughly enjoyed it. My LO is now 3yo and we have extended their hours from Jan. why? Because she absolutely loves it and cries at pickup as she wants to stay longer and do fun stuff. Even the snacks there are more exciting to her even though it’s the same at home. She has made friends, going to parties and play dates which never would have happened if she was sitting at home!
do not feel bad at all. Being a good mum doesn’t need you need to give every second of your soul to your kids.

You are allowed to want a tiny bit of your life that’s not focused on your children and being a mum. Doesn’t make you any less of a good mum, in fact it IMO if you’re one of those people who really does need solo time (I am) it makes you better able to be ‘on’ as mum the rest of the time.

You're absolutely not a bad mum. Like others have said, you're burnt out and need a break. My kids are both at nursery and they love it! I think it's harder for me sometimes to be honest because I have to accept that, especially as they get older, they need people other than just me (when I want to be everything to them). Lots of kids go to nursery, it's a brilliant social environment for them. Be gentle with yourself x

She already explained why. Plus she’s allowed to want some time alone.

It's a complex situation. 8 year old cannot cope around other people which is part of the reason I am struggling so much as obviously I cant be one to one with my 8 year old when I have a toddler with us all the time too. 8 year old becomes completely dysregulated around other people and it gets very difficult to manage. My other half's older children have actually expressed that they don't enjoy coming round due to this. We do try to do things together occasionally to build on their relationships but it is a very difficult situation.

Yes. She actually left me at home on my own from age 7 so she could go to work. 😂 But in her eyes she was the perfect parent and loves to criticise me.

Whatever works for you and helps you raise your kids is fine and a nursery is a great way to get a breather for yourself and for the child to learn valuable social and practical skills. You're grand 😁

I'm sorry but parenting one child is hugely different to parenting two and even more so with SEN involved.

Absolutely you do need time on your own. There is no need for women to say that they love being mum and martyr themselves that they never need a break.

Do you have a gym nearby with a creche? I never did use ours as mine were happy in a buggy but the endorphins from exercise might help you get through the rest of the day. Your youngest gets some other company out of earshot and you get your desperate alone time.

Oh, I hate it when mothers or mother-in-law are unkind instead of supportive. There’s nothing wrong with looking forward to some time where you aren’t devoting yourself entirely to your children. In fact I would say it is abnormal NOT to want to do that.

If it makes you feel better on Saturday, my mother-in-law told me that even if nursery had been available she couldn’t possibly have put any of her 4 boys in it, because she wouldn’t trust anyone to do as good a job as she would.

For context my husband said the house was chaos and she just screamed all the time.

Absolutely ignore your mother.

Would you like a cookie and a star? absolutely no empathy at all there was there? Kids need to socialise with someone other than their mother. To learn how to be around people who don't think they are the centre of the universe. You're doing your kid a disservice.

OP you say your 2 yr old won't nap alone. Could you maybe get in a routine of a nap together and then going out for fresh air afterwards?

Why could you not socialise at all? Why can’t you go out for the odd evening when their dad is at home?

I do try to nap with them but I struggle to fall asleep during the day even though I'm exhausted. I think it's mental health related as I find myself feeling stressed and my mind races when I know I need to be falling asleep.

I'm going to try getting out more with my 2 year old though a wear them out a bit more to see if it improves night time sleeping.

I 100% agree with this PP. You are not the bad Mum in this story. So sorry you've been made to feel this way.

But oohhhh.... I love it when people who had kids 20/30 years ago like your Mum (often with a 'village' around them) like to comment on things like this. This is also why I push HARD to get them in bed for 7 - I need my downtime too!!!

Just to reassure you, I definitely NEED to do things alone. I've also recently got back in to running too and have taken along my 2yo occasionally if there was no other option, my pace was so slow on these runs, I'd probably rather have waited until the next day. It felt like my heart was hardly working enough to break a sweat. Not greatly morale boosting for a beginner.

Everyone needs alone time (despite what some people say) and when you find a nursery you love, you'll get back to being you again a little bit.

Good luck and don't give that horrible comment another thought! You're doing great!!!

Don't believe in them? 😂 What like Father Christmas?

What a ridiculous post. Well done for not having a disabled child by the way. Aren't you the perfect parent.

I don't have any friends. I couldn't maintain friendships when my 8 year old was younger due to their SEN needs they couldn't handle being around other people. Ended up drifting apart from my old friends as my life was so different to theirs. Then moved further away. Couldn't make other mum friends as couldn't attend play dates etc.

My three year old (probably autistic) loves standing on the scooter. Much prefers me pulling than him doing the work! He is very hard work so I am relieved when he is in preschool for a bit.

Do you have any decent parks at a good driving distance? I wonder if you drove to somewhere just before nap time and then let the two year be feral and charge about to if they'd be tired enough to sleep in the car home. Doesn't solve the exercise thing and time to yourself but allows you that time to just breathe whilst driving home.

I used to have a fab woodland Trust place that was a 30 minute drive away. It had several play areas plus walks and both of mine used to have epic sleeps afterwards.

Fair enough op if it's too much for your eldest, I just wondered if Dad was using it as an excuse because cots too much for him etc. it sounds like it's the right choice for your 8yo for Dad to see older kids elsewhere but he still needs to find time to be with younger two and give you a break. Clearly your awful mother isn't going to step up and help. You need a break,please don't feel bad about wanting one

Could you look for something like an evening book club or libraries sometimes do sessions where you can just go along for a coffee and a natter whilst 8 yo is at school? Also I would force yourself out with 2 yo to at least one play group. Kid goes to play. You sit and drink coffee. You might just make a friend.
And you don't need friends to go out anyway. Go for a coffee, go see a movie. Don't let you talk yourself out of having space