To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

[CloverRiver]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439568-to-not-pay-stepchilds-private-school-fees?page=1

previous thread

We have no idea.
It might be that her wealth has increased considerably since they were young, for example. It might be that she won the lottery 5 years ago.

At no point has she said that it would be a stretch for her,
Or cause a change in their lifestyle, hence why I'm assuming she is indeed rather wealthy!

In terms of how her 'kids' would feel about it, I'd expect them to realise that it's not ideal, but equally that it might be the best option in the circumstances, and not personal. If it made the difference between them getting no inheritance and getting some - yeah, be miffed, but if the percentage change would be tiny, I'd hope they'd be more generous.

These threads really have inspired a lot of filling in the blanks.

@dontmalbeconme @Notsolittlebutstillsoyoung My point is mainly that the family is larger than just the OP, her partner and his son. We don’t know how many adult children the OP has, but she mentions that they’re living with her (plural) so at least two.

I think her children will understand that he needs stability but this is tricky, IMO. We have no idea what their childhoods were like nor what their needs are.

MN advice is always to treat children equally whenever possible so the OP has to consider all the children, adults or not. It sounds like that’s what she’s doing, but her DP is only focusing on his own child- which is understandable, but the OP can’t do the same.

Yes, I think it’s totally fine for someone to say no that request. What I find deeply unattractive is the expectation that OP should assume financial responsibility for this child. Whether she can easily afford to or not is irrelevant to me.

I would be more than happy for someone with that level of entitlement to exit my life of their volition, not least because it saves me having to escort them.

I agree. But there's a big difference between them both sitting down, looking at the numbers and trying to work out a plan together which is fair and the OP going 'not my problem'. It may be that it's not viable or fair for the OP to pay, but her resistance seems to be more founded on the principle of it, than the effect it would have.

So? OP has already said ‘not my problem’. That’s established. She is and has been firm on that to her partner as well as the posters here.

If her partner doesn’t like it then he is free to leave.

There are ways around being unfair to her children: if if the fee payment is agreed to be a loan from OP to DP, so he repays her to the tune of £600 a month after DSS leaves school, or they agree that she owns a higher percentage of the house because of this subsidy.

You're just projecting your maudlin "be kind" outlook on this entire scenario.

You know nothing about the OP, how she reared her children, what she does with her income, how many charitable donations she makes, what her adult children might think, or anything else. It's pretty presumptuous of you to decree how she should spend her earnings.

Not necessarily. Far from "most." That's an epic, rose-colored generalization.

On MN alone there are posts every month indicating that "he doesn't pay for my children" or "the money for his children comes out of his spending pot" or whatnot.

What do you think should happen next, @No5ChalksRoad ? DP and DSS move out?

@SheilaFentiman I agree. It sounds as if her DP didn’t initially propose anything like that, he was panicked by the thought of losing the bursary and the effect on his son-he wasn’t thinking about the OP’s children at that point.

Now they’ve calmed down and can hopefully discuss this rationally, esp. after he’s had the meeting with the school.

I said earlier, the child should move to the state school, and the parent's £1200/month should be spent on supplemental support and activities for him to ease the transition.

Thanks for replying - apologies I missed your earlier post.

He can't do right by this kid - he can't afford it. He wants HER to do his job.

He is staying at the school at the expense of other mugs, like myself, i.e. full-fee paying parents, who subsidise bursary parents, no at the expense of Dad's relationship.

Again, I never said it was OP's responsibility to pay. It is her choice to make. I am not say it is the right choice or the wrong choice to not pay, but it is a choice, and with every choice, comes consequences. But it is also not the responsibility of the school to fund a child who lives in a household which is choosing not to pay.

The facts are, it is being assessed on household income. OP may not agree with it or like it, but these are the facts. And not liking a fact doesn't stop it being one. Their decision needs to be made on what the facts are, not what they wish they were.

My brother had a bursary, I can't think of anyone who would have been able to help pay. Both my parents came from poverty, most of their siblings never found their way out of it. My parents had to provide years of bank statements, payslips, mortgage statements, copies of utility bills etc. Which they were happy to do as nothing to hide.

Oh come on. As an actual single parent I have a much tougher financial situation than someone cohabiting. If I moved someone in I would obviously benefit from sharing bills, council tax, costs etc, making me more able to pay school fees as less likely to qualify for a bursary. It absolutely has to be done on household income - as benefits and university support is.

Why they didn’t ask you before is a good question but their mistake was before, not now!

For people asking about lodgers - yes, if you had a lodger they’d need to know about it as that would be a form of income / shared costs. Bursary investigations are very thorough and not just about your income, but your mortgage, savings, costs… they are analysing what you can actually afford to pay. OP’s partner can more afford to pay while living with OP than not.

If OP doesn’t want to pay private school fees for a step child that’s a fair enough decision but it means they may have to split up or the child lose his bursary. That’s just facts. Up to OP and partner how they feel about that and what they do. The school isn’t doing anything wrong here. Really weird threads with people thinking they are!

That said, from what you’ve said about the school’s response and capacity / popularity, it’s worth talking to them about it. They do try and keep kids once they’ve started with them. You’d be getting a bargain though.

Bursaries are often paid out of donated funds or endowments, not just out of the school's revenue from full-fee paying parents.

Not in my circle of friends and family.
MN opened my eyes to how divided blended families are. Around here, every child is our child - physically, financially and emotionally.

So, just had a conversation with DH and we both agree that not prioritising the child would be relationship ending for us.

However, this is easy for us to say because:

1. It's a theoretical situation, and theoretical money we're spending.
2. We're comfortable enough that the sums involved wouldn't be a life changing amount for us.
3. We're not step parents, so are probably thinking more as a bio parent than a step parent.

That's also my experience of blended families. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Ok…? It not being common in your circle does not mean that it isn’t common.

Whatever happens with the school, if you and your DP are still together when/if DSS goes to uni, your income will be taken into account when assessing how much parental support top up you are expected to pay - whether you like it or not.

DSC are not mine, physically, financially, or emotionally. They are DH and his ex’s.

Not a chance in hell I’d be paying DSC’s school fees if their own parents were not. And even less so if my own DC had not gone private, as in the case of OP.

I know plenty other blended families who are exactly the samE.

It’s always so easy for he hypothetical SP’s to proclaim they would treat them as their own. As easy as it is to give away hypothetical inheritances etc.

Whatever happens with the school, if you and your DP are still together when/if DSS goes to uni, your income will be taken into account when assessing how much parental support top up you are expected to pay - whether you like it or not.

Whilst household income is indeed assessed for university purposes, no adults are actually obliged to pay anything, so it’s not a fair comparison. Some parents choose to pay, but it’s voluntary