To think gentle parenting has made some kids unbearable to be around?

[KindButFirmFox]

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

Hmmm except I know my child. And you do not. So me and his dad will make the right decision for him. Nothing against college or other courses. I work in education and it’s absolutely the right thing for many young people. But I know my son and all he wants to do is dick about with his friends and not do any work. And we will not be letting that happen.

Has your DS started school yet? If so, what's his behaviour like in the classroom?

@SlothMama14 most teens wouldn’t have iPads - DD 16 was 1 by the first time the first one came out - we didn’t get one until 2016 as a family by which point mine were 7 and 4 - same with SMART phones didn’t get an iPhone until just before Covid.

So the tech wasn’t as used!

Gentle parenting does not work for the situations where the natural/connected consequences aren't actually in any way unpleasant enough to deter the behaviour from happening again. There is no natural consequence to lots of situations, often their obedience is needed because a grown up says so. It wastes a hell of a lot of time encouraging children to expect an explanation for every decision rather than teaching a degree of respectful obedience to authority figures such as teachers/scout leaders/parents.

Yes he has . He is 6 . He started school at 4 and was the youngest in his class as he is summer born. Teacher said he was doing really well at the parent teacher meetings and keeping up with his peers who are older with no issues. Shock horror watching an iPad in a restaurant once every few months for an hour at age 2 hasn’t had any drastic consequences so far.

My children are adults.They tell me this all the time !

that is true but surely at 16 he has a right to make the decision for himself rather than infantilising him

and going to a sixth form and going a levels there is just as much scope for that as there is at college

personally (and yes I have a child in year 12 at the moment) this is a time you do need to talk to your child about what the right options are

Also, its based around a high number of adults to kids, gently guiding, explaining etc, an ability to stop an activity & remove a child who's misbehaving etc. This isn't possible in a school environment with 30 kids to a teacher, so children parented in this way often don't transfer that behaviour well to a school environment

Plus... you can gentle parent a gentle child. Sure it works well with your docile sensitive calm kid. Less well with a stubborn or cocky kid.

Agree. My DD attends college because she struggles academically. She most certainly hasn't gone there to dick about though, she's working really hard both at college and doing work experience (which she arranged herself) to earn a vocational qualification that will still be a pathway to going to uni.

We aren’t much of a screen family (not in front of the kids anyway!), no screens at meals times, on days out, when we have visitors etc. Our three year old is yet to use a tablet, she does watch a small amount of TV, our ten year old does have a smart phone, but it only has a messaging app on it and two games, no internet access etc, so he doesn’t use it a great deal as once the novelty wore off it became boring quite quickly.

I begged and begged for a game boy as a kid, but I wasn’t allowed one until I was old enough to stick to restrictions set without it being physically removed.

@AlltheHedgehogsontheWall

I agree with a diagnosis if it helps. The problem is I don’t think overdiagnosis is helping. It’s causing a SEND crisis, taking resources from those who need it most, causing schools to off-roll children, exclusions and a belief that a child needs to be medicalised/stereotypes/bias - or that a child may start believing that they have an internal ‘fault’.

I think you're an anomaly compared to many families! Good for you for holding off. It's not easy, especially as they get older. Teaching children to sit through a meal and make conversation rather than be on devices is one of the best life lessons you can give them. It's a social skill.

@BustyLaRoux “go be annoying somewhere else” is exactly what i want to say to my friends kids!! But I know it won’t go down well. So I bite my tongue.
Same friend wonders why they don’t get invited round to others houses. I know the answer but darent say it.

This x100

It’s a stupid name. Whoever thought the name up made a mistake that should have been glaringly obvious to see.

Our oldest is ten, I’m sure he’ll be a screen zombie once puberty hits!

This.

I was in the card factory and a toddler was having a tantrum and the mum sat down beside her on the floor blocking the shop attempting to reason with her, wouldn't move until she'd gentle/permissive parented her, took about 15 minutes. Most people would just pick them up take them outside and deal with it there.

As a secondary school teacher I was quite a strict parent, I never shouted, just had a voice and face that meant business.

Unfortunately if we leave the decision to my child he will do what me and his dad did. And he will chose what’s fun rather than what is challenging but achievable and what will be a good pathway into a career. Sadly both of us had zero parental guidance and made shitty decisions. I mean, I felt really autonomous and independent at the time. And now I am a grown up with bills to pay and a plethora of poor choices behind me which have mapped out my life. Little did I know back then that the choices I made really would affect the rest of my life and just how much my earlier choices have held me back. I wish I’d had ANY guidance at all!!! Instead my parents were entirely focused on other things.

So we will infantilise him. Because his choices will be based on infantile decision making processes.

PS. As I said, I work mainly with Key Stage 4 children, so I am well aware he could do A Levels at college. My issue is that his friends that he dicks about with in school will also be going to college. And he wants to go there so he can have fun (ie. Behave like a prat and not do any work). This is precisely the reason he won’t be going there.

Modern parenting is problematic but it’s not genuine gentle parenting. Gentle parenting includes plenty of healthy boundaries and teaching around emotional regulation etc.

Many kids today are being raised by institutions instead of their parents (eg full time nursery, before/after school childcare) and when they are with parents are stuck in front of screens or eating junk food to keep them happy. Many parents are too busy to actually parents.

The actual gentle parents that I know are very involved. You are mistaking gentle parenting with permissive parent or parents not actually raising their children.

I wonder if that might be because you had a sister? It's can be quite different with a single child floating around on their own all the time.

If 'gentle parenting' is so easy to misinterpret/get wrong then that in itself is a real flaw with this parenting method.

And its interesting that so many seem to misinterpret it in exactly the same way, thinking they mustn't use the word no and can only 'distract' a child from continuing poor behaviour rather than firmly stopping them and imposing a clear boundary.

It perhaps shouldnt be recommended when its so easy to get disastrously wrong?

I know! I can only say this to my DC and my DP but god I wish we could just that to other people’s children as well (and also a fair few people I work with! 🤪).

Gentle parenting is great. The problem is permissive parenting. Too many people confuse the two (mostly people who say they are gentle parenting but are in reality permissive parenting!)

It’s really not easy to get wrong, unless someone who is reading about it genuinely cannot read.

Well I have 2 young kids and I gentle parent but I don’t think this is what you mean. I don’t hit them and yes I tell them when they are wrong, they are both very well behaved and this is told to me at parents evening by other people when we are out etc. however I think I know you type truly mean, I know a couple, the woman is a child psychologist, and she gentle parents her kids. But actually she lets them walk al over her 🤣 they won’t put her in the shower they will ask a 2 year if she wants a shower then spend an hour talking her round into having one whilst she refuses. I mean wtaf. They spent an hour outside nursery asking her to get into her car seat whilst she refused 🤣🤣 I mean this is absolute madness. A child psychologist as well. I think people like this give us gentle parents a bad rep.