To think gentle parenting has made some kids unbearable to be around?

[KindButFirmFox]

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

The law doesn't allow it in Scotland.

The poll says that 90% think she’s not unreasonable though, as of now.

It's not. It's abuse.

Where do you live?

I'm from Eastern Europe, we have quite strict parenting style and things like these - make my blood to boil. Who has a time for it??? Especially in public, if your child kicked mine at Asda, simply tell him off. Noooooo, 15mins explaining, asking for apologies, etc.

But that 10% are usually extremely vocal!

We all think we would be the perfect parent

And it’s all well and good saying you would smack them under certain circumstances but you didn’t have any and the practice is much easier than the theory. Plus love gets in the way, pesky strong, amazing emotion that love for your small children, nothing like it. Nothing, nothing prepares you for it.

It’s perfectly possible to be a firm, effective parent without resorting to physical violence.

There is also the flip side parents who swear at and hit their child so their kids are scared shadows.

Some people are better parents than others like all things in life, some kids are easier than others. What works with one of your children doesn’t work with others (naughty step I am looking at you).

I’ve never hit our children, and had them completely under control with voice, yes a couple of times we had to leave because the countdown ran out, no long lasting damage. Only had to do that a couple of times.

You build trust with them, if they trust you do things for their best interests they don’t need to understand why they just need to accept it, once they get that rest is straightforward.

You’ve never had them you have no idea what you are talking about. You have no idea what you would’ve done as a parent.

Ours are teenagers now, fun, kind, ambitious, one at college one doing GCSEs. They have mates they talk to and hang out with, but still tell us , talk to us for advice when they feel they need it, they don’t get into fights or exhibit any aggressive behaviour out the house, because they haven’t seen it from us . If you hit a small child who you are supposed to love more than anyone else, someone much smaller and weaker than you - what message does that send to a child? That violence is a way of getting things done? If your mum would hit you then surely it’s not so bad if you hit others? Yeah you know nothing about this. Hitting is never the answer.

This isn’t a particularly new thing.

I remember being on Brighton beach years ago when my kids were small and a little boy picked up a massive stone and was about to chuck it at one of mine. His dad ran over and caught his arm, raised with the stone … then spent about 20 minutes explaining to his son why he “should do the right thing” and put the stone down …. just take it off him you bell end.

I never had an iPad but used to have a wooden box with pick up sticks in it. This amused them while waiting for their meal. My boys weren't into coloring either.

If it all came so naturally tell us what you did?

I think it was called positive parenting in the 80s. Probably tweeked a bit.

It depends on how the parent is interpreting gentle parenting.

I am a therapeutic parent and many would say im a gentle parent.

Boundaries are definitely in place, but so is understanding. My children have SEN and "telling them off" in a usual way doesnt work for them. But I still tell them off. I explain things, I get them to work out for themselves where their behaviour went wrong. Im a big believer of natural consequences and it works well.

A lot of people who say they do gentle parenting misinterpret it. Their kid could whack a child over the head and theyll say "oh timmy that wasnt a good choice" 🤣

Gentle/therapeutic parenting takes a lot of knowledge, and a lot of effort when its actually done right

The problem with parenting labels - any labels really - is you can’t get trapped thinking you have to be that and follow that all the time.

We did some gentle parenting from time to time, did some authoritative parenting, sometimes spent what felt like hours in a crazy therapy session with us being the unqualified therapist, sometimes being the baddie, sometimes the goodie.

I like to think we had the emotional intelligence to respond according to what the parenting necessity was at that moment.

We told ours they were the centre of our universe, they were, still are, but out in the big world they are just a bang average human like everyone else (until they get awarded a Noble of course :-) )

You need to learn adaptability, going to a suited and booted wedding is a very different expected behaviour than going bowling say. We have never had any concerns taking ours anywhere.

Well firstly you don't have a clue what you'd do and I'm unsurprised you don't have kids. And pre planning hitting children makes you some kind of nutcase in my book. I hope you aren't planning children and just theoretically plan to hit them. I also wonder, are you a man?

Also physically 'chastising' kids generally comes with the worst behavioural outcomes.

Were you hit as a kid? I bet you think it did you no harm? Yet here you are horrified that kids AREN'T being beaten, with nothing but your own gut feeling and memory of being badly parented to go on. When studies show hitting kids is harmful and your attitude is literally evidence of harm.

She's also right.

Because a lot of parents... Don't! A lot of parent ACTUALLY lazy parent and shout across parks with threats of kids don't do as they're told, they refuse to listen to them and do the 'youre embarrassing me on public and this will have to stop' angry chat, or they ineffectively permissive parent and give their kids everything their heart desires to avoid any kind of negative emotions. There is a LOT of bad parenting out there and it's not those actually deliberately following gentle parenting who are doing it.

And the only reason I have any kind of label for it is twofold, my eldest had a lot of health issues (seizures amongst other things) and wed a lot neurology input when he struggled on medication with behavioural changes. What we do is what was advised by our neurologist and neuropsychology team at the time and the difference (positive difference) in him in every way when we researched and followed those methods with their support was night and day. I can hand on heart say if we'd not done trauma informed work, if we'd not had support my son would be an unreachable ball of rage after all that happened to him and his ADHD/ASD traits.

My youngest. She's one of those kids who could almost raise herself. Model good behaviour once and she's on it! Stickers for helping from nursery everyday, very very uncomplicated. If we'd only had her I'd never have had to know any of it but she's benefited too from me being able to calmly handle her different development phases more effectively because of what I've learnt.

You can’t say “no stop that” that’s crazy! All these long conversations about feelings sound like a worse punishment 😆

Don’t people want to quickly resolve things and move on!!!! I can remember being annoyed with my mum if she told me off but it was all forgotten the next day. Surely that’s normal? People have bad days including parents and kids need to learn that. No one has perfect interactions at all times.

No one has time for it, hence I stopped inviting this friend round 😆

A therapeutic parent? Eh?

Yes, its a parenting approach. Have you not heard of it before?

No need to be patronising, if I'd heard of it why would I be asking?
I'm amused at the need to give parenting all these silly names though. If a child replies different/extra care and support, for whatever reason, just do that.

Sorry if that came across as patronising, it wasnt meant in that way.

I dont make an announcement of my parenting style on a regular basis but thought I'd add it to this thread

'Have you not heard of it before?' is a patronising response when someone suggests they're unaware of something.

I wasnt sure if you had heard of it. As you said "Theraputic parenting? Eh?" so I was trying to find out if you hadnt heard of it or had heard of it and thought it was a load of tosh. Thats all.