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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to pack it all in, leave my job, husband and have an affair?

89 replies

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:16

My husband is not a bad man, but since I turned 40 I have lost my mother and through his work I was forced to emigrate within a couple of months of her death, leaving my Dad behind who I am extremely close to. Our children go to international school, we live in a rich compound in an affluent area of one of the richest countries in the world. My husband and I both earn a quarter of a million each tax free. But I feel totally miserable. I hate my job, the hours are punishing and relentless. the demands of the locals are totally unreasonable. I feel that my job which I was always proud of in the UK is not being practised ethically here. I have been bullied and marginalised at work as the only white Western woman in this part of the world and I want to leave but my husband wants to stay.

Whilst all of this has been going on, one of my junior colleagues has been incredibly kind and thoughtful towards me. There is attraction there. And maybe it’s a trauma bond through a difficult time but I have developed a total infatuation with him even though he’s over 10 years my junior.

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

OP posts:
moderate · 05/11/2025 12:22

Make the changes you clearly need to make. You moved for your husband. Time for him to move for you.

nomchonge1 · 05/11/2025 12:23

I would seek therapy for your trauma first before having an affair... I would also be cautious that adultery isnt punishable in whichever country you reside in.
I dont know how much you have spoken with your husband about it, but maybe speak to him again. You could present him with an ultimatum if youre that serious and miserable. I do not think having an affair will solve the issue.

PoliteSquid · 05/11/2025 12:29

I think the prospect of an affair is clouding your judgement at the moment. Separate from that - do you still want to leave your marriage and job? If so, then make the relevant plans.

Totally get what you mean about ethical practice - I’ve left 2 jobs in the past for the same reason. I think your description of a gilded cage is pretty telling.

Avoid the affair - trauma bonding is not a good basis for a healthy relationship!!

Sartre · 05/11/2025 12:33

I think you know the affair is a shoddy idea for a variety of reasons, the idea of it is just an escapism.

You’ve said it yourself, you’re miserable. You need to make changes to improve this. Your DH perhaps underestimates how sad you are so have an in depth conversation and if, in the end, he will not move at all you may need to do it without him.

Corgi2023 · 05/11/2025 12:35

It wouldn't be a good idea to have an affair in a middle Eastern country. Talk with your husband about coming home.

BerolDryWipe · 05/11/2025 12:36

Don't have the affair.

Pack the job in and move home.

Will your children be coming home with you if DH decides to stay out there?

YodasHairyButt · 05/11/2025 12:36

Your attraction to your colleague is a symptom of your unhappiness. Recognise that and put it away. You need a full and frank discussion with your husband, but ultimately you have to do what is best for your own mental health. If that means going home, do it. Nobody should live miserable to keep others happy.

Starlight7080 · 05/11/2025 12:36

How old are your children? Do you get to see them much?
I dont think adding a mistake on top of your existing probelms will make you feel any better. Probably just hit rock bottom quicker.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 05/11/2025 12:37

What about the children? What would they want stay or return?

Londondreamer · 05/11/2025 12:40

The idea of the affair is just giving your mind something to distract it from the other issues. Its not real, don't get sucked in to it.

You need to look at the real problem, you aren't happy doing what you're doing and where you are. Some times we have to prioritise our own happiness.

Mollydoggerson · 05/11/2025 12:41

Transference, grief trauma, get therapy, don't have the affair.

Consider a 3 to 5 year plan.

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:41

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 05/11/2025 12:37

What about the children? What would they want stay or return?

They want to come home to the UK. They miss their Grandad and cousins and life is affluent but restricted here. My husband is refusing and told me to leave with the kids if necessary but he won’t come back to London.

OP posts:
ThatIcySwan · 05/11/2025 12:41

There is a huge amount of Mumsnet who are bitter ex-wives/wives whose ex-/husband cheated on them. Not sure why you’ve chosen to come here to seek their approval to have an affair

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:42

moderate · 05/11/2025 12:22

Make the changes you clearly need to make. You moved for your husband. Time for him to move for you.

He won’t. So my kids get to grow up without their Dad being around. And he looks after them mostly when I’m away at work. No winners here

OP posts:
saltandvinegarchipsticks · 05/11/2025 12:43

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:41

They want to come home to the UK. They miss their Grandad and cousins and life is affluent but restricted here. My husband is refusing and told me to leave with the kids if necessary but he won’t come back to London.

Show quote history

you need legal advice, depending on the country you’re in, you mightn’t be able to bring the children back with you.

childofthe607080s · 05/11/2025 12:44

You can talk to your husband and explain you are going back to the UK and if he stays that’s fine - you wil have a good lifestyle on his salary I would guess and if he then seeks a divorce so be it

moderate · 05/11/2025 12:45

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:42

He won’t. So my kids get to grow up without their Dad being around. And he looks after them mostly when I’m away at work. No winners here

Show quote history

It's a difficult situation, but staying won't be good for your children either.

jaynelou5 · 05/11/2025 12:46

An affair for a woman in a Middle Eastern country can have dire consequences. Just leave, not a good place to be bringing children up anyway.

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:46

nomchonge1 · 05/11/2025 12:23

I would seek therapy for your trauma first before having an affair... I would also be cautious that adultery isnt punishable in whichever country you reside in.
I dont know how much you have spoken with your husband about it, but maybe speak to him again. You could present him with an ultimatum if youre that serious and miserable. I do not think having an affair will solve the issue.

The guy is too noble to proceed (that’s just his personality) but the attraction is there. I don’t want to pursue it but I am thinking of leaving my job and marriage and returning to the UK with my kids. When i told him I was thinking of leaving he was gutted. But the mumsnetters are right it would be a bad idea here in this country and he knows it too.

OP posts:
andthat · 05/11/2025 12:46

You’re grieving @middleeastmum86 in the midst of all of this and I wonder what impact leaving your dad behind is having on how you’re feeling?

Be kind to yourself and don’t ’go there’ with your colleague… that way lies upset for everyone, including you.

Instead focus on the issue of how unhappy you feel. Sit your husband down, make him really hear you. If he loves and cares for you, he will work with you on a solution that suits you both. Would you be happier living there if you did a different job for example? If not, can you agree a deadline with your husband for when you will move?

Id also seek some therapy for how you’re feeling about your mum, your dad.. and your husband. You might find that a lot of how you are feeling is bound up in those relationships and this will help you to process some of that and figure out what’s next.

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:49

BerolDryWipe · 05/11/2025 12:36

Don't have the affair.

Pack the job in and move home.

Will your children be coming home with you if DH decides to stay out there?

Yes they want to come back with me. He’s the only one who wants to stay

OP posts:
coolmum123 · 05/11/2025 12:50

So sorry you are in this position. Does your husband say why he doesn’t want to come back? Does he know the kids would be happier in the UK? Did he just outright say you can go but he isn’t or did he weigh everything up before saying that?
I think the answer to the last question would tell you where things are in terms of his priorities.
I don’t think having an affair is a good idea it will just add to your problems.

Original poster
middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:51

ThatIcySwan · 05/11/2025 12:41

There is a huge amount of Mumsnet who are bitter ex-wives/wives whose ex-/husband cheated on them. Not sure why you’ve chosen to come here to seek their approval to have an affair

Not exactly the entire thrust of my thread but I appreciate the take

OP posts:
TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 05/11/2025 12:51

middleeastmum86 · 05/11/2025 12:49

Yes they want to come back with me. He’s the only one who wants to stay

Show quote history

Are you already having this conversation with them? Do they know the other issues?

user9578 · 05/11/2025 12:52

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

Not going to be a popular response but I did exactly that, roughly 10 years ago. Blew up my entire life, and it was the best thing I ever did. I don't regret a thing.