To want to pack it all in, leave my job, husband and have an affair?

[middleeastmum86]

My husband is not a bad man, but since I turned 40 I have lost my mother and through his work I was forced to emigrate within a couple of months of her death, leaving my Dad behind who I am extremely close to. Our children go to international school, we live in a rich compound in an affluent area of one of the richest countries in the world. My husband and I both earn a quarter of a million each tax free. But I feel totally miserable. I hate my job, the hours are punishing and relentless. the demands of the locals are totally unreasonable. I feel that my job which I was always proud of in the UK is not being practised ethically here. I have been bullied and marginalised at work as the only white Western woman in this part of the world and I want to leave but my husband wants to stay.

Whilst all of this has been going on, one of my junior colleagues has been incredibly kind and thoughtful towards me. There is attraction there. And maybe it’s a trauma bond through a difficult time but I have developed a total infatuation with him even though he’s over 10 years my junior.

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

Get a job back home and leave with the kids, your husband said you could so just do it. Tell him he's welcome to join you when he's ready (if you still want him to by then). There doesn't seem to be anything keeping you there, presumably you have money saved from that big income and prospects of a good job back home. Skip the affair, wait to see if you meet someone you like when you are free and not in a dangerous country.

You can always visit back and fore if it's all amicable, but you can't live there and he can't live in the UK.

Don't have an affair, long term that solves nothing. If you don't like where you live make it clear to your DH that you are unhappy and intend to move home and either:
a) don't want him to come or
b) would love for him to come but will still go even if he doesn't

Then do it. Then give it time. Then consider dating if you want to.

Do you have kids?
Sorry, missed.
Otherwise, do what feels best for you in this life, at this moment.
Speaking for myself.

This in abundance

This.

i miss my Dad. He misses my Mum and is in our house on his own. My mum deteriorated rapidly from cancer and we were all shocked. We cared for her at home where she died and those last few months were traumatic.

i didn’t appreciate being uprooted immediately after. My husband is a very ambitious man and saw an opportunity and is the sort of person who can be singleminded about a lot of things.

My father is kind and gentle and we talk every day. He’s not materialistic nor money obsessed unlike my husband. Funnily enough what draws me to my colleague is that he is like my Dad in personality. Maybe that’s at the heart of this you’re right.

Well your colleague is also out there earning the big bucks, so he’s clearly somewhat keen on money.

are you able to move back? Your DH won’t prevent you? If so then on his massive salary you’re going to be able to afford a good quality of life on the child support until you get the children settled and find another job

They haven’t been happy here from the start. They know they don’t see me because my work hours are obscene (they were manageable in the Uk) amd they want their old life back. They’re too little for me to discuss marital issues with them but they feel the tension at home. Obviously no one knows about my work crush - I can’t talk to anyone about that.

Colleague is on a lot less than me. He really isn’t money obsessed it’s one of the reasons we get on. The guys at my level at work are all materialistic narcissists but he isn’t.

i can support my kids myself I don’t need my husband’s child support but no doubt he would pay it anyway he’s not a bad person and not would he stop me from being with the kids or taking them with me.

Three of you want UK; one wants to stay.

So you should go.

My ID is screaming this but my Super Ego is stopping me. If it was just me I would have gone by now but it will impact my kids and they’ll grow up without a father.

I’d go home, the three of you are miserable, it’s no way to live.

The affair is just a no, and you know that. It’s escapism, a thrill in an otherwise miserable life, but nothing good after the initial thrill can come of it. In fact, depending which country you are in then potentially terrible things could actually come from it, including losing your children to your husband. Not worth it. And as much as you think you know him you absolutely don’t. It’s a trauma bond. He also apparently wants to be living out there as well, so what would an affair with him achieve?

BUT the rest isn’t unreasonable. Life is too short and given that you’ve lost your mum suddenly and your dad being on his own now, I’m sure you see this more clearly than anyone.

If your husband won’t leave then you need to make your plans to leave with the children. I’d advise doing this quietly until you are ready to leave in case your husband decides to get nasty and try to make you stay, or starts to not take your unhappiness seriously as he doesn’t think there is anything behind your threats to leave. Again, depending on the laws of the country, taking the children without his permission might not be straight forward, so you do need to tread carefully in case it gets nasty (the way a pointless affair would make it nasty….)

The thing is, nothing you have said other than your husband wanting to stay says to me you are as trapped and hopeless and you claim to be. Your children also (apparently) want to leave, and money is no issue. So why exactly are you still there? If it was to support your husband I could understand feeling trapped, but then in the next breath you are happy to cheat on him.

If you want to leave then leave, but a classic mid-life crisis affair with a younger man is just so boring and unoriginal to be honest.

ETA: As money is no object you aren’t exactly forcing your children to live without a father. He can afford to see them as much as he wants, and the children might like to go out there in the summer holidays to visit. They wouldn’t be the first children of a divorce by any stretch so this doesn’t really hold up.

How involved is DH in your kids' lives anyway? And how involved are you? It sounds like you both work all hours and hardly see your kids as it is. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. Why put yourself or your kids through misery staying there? If your DH is a good man as you say he is, he will come and visit and probably get just as much quality time with them.

You're in a fantastic position. You are affluent, have good job prospects have healthy kids, are able to leave the country you're in - so many people do not have those privileges.

Will you be allowed to take the kids out of the country without him?

Re your thread title...

YANBU, can I come too please?

OP - lots of people grow up without fathers - me included - so I don't think that should cloud your determination. In any event he could always come over to the UK on holiday to see them.

Then you know what to do and he's happy to lose you. What's stopping you? What's in the way?

Your work situation sounds unbearable. Money is not everything.

time for your husband to decide what is more important, family or money?

Please don’t have an affair and please don’t leave your children but start planning your return with them.

All reasonable points.

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that. You're right -other than that I’m not materially trapped.

Husband has a standard working hours job, does pick up and drop off and looks after them in the evening and weekends when I’m at work. He does everything for them. I don’t want them to lose him as a father which would happen if we split.

I agree with boring and unoriginal. I think I needed a Mumsnet wake up. The colleague is pure escapism. I feel it more when I’m super stressed like it’s a way of dissociating.

You are miserable, DC want to go home, & you can afford it.
put out feelers re your job, get a job at home, leave.
The kids will see their father in holidays etc.
Hes already told you you can go, He doesnt think you will go through with it
his job & ego are more important than your family

If pride is stopping you from leaving, let it go. There is nothing more honourable than stepping out of the wromg situation.

You wouldn't suggest your children stay for pride. Your dad wouldn't want you to stay for pride.

Feel tge relief of making the decision to leave and start making plans. You can grieve when you are free.

Good god, do not have an affair in the Middle East.

Leave if you’re unhappy but depending on how long your been out there and which country you’re in, you may find yourself dragged through a Hague case back in the UK and you and you children returned to the country you’re currently in for child custody to be heard there in their courts.

Then he needs to decide to come back with his family or not. He needs to listen to you all.

OP, they’re not going to grow up without a father. He can still be in their lives. Even if he chooses to stay in Dubai or wherever you are currently, he can still be a presence in their lives. He can FaceTime them; he can visit them; you can all visit him. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

https://www.harrislawcares.com/blog/2025/april/understanding-the-hague-convention-in-internatio/#:~:text=Applicable%20to%20children%20under%2016%2C%20the%20treaty,and%20access%20rights%20under%20the%20Convention's%20framework.