To want to pack it all in, leave my job, husband and have an affair?

[middleeastmum86]

My husband is not a bad man, but since I turned 40 I have lost my mother and through his work I was forced to emigrate within a couple of months of her death, leaving my Dad behind who I am extremely close to. Our children go to international school, we live in a rich compound in an affluent area of one of the richest countries in the world. My husband and I both earn a quarter of a million each tax free. But I feel totally miserable. I hate my job, the hours are punishing and relentless. the demands of the locals are totally unreasonable. I feel that my job which I was always proud of in the UK is not being practised ethically here. I have been bullied and marginalised at work as the only white Western woman in this part of the world and I want to leave but my husband wants to stay.

Whilst all of this has been going on, one of my junior colleagues has been incredibly kind and thoughtful towards me. There is attraction there. And maybe it’s a trauma bond through a difficult time but I have developed a total infatuation with him even though he’s over 10 years my junior.

So not expecting any sympathy, but would be keen to hear what everyone thinks. Should I leave and come back to the UK and detonate my life which on paper looks amazing but in reality is a gilded prison-like cage? I’m totally aware this screams mid life crisis but I feel quite desperate. I don’t want to hurt my children but see no way out,

Leave your job, pack up and move back to the UK with your kids.

Forget about the affair, it would just be a temporary rush of excitement to distract you from the main issues you need to address.

If your husband don't want to leave then I would make it clear to him that you are off regardless and will be filing for divorce. Then you can start dating again.

Your husband is prioritising money and his work over the happiness of his wife and kids, so don't feel guilty about making drastic changes.

Please don't have an affair OP, I really don't see how that will make your situation any better. It also might be very dangerous for you in the country you're in and if it all comes out badly might turn your children against you too.
You're grieving, you're missing your dad and you're homesick and you're resenting your husband for taking you away at such a difficult time,
Sit down and have a proper chat with dh about how you feel, I would strongly suggest you and the dc move back to the uk

My relationship with my Dad has been one of the most important in my life. I don’t want my kids to not have that.

From what you've said, they already don't.

I’m guessing that guilted cage is more of a prison as it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to remove your children from the country without his consent.

You say he wouldn’t stop you taking them and is a good man but you don’t know what his reaction will be once you tell him you’re leaving. I hope you’re right but I’d be very careful.

I’d also be careful if you’re in a Middle East country having an affair.

I honestly cannot understand women moving to the Middle East with kids

If you are living in a Middle Eastern country, then whatever you do, don't have an affair. Not only would you be in serious trouble but so would the man involved too. It's not worth it. You also need to make sure that your children are legally able to be removed from the country and return to the UK, along with you. Your husband may need to give you written permission to do this, otherwise it could be classed as child abduction. Your husband seems perfectly happy to prioritise his job, rather than you and his children. If you are miserable, in a job you hate, working such insane hours that you barely have any family life, and your child are unhappy living where you are currently - it's time to come back to the UK. You are clearly in a very good financial position and so is your husband. He is in a position, where he can fly back to the UK frequently and you and the children can visit. It may be that your marriage won't survive, but there's no reason why your husband can't be involved in your children's lives. You both would be in a far better position, than many separated couples. I think some counselling to help with your grieving might help you too. Some of the reason you're feeling the way you do, is because you moved from the UK far too quickly after your Mum's death. Regardless if the opportunity was amazing or not, your husband was selfish to have considered moving at that particular time, because it clearly wasn't the right time for you or your children.

I wonder if you are experiencing a burnout? Maybe some therapy would help. Money isn’t the be all and end all. It can make life easier, but not if you are miserable.
Take your time making decisions.
Dont have an affair.

If you are where i think you are, adultery is a really bad idea.

Will he let you leave with the kids?

You’re in KSA? Come home. Bring the kids. The schools in the ME aren’t great. You can get a new job here. You can visit there and him here. Don’t need to split up. It can be managed. You get to be close to your dad too.

Thanks everyone. These are all valid points. I will reflect on them before rushing to any decision. I can’t talk to anyone about it.

ps. I forgot. You’re in the ME. Probably KSA or maybe Dubai. Either way. Do not have an affair. Please!

I would leave with the kids if he is willingly letting you go. Some women are trapped when they go abroad. What I can't believe is that he would rather stay there than come back with the kids. 😞 But thats his choice OP, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Xx Good luck. A gilded cage is still a cage, and you sound like you are a high enough earner so its not as if the choice is gilded cage or skid row.

It seems to me that the only thing stopping you from deciding to come home is the potential AP. You can afford to come home, you want to come home, the kids want to come. Is the potential AP really more important than all that?

If your kids grow up without a father it will be because he chose money over their happiness and being with them, and that's not a good father anyway. Go for long term happiness over short term happiness, mMove home OP and forget the affair.

Your life sounds horrific on paper actually.
I love this country, its freedoms, its attempts at civilisation and government, and the happy little times we have.

If he's said come home with the kids, do it, now. I suspect in reality though he wouldn't let you go?

Can you do a midnight run? Do you have all their passports? Do they have your last name?

If he loves them he'll follow them back. If he doesn't, he's not a good father anyway.

I'd leave with the kids then. Money is no substitute for happiness and being near your family and friends.

You need to come home. You’re not doing your kids any favours by staying and you’re certainly not doing yourself any favours.

They don’t have to grow up without a father, ME isn’t far away (I assume you’re in the ME). My friend’s DH worked there for 5 years and they all saw him very regularly.

What I’m saying is that by coming home, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage unless you want it to. And it definitely doesn’t mean the end of your DH’s relationship with his children.

Take 1 step at a time.

PS. Don’t have an affair in the ME!!!

Husband has a standard working hours job, does pick up and drop off and looks after them in the evening and weekends when I’m at work. He does everything for them. I don’t want them to lose him as a father which would happen if we split.-
would a job back in UK be the same? Or something would you be able to work and be home evenings/weekends? Obviously bfast club and after school re drop offs but would your hours significantly reduce? Is your dad living in your home? Would he stay on your return?

Yep I’d live with my Dad in our house. He needs care.

hours would be the same unless I changed careers to something more 9-5 which i would have to do. Or just get help.

the colleague would love to come to the uk. What’s stopping me is my kids bond with their father being affected

Do that then.

Let us know when you have a drink at the local.

Succinct and cogent.

Hi Op, come back with the Kids, your father needs you all in his life. Your DH can stay in UAE? You can take kids for the holidays or DH can visit you in UK. Trial run, if you don't like it, divorce or DH moves back.

Don't break your children's hearts with an affair. But if you need to leave then you need to work out how this works in terms of custody for the kids.

Did you just expect people to gloss over that part of the thread?

If it helps, I don't think life in a rich ex-pats compound in the middle east sounds amazing on paper at all. And apparently it is not amazing for you either, so don't feel guilty about that.