Partner doesn't help when our children are being a handful

[YesIWillHaveaGin]

Feeling unsupported by my partner at the moment and want to gauge whether that's fair or if I'm being a perimenopausal witch.

I had a horrible bedtime with the kids last night that resulted in me losing my temper and shouting at them both to get into bed. I don't have many bedtimes like that with them but they had been hard work during bath time (constant screaming/shrieking, which they do a lot in the morning too. Constant mucking about/winding each other up while trying to do teeth, PJs on, reading etc). We always read but I actually threw the towel in last night as it was pointless. Admittedly I am perimenopausal and I don't have the patience that I used to but I think even if I wasn't I would have found last night hard.

While all of this was going on my partner who had just finished work (at home) was listening to it going on and stayed fully out of things. I work 3 nights a week and he does those bedtimes, so I understand that he doesn't get involved in bedtime when I'm home as he wants a break. But they were being awful and I expected him to come and help tackle what was going on behaviourly. I wasn't expecting him to help out with getting them ready. Instead he just stays in another room and listens to me getting more and more exasperated with them until I end up shouting at them.

For background he works from home 5 days a week officially from 9am - 7pm, but he spends most of the morning checking emails/taking very long comfort breaks/uninterrupted shower/walking the dog. He does do the kids packed lunches as I insisted he help with something after an argument but this is slowly getting delegated to the kids.

I lay out uniform, cook everyone breakfast, chase everyone to get ready, get ready myself etc. My 3 minute shower is always interrupted and for the 5 minutes that I do my makeup in my room the kids come into my bedroom shrieking and screaming. They are playing for the most part, but I could scream myself (and sometimes do) as it's the only time I have to myself and they decide to join me and scream. I often order them out of my bedroom but they continue shrieking somewhere else/come back in and my partner is usually engaged in one of his morning activities.

I don't mind doing most of the morning on my own - I actually find it easier, but what I do struggle with is his lack of support. Again if the kids are playing up in the morning he doesn't back me up - he can hear that I've asked them 6 times to put their socks on/brush teeth/get dressed etc. If he does get involved it will be a comment like "Put your socks on or your Mum will get angry". If the roles were reversed I'd say something like "Put your socks on because you've got school in 10 minutes and Daddy's asked you 6 times already."

Thanks @HappyNewTaxYear - I have spoken to him about it this morning. Admittedly for 10 minutes before he jumped on a work call (not my idea - I suggested talking about it at lunch or later on). He basically said he'd just finished work and gets no to time to decompress (which is true) and didn't want to deal with it basically. We have by no means finished talking about it but I made it clear that I expect his support in moments like that. Not help with bedtime, but backup when the kids are really playing up.

Again, OP, the support when they’re playing up isn’t the main thing we’re picking up on and red flagging.

I know it’s probably a lot to deal with when a bunch of people online tell you your relationship sounds abusive. I’m sorry.

Does he do stuff with them? Take them to activities?

Do activities with them?

Take them out at weekends?

He doesn't want me to give up work he just moans about the fact that me going to work impacts on him. grrrrr

I get what you’re saying but tbh me and my DH try to operate where only one of us is the pilot of the plane at a time. Obviously there’s some co piloting but we’ve found that when there’s something that needs doing (getting ready for nursery, getting ready for bed) it’s much smoother when one person is in charge.

And when our son is being a handful then we’ve recently agreed that the other person only helps if they’re specifically asked to! We’ve ended up here because too many times when I try to help, he’s been a little snappy with me (because the situation is stressful).

But we do discuss and agree approaches and routines, so we are still working as a team. And we’re not totally rigid about it, but we do do a lot of tag-teaming.

I imagine if we had more than one kid like the OP does, this approach might not work so well though!

This is what I was thinking and why they hell are you cooking breakfast. Mine got cereal or we'd never have left the house.
And screaming and shrieking is another thing that doesn't happen in my house, your poor neighbours having to listen to that.
It sounds like you have completely lost control of them, I never allowed unlimited screaming ever. It sounds like they need serious discipline. Do they scream all day at school too?

Yes he's very good with the kids - and always wants to hang out with them. takes them to the park, walks etc. It's more the way he is with me tbh.

@ShodAndShadySenators having said all that, we’re always on duty in the sense we would step up when needed. So yeah, you’re spot on that there shouldn’t be any total checking out of parental responsibilities when you’re with your family and not working.

He's definitely not lazy @PixieandMe - his job has always been full on and he's studying for a masters too (part-time). If anything his work/study load is ridiculous and stressful. He has a good work ethic but isn't always supportive.

I do get what you mean OP in a way, I just think if it was my partner's night to do the bedtimes and it was my 'night off' from it AND I'd just finished work I'd feel a bit pissed off at being expected to charge upstairs and lay down the law to the kids because he couldn't control them.

That's good and I apologise for the pathetic and lazy comment. Sounds like he is an involved father who just needs to learn when to step in and help at times!

And that shows that his mindset is you are the parent and he dips in and out as he chooses.

That's an issue. Him working and doing his Master's impacts aka inconveniences you. Are you moaning about it or being supportive? I'm guessing supportive

It may well come across as abrasive, perhaps because I feel that’s what the OP needs.

Reading her OP was an exercise in extreme frustration, as she’s on here asking for ‘advice’ whilst merrily allowing chaos to reign in her home whilst she says nothing about it.
‘He could hear..’, ‘he could see…’ ….
OMG!

He needs to step up and you need to stop him taking a back seat!

I live below a family like yours. Screaming children every morning. Their rental agents say that we neighbours have to allow children to be children. I think the parents should actually parent their children instead of inflicting their bad behaviour on the rest of the building

He isn’t not ‘helping’ he’s not ‘parenting’ language matters.

I’m sorry OP for all the comments not focusing on the issue (but shower or breakfast) and making you as if you’re expecting too much. It’s nothing to do with how many hours either of you work - you should be a team - your children are misbehaving so you should deal with it together.
I work 1 day per week, DP works 4 days, so I do most of school runs but he gets up with children during the weekend. We do all bedtime together (unless one of us is out) as our children still need one of us to be with them till they’re asleep.
so the mornings can get stressful sometimes and I do usually handle them (better or worse) but there have been few mornings when kids were a nightmare and I lost it. I felt awful. Came home from school and told Dp that I needed him to step in when he sees things getting out of control to restore the peace - just like I do for him when I see he’s getting frustrated with them - not to be a hero but to help so he doesn’t get to the point where he starts shouting. He apologised he didn’t step in and promised he would next time.
and yes there were couple occasions where I shouted to the other room - can you hear what’s going on here? Do you think you could step in or are you enjoying listening to this? I shouldn’t have had to do it but he came straight away. Yes it’s annoying I have to point things out sometimes but I do feel supported by him.
I hope your DH understands that if you/kids need emotional support he should be there just like if anyone got hurt he wouldn’t be ignoring it because he’s off duty 🙄

Have you tried using a routine chart with your kids for mornings and bedtimes? A list (or pictures for the 5yo) of what needs to be done (e.g. dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, lunch packed, shoes on, coat on) that can either be ticked off by the child or moved to the 'done' part of the chart (use Velcro dots). There are lots of examples if you Google it. Discuss with each child a reward if everything is done by the agreed upon time (picture of a clock showing that time on the chart for reference) with no screaming and shouting four out of five days a week. The rewards don't need to cost money, it could be play time with you / husband, choosing a family film to watch together, etc. This won't help with your frustration that your husband isn't supporting you, but it might stop you needing the support that often.

No probs xxx

5&8?? The problem here is your kids are horribly behaved. At those ages they shouldn’t be behaving so feral. Why on earth are you both not sorting out that behaviour?

I have a 3yo and 9yo. I can’t imagine my just turned 9yo shrieking and howling. My 3yo doesn’t even behave like this.

your husband is working far harder than you. His job is longer hours and he does lunches and bedtimes half the week.
I would expect an adult to be able to put those ages kids to bed. The problem here is the kids.

If their acting up was a once off, he should have come to support you. If this is a regular thing then I can see why he would keep out of it as he has to deal with it alone on a regular basis.
My husband has a much harder time with our dd because he doesn't have a lot of patience. As a result, he always wants to involve me when having a difficult time with her. He expects me to step in when things get tough and it drives me nuts. I never call on him when it's my turn as he's usually away on business and I have learnt how to manage these situations out of sheer necessity. I resent him expecting my backup just because I'm on site.
This might be how he sees the situation.

I don't allow unlimited screaming. Every time they do it I tell them to stop it, but sometimes they start up again. With my original post, they kept screaming and mucking about at bath time and I ended up shouting at them just to cut through. I think on that particular night one of them had raided their halloween sweets which probably has something to do with the awful behaviour. Needless to say they are hidden now.

Of course they don't scream all day at school. They don't scream all day at home either.

Their screaming sessions (and they are screaming with delight by the way - they're having a good time but no-one else is), tend to be at bath times (done separately) and the 5 minutes in the morning when I potentially could have 5 minutes to myself getting hair/face sorted.

Usually I'd handle it myself but that night was particularly bad and it's on those occasions that I'd expect my partner to step in. I'd find a partner that always needed you to help out annoying too. But I think it's fair enough to back each other up when their behaviour is really bad.

They need to be disciplined to not scream. Remove privileges or treats until they learn. Shrieking kids are super unnerving and obnoxious.

That's not good.