Partner doesn't help when our children are being a handful

[YesIWillHaveaGin]

Feeling unsupported by my partner at the moment and want to gauge whether that's fair or if I'm being a perimenopausal witch.

I had a horrible bedtime with the kids last night that resulted in me losing my temper and shouting at them both to get into bed. I don't have many bedtimes like that with them but they had been hard work during bath time (constant screaming/shrieking, which they do a lot in the morning too. Constant mucking about/winding each other up while trying to do teeth, PJs on, reading etc). We always read but I actually threw the towel in last night as it was pointless. Admittedly I am perimenopausal and I don't have the patience that I used to but I think even if I wasn't I would have found last night hard.

While all of this was going on my partner who had just finished work (at home) was listening to it going on and stayed fully out of things. I work 3 nights a week and he does those bedtimes, so I understand that he doesn't get involved in bedtime when I'm home as he wants a break. But they were being awful and I expected him to come and help tackle what was going on behaviourly. I wasn't expecting him to help out with getting them ready. Instead he just stays in another room and listens to me getting more and more exasperated with them until I end up shouting at them.

For background he works from home 5 days a week officially from 9am - 7pm, but he spends most of the morning checking emails/taking very long comfort breaks/uninterrupted shower/walking the dog. He does do the kids packed lunches as I insisted he help with something after an argument but this is slowly getting delegated to the kids.

I lay out uniform, cook everyone breakfast, chase everyone to get ready, get ready myself etc. My 3 minute shower is always interrupted and for the 5 minutes that I do my makeup in my room the kids come into my bedroom shrieking and screaming. They are playing for the most part, but I could scream myself (and sometimes do) as it's the only time I have to myself and they decide to join me and scream. I often order them out of my bedroom but they continue shrieking somewhere else/come back in and my partner is usually engaged in one of his morning activities.

I don't mind doing most of the morning on my own - I actually find it easier, but what I do struggle with is his lack of support. Again if the kids are playing up in the morning he doesn't back me up - he can hear that I've asked them 6 times to put their socks on/brush teeth/get dressed etc. If he does get involved it will be a comment like "Put your socks on or your Mum will get angry". If the roles were reversed I'd say something like "Put your socks on because you've got school in 10 minutes and Daddy's asked you 6 times already."

What are you reading? He does their packed lunch and bedtime three nights a week.

I do expect to do more childcare - my post wasn't about the work/childcare split.

Ok so for the kids, the screaming and behaviour needs consistent and effective addressing, full stop. It's completely unacceptable, especially at those ages.

As far as making lunches, he categorically cannot delegate that to an 8 year old and it needs to stop.

If you tackle the behaviour between you, you should be able to each manage 3 nights of bedtime.

So address the behaviour together rather than fight about why he should do his 3 nights and then share yours too.

If he "explodes", are the kids picking up on that? Do they hear him yelling and they've learned that's ok?

A man who does not paly the role of the father of these kids is not a man in my book....hopefully he grows a bit

😂😂😂I might try that! xx

@YesIWillHaveaGin but presumably he would "explode" if you said that?

When I say 'explodes' he will very quickly get angry, defensive and turn it all on me. Yes sometimes the kids do see that unfortunately. He will quite often go on a walk after that and come back like nothing's happened. Meanwhile me & the kids are left stressed out and upset.

It doesn't happen often but it shouldn't happen at all. The kids screaming day to day is more while they're wrestling/playing/chasing each other but they do bicker and us arguing is probably a reason for that. When he explodes I do say something back to him otherwise I'd feel like a doormat.

I wouldn't talk to him like that or swear in front of the kids. Talking to him about issues is difficult though and he has exploded when I've just raised something.

I know you’re not planning to quit work. BUT f he’s suggesting you stop work and you ever do this, then my god make sure you have access to a joint account where he pays is income in. Or better yet divides it in half as it comes in and gives it straight to you. If he appears to value your contribution in doing child and household work less, there’s a chance he would value it less financially and try to hog all the assets if you ever did split and you will lack financial options in the immediate term at least. In this modern day, your contribution is equally as valuable as his is.
You should both support each other with the children, you will both reap the benefits! If he can’t see that he’s a fool

Well, if you can't discuss reasonably without him "exploding" then you have a problem.

I think what you’re describing here is a considerably bigger deal than you seem to think it is, OP. This is a much bigger issue than not helping out with tricky bedtimes.

I really think you should be splitting up their bedtimes. 5 yr old and 8 yr olds do not have the same sleep needs. Get the 8 year old reading a book whilst you sort the 5 yr old then once the younger one is in bed put the 8 year old in the bath.

You’re describing an abusive relationship.

Yes, it does seem like this. The fact OP can't discuss is concerning.

The whole set up needs a complete overhaul (and I say this from a point of view of not being in the best set up with DH and children and needing to do an overhaul too).
I've read/listened to There's still no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverstone - I recommend it to so many people as it's a game changer in understanding children and their behaviour. Also helps you understand your role in all of it as well.
A few thoughts - Does your DH actually need to work the hours he does or is he just being very inefficient for the hours he does?
Imo he should not be doing any work before the children go to school - he's around and should be involved in getting them ready (ie pack lunches with them) - thus allowing you to get ready without interruption or you getting cross with them. The children are misbehaving because it gets them attention.
He shouldn't just hand over all bedtimes to you when you are both at home - if you are working and can't physically do bedtimes that is different from just refusing to get involved. (Kate's book and Instagram has some great ideas about solo bedtimes!)
If you are perimenopausal, then you have got your own struggles to manage and need support with that. Have you seen your GP/complimentary therapist to help you with this.
Are you doing anything to nourish yourself ie an activity you particularly enjoy?
Can you take some time out to write everything down, so you can clarify things...
Good luck!

One the main benefits of being partnered/married is both working towards a shared goal and building something together and reading through this all I keep getting hit with how independently you're both operating within. When you're all home, mum n dad should be piloting this journey together. It sounds like you are solo parenting even when he's there which is a slippery slope (have lived this, now separated) and I think if when you raise things, he gets defensive or explodes, then he's not willing to work through issues respectfully which may potentially escalate and if nothing else, will role model unhelpful patterns to kids. Does he get defensive or explode with work colleagues/his boss/other people or does he reserve this behaviour for you/his family ? (In which case you definitely have a DH problem and I'm sorry)

Right, and he absolves himself of any further interaction or responsibility.

I’ve come back to this thread to see how it’s gone and I’m a bit worried about you OP. You sound lovely but quite ground down by it all. Like previous posters I think your DH’s attitude is very concerning.

Bloody patroning, rude, and not clever, shouting in capitals as well.

I find people who use that expression dim, and unhelpful.

You mean he shouts at you?

Imagine if that's all a mother did.

Scroll on by.

If ever those words were necessary, it was here.

When you use CAPS to type something it comes across as shouty and aggressive. It might not be your intention but coupled with your dismissive reply to @Jeschara your advice doesn't come across as constructive. You just sound abrasive.

'he works from home 5 days a week officially from 9am - 7pm, but he spends most of the morning checking emails/taking very long comfort breaks/uninterrupted shower/walking the dog.'

How on earth does he get away with that?

I would have no respect for his work ethic, for a start.

He sounds lazy and pathetic (sorry, OP).

What can you do about it? I don't know.

Has he always been lazy?