To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

OP a small pizza is not a snack it is a meal in itself. And eating it in the car and hiding the evidence is telling me that you are ashamed of this or trying to hide it. From the little information I have I don't think it is unreasonable for your family to stage an intervention however, I do think it is unreasonable of them to say things like it is easy or just make better choices because that isn't helpful and makes you feel crap.
Weight management is very very complex. The first step is being honest with yourself. The second step is finding something that works for you, and that might be different to what works for someone else.

And maybe tell your family that you need support not criticism. it is not easy - may be get them doing the cooking and shopping to help you with better food choices for example.

I think they were angry you had pizza without them and hid the box under a car seat to be honest ....

• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

Well, which one is it? Healthy meals most of the time or too many takeways?

Things must be bad for a pizza box to lead to an intervention.

Get a full health check weight, blood pressure, blood tests, then you can decide if they were being over the top or they have grounds to worry.

But it's not all or nothing you can just try to eat a bit less, one less potato on the plate a smaller slice of pizza (with a bit of salad), put those leftovers in the fridge for lunch the next day. It all helps and as you get used to eating a bit less you can reduce a bit more. The idea that you can just switch to a smaller more healthy diet is not reasonable of them, it might be possible for some people but it's really very difficult usually and how to set yourself up to fail.

I used to swim a lot more and I also have issues on portion control, finished of the DC’s food etc. The weight does not come off. You won’t be burning off anywhere close to what you think you are doing by swimming. It is good exercise, but you’d need to be hammering it up and down the pool for at least an to burn off one Mars bar for example. I was dismayed when I actually used a fitness watch to track my heart rate when swimming - it was nowhere near high enough to realistically do anything about my weight in isolation.

I’ve never met an emotionally happy person who is also overweight. Eating is comfort to those who are not happy. I’ve seen it in my family. I think your family are clueless and having an “intervention” will likely drive you to eat even more. There are other ways to encourage good eating habits and exercise. This is not one of them.

The weight is almost certainly a symptom of other conditions, issues and environmental factors(probably many in that mom’s case) and these things AND the resulting weight have limited her life terribly and also caused a cascade of other issues. IMO she deserves empathy and sympathy and ideally some understanding not shame especially as low self esteem will often be an associated problem which adds to the vicious circle.

NB not that I feel any child should be forced to be a carer what ever the cause though

Providing nutritional meals is a lovely kind start but clearly mom isn’t eating extra for nutrition or ‘real’ hunger in the heathy sense and she isn’t doing it to spite you and I doubt she would choose to be such a weight. I suspect she feels trapped and beaten. It is very said for you and the rest of the family also that she has these challenges which impact family life.

There are some enlightened support programmes beginning to emerge but still a lot of misinformation and shame around. If looking for help for mom be very wary of any single discipline any talk of calories or macros or bad fats etc. consider treatment for self esteem and social enrichment for finding fun and ‘dopamine’ that isn’t food as often as possible. She might stop gaining weight or might loose some weight but more importantly she might be happier and therefore need food less ….

💕

So were you trapped in the car with them?

Couldn't you get away?

So if you had it as a treat, was it as well as your usual meals?

Doesn't anyone else eat it?

Otherwise why not have it as part of a meal with everyone?

Are you always going on and on about how you want to lose weight? Maybe they've just hit the final straw of frustration with it?

Definitely this. Whilst any movement is better than sitting on the sofa and putting in the effort to go most mornings should be applauded, for swimming to be an effective exercise (especially if it’s the only exercise you do) you need to be properly swimming so you are getting out of breath similar to a very fast walk. None of this gentle bobbing along breaststroke that so many people do. That’s great for mental health, relaxing and general body functioning but it’s not ‘proper exercise’ for the purposes of fitness, which you need it to be if you don’t do anything else.

You sound like you’re perhaps in a bit of denial about your eating habits. I was too. And like you, I insisted I ate ‘mostly’ healthily and maybe my portions were a ‘bit too big’ (they were massive) and I only had junk food a tiny amount. I was lying to myself. I would second the suggestion to go and get your health checked out - get your HbA1C and cholesterol checked. That’s what gave me the kick up the arse I needed (that and my lovely dad dying earlier this year).

Without knowing your weight it is very hard to say but if my kids and DH were so worried I would stop and re-assess. I’m a few pounds overweight and my BMI is 25.5, I know I need to lose weight and I walk 10-12K steps a day and do a half an hour pilates and dumbbell work out daily. I am also trying to eat sensibly and hope I will lose weight soon. Eating a whole pizza sounds excessive and sitting in your car and eating sounds like you are hiding and eating it which is worse. Yes, everyone is allowed a treat but then eat it properly without hiding. Sounds like you need a psychiatrist rather than just a weightloss plan. If you can’t afford counselling look at Noom. It is very good.

YABU.

Hiding in the car and eating a whole pizza as a treat is not a normal behaviour. A chocolate bar, bag of haribos, yea, I can imagine. No the whole pizza, small or not.

This, teamed with their reaction, tells me you're not just slightly overweight. So I can see their POV.

If it would be just your husband lecturing you, that could mean he's just interested in your looks and not health. But children? That's different.

@SoniaSwanners A 90 min lecture on healthy eating habits would send me straight to the chocolate digestives.

As someone who was brought up on kit-kats, penguins and crisps for breakfast and being forced to clear their plate, I know junk food and over eating/portion control is hard to break from.

Emotional blackmail from your family is not going to help you.

But, you've learned a very hard lesson.

Always dispose of the wrapper when you treat yourself.🤐

Surely the stress from them hectoring you for an hour is going to be far more life shortening than any random pizza

If they have to listen to you go on about how you need to lose weight and need to eat more healthily, then watch you eat junk food and/or huge portions and find rubbish in the car to show that you’re eating in secret, then what else do you expect?

You’ve made it a topic of conversation by telling them you need to lose weight and need to eat better, then you don’t do those things but expect them not to say anything?

It’s really annoying to listen to your mum go in about the changes she needs to make, only to then continue doing what she’s always done and expect you not to say anything. Either stop talking about it yourself or do something about it.

I agree with you. Over eating is often linked to mental state and emotions. What they have done is likely to have the opposite effect.
Ganging up on someone is unlikely to make any positive change. If you already feel bad about yourself it is likely to make you feel worse.

Eating pizza in your car on your own kinda answers your own question and tells us everything we need to know in relation to your post.

I think they should have simply told you how worried they are about your health and left that to sit. The accusations, advice and blame that followed is alienating and puts the focus on you as the problem, rather than their feelings about the situation. As a result the important message, that they are upset and scared at the thought of watching you suffer and/or losing you, has been lost.

I've had variations on this conversation for years with my DF and it comes from a genuine place of fear of losing him and frustration at his inability to take responsibility for himself. I love him and want to have him around as long as possible but I can't influence his eating habits, he has to do that for himself. Think how worried your kids must be to be even thinking about your health like this.

Agree with this. Secret pizza as a between-meals snack needs to be addressed.

Your family are worried and want to help and support you - this is not an attack

I'm about a stone and a half overweight. I know this and I know it's not good for me. I don't need my DH and DCs nagging me about it.
if they actually sat there berating you for 90 minutes it's no wonder you're annoyed, there's no way they needed to go on for that long. They could easily of just said we love you we're worried about you, how can we work together so we're all more healthy.
That would have been supportive. Just telling you to eat more healthily, have more willpower and stop making excuses isn't supportive. However if they've never struggled with their weight they won't understand how hard it is to break unhealthy habits.

I think you've got a food (carbs really) addiction.

I have food addiction, some people snort at the idea but take an honest look at your behaviour, does it have the hallmarks of an addiction? ....eating in secret, hiding the evidence, loss of control around trigger foods (most likely sugars/carbs and also maybe things like nuts and cheese) you can't just eat a small portion of it (in the same way an alcoholic can't just have one drink) feelings of shame and self-loathing at your loss of control after eating the wrong foods, feeling attacked or in denial when called out by your family.

I fall on and off the wagon, the only time I can control my eating at all is by eating very low carb, this helps a great deal but (having fallen off the wagon after losing a load of weight and regaining it all, yet AGAIN!) what I've realised is I need some mentoring or AA style support. I believe that's the difference between "abstinence" and "recovery" - abstinence alone isn't enough. Look up Bitten Johnson, she is an expert in food addiction, there is help and advice out there.

Mounjaro was amazing for me, it stopped me thinking about food completely and I lost 3 stone very quickly but I put it all back on again when I stopped because I still haven't mastered my addiction, I've got to master the "therapy" side, abstinence alone isn't enough.

If this resonates with you then please research food addiction, cutting out junk food and taking exercise is beneficial for our health, but alone it might not be enough.

They were wrong to tackle it this way because it is very unlikely to make you change anything. I think three people talking to one other person about their weight for 90 minutes comes across as unsupportive.

They should focus on practical steps, like offering to cook healthy meals so you are not tempted to get a takeaway or by clearing up afterwards so they can freeze or throw away leftovers.

There is now a lot of research showing that negative comments about weight have adverse effects. There are ways of bringing up the subject in a way that makes people feel supported.

You know you have a problem, you know eating pizza in secret isn't going to help. The exercise you do is good, but it's nowhere near enough to counteract what you're eating.

I am exactly the same. I just can't stop myself. I have an empty pringle box behind the sofa I'm sitting on right now because I knew if it went in the bin I'd get a lecture.

However. There is NO point in them all having a go at you. They need to find better ways to support you, because quite obviously just ranting at you isn't going to work, and is only going to make you feel worse.

Try thinking about WHEN you eat. For me, it's in the evenings, when I have nothing else to do and when I'm alone. If DP is with me, I won't get anything to eat. If he's on the computer or out, I'm like a human dustbin.

Could your family perhaps do more with you so you're not alone and tempted? Quality time rather than just supervising. I find that keeping busy is absolutely key.

Do they themselves have junk in the house? If it's not in the house I won't eat it, but if it is.. I can't stop thinking about it. I've said to DP before it's not fair for you to talk about my weight but then you're bringing crisps and biscuits to bed. It's miserable for me. Perhaps as a family you could all try to eat better? Even if they're not overweight, eating healthier can only help.

But the long and short of it is yes they shouldn't have ranted at you. Food addiction is a problem. Not just a bad habit.

A brilliant first sentence.
So bloody true.
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