To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

Mumsnet won’t help OP, you will be fatshamed and told to use fat jabs- which might help now but in 5 years time I bet all these people on them will be obese again. Go to a Dr for proper advice.

Everyone replying to this thread about how much the OP eats, when they eat, if they exercise and giving advice or even some downright rude comments. This isn't want the OP asked. She asked this

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

This was the question posed. It would be best to stick to the question asked rather than go off on a tangent about the OPs weight and eating habits.

Nagging someone for 90 minutes is not going to help anyone! Even if it's well-meaning. I would have binged on comfort food after a session like that.

OP, I sympathise, because something in me fears that if I don't grab food now, it may disappear. (My parents grew up with real poverty or financial loss; when I was a child we were just about making it, but knew it could all collapse at any time.)

Throughout history, humans have lived on the edge of starvation, so it's not surprising so many of us have this deep-down fear that the good times won't last. I know how hard it is to be rational about these things.

If you really are dangerously (not just unfashionably) overweight, I hope you'll get the help you need to develop more healthy eating habits, keeping the good habits you already have and becoming able to bring the unhealthy ones under control. I'd start by asking your GP and maybe seeking specialist counselling xx

Edited to add: I voted YANBU, but I don't think they're being intentionally unkind either. Best of luck.

I don’t think any one ever says this stuff from a “place of love” its always always about control, or their own issues around weight and food.

Although the first part of this is true, most doctors have minimal training about diet and weight and will nevertheless offer their personal opinion and advice, which generally won't be much better or more grounded in current research than a MN thread.

I agree - this sounds fairly extreme and it is also probably not the first example of this kind of behaviour, just the first time you’ve been caught doing it.

Maybe now is the moment to make a change OP?

It is relevant though.

Nagging someone when they are slightly overweight is a bit different to giving them a talking to if they are grossly overweight and are possibly going to soon start suffering from some severe health issues.

I think if a family member is extremely overweight and eating in secret, then for family to intervene doesn’t mean they have their own issues with food.

I’m sure there’s probably a lot more to the situation than in just OPs initial post.

Totally disagree.

I love my husband, I love my mum, if either of them were doing something harmful whether it be a bottle of wine a night or over eating I would be coming from a place of love in addressing that just as I know they would do the same if it was me.

I don’t want to bury either of them before I absolutely have to.

All of them berating you for an hour and a half isn't on, no.

Agree. A place of love is supporting when that person decides to take a course of action that is beneficial for them, a place of love is not berating them into it.

I can see that a person might be motivated by love to raise the subject. Unfortunately being motivated by love doesn’t mean that person won’t go about it in a way that is very damaging and counterproductive.

They have the best intentions I’m sure in saying this to you. You’re not alone to struggle and it sounds like you do want to make changes but food is your crutch for emotional confort, your reward as you put it. Honestly I would consider wegovy - assuming you’re eligible - it’s for exactly this type of situation. Good luck

That's true, but the OP could use it as a way to have the headspace to address her compulsive over easing and discover the cause. Also to help her gauge what normal portion sizes should be which is something we can easily lose track of. I've been off mounjaro for a couple of months and I haven't experienced any kind of ravenous hunger btw, but I wasn't using it for total appetite suppression, I took a low dose and ate healthily, tracking calories and nutrients on MyFitnessPal.

You must realise that while it’s great your family offered to do these things, it’s wildly unrealistic and unreasonable to actually ask - or expect! - that other people will do them, and so take on a burden not of their own making. It’s nice for you that your family did - I’d feel incredibly guilty if anyone felt the need to put themselves out for me to such an extent, and I wouldn’t want to accept such assistance. It would be the height of selfishness.

It certainly shouldn’t be an expectation on OP’s part. Asking them to pay for weight loss meds because they’re the one worried and concerned is really low. ‘I know you’re worried about my self-inflicted problem, but I’ll only take steps to address it if you pay for medication, and inconvenience yourself making my meals and exercising with me.’

Great about the swimming and cooking from scratch.

You're aware portion control and leftover eating are an issue, so you've pinpointed that.

So keep up the good habits - and cook less. If there are leftovers, you're cooking too much.

What do you actually eat? Are you focussing on eating enough of the good stuff to not feel hungry?

Is there a childhood thing around not being allowed to leave anything on your plate? 'Eat it all up, there are children starving in Africa'?

Or guilt around waste and money?

Your family is concerned about you shortening your life.
You're cross because you know what they're saying is true. It's a natural reaction to feel cross and defensive.
Why not channel this to motivation to make the changes you know you need to? We all slide into bad habits, get into denial and then realise our jeans are too tight.
Find one thing you can change and start doing it today.
For example, we had got into the habit of having desert every night, something we only ever have at weekends. Unsurprisingly, my clothes started to feel less comfortable so we stopped the deserts. Within a couple of months the excess had gone.
I saw a thing on Instagram the other day that I've started doing every time I brush my teeth: tap the edge of the bath with alternate feet for 2 mins x twice a day.... I might be imagining it but my tummy feels tighter already. Anything that is one thing less than your usual food wise and/or anything more than your usual exercise will make a difference.
Try not to feel bad and see it as a gentle kick up the bum if you can x

Dessert . Much less dry and sandy.

I can understand why you felt attacked OP. I think your family are defintiely coming from a place of love and concern, but they ent about it th wrong way for you (for some people their approach might be the right one, but not for you as it ha made you feel bad and might in fact lead to low mood which may be connected to over eating)

If you would like to lose weight (and ultimately it is your choice not anyone else's) think about how your family can best support you, and what you need from them. Tell them that you hear thier concerns but the long attack from them has made you feel very down about the whole business and you need encouragement not censure. If they were struggling with something, would 90 mins of berating about 'how easy it was, why couldn't they do it' help them ?

No it doesn;t help anyone. Because obviously if it was easy for you, you'd have done it. They aren;t speaking from a place of having lost weight, they are talking as people who have never had to loes weight, so they don;t know if it is easy or not. The fact that they aren;t overweight is likely because you cook themh ealthy meals.

How about they help you by joining you in some kind of exercise each day, a walk or bike ride. Or prepare and plan meals sometimes, or make some healthy snacks you can eat while watching TV or whatever. If they really want to help, let that help be encouragement and practical things rather than just telling you off for 90 mins, which has made you feel attacked and demoralised.

The Sand Diet wouldn’t even be in the top 5 weirdest things the diet industry has come up with 😂

The double standards apply to all sorts of subjects on MN tbh and too many people are down right nasty with it at times.

Well said.

I think you should ask yourself how things got so bad they felt they had to do this. Because what comes our from your post is the irritation of the addict whose artificially rosy landscape, the reassuring fantasy, has been disrupted by people telling the truth.

Tell your husband you really need some help with this & sit down together to discuss what is driving what sound like very destructive eating habits. What do you need to change? Is this about stress? Lack of time? In which case what does DH need to do to help? What life changes are needed?

Is it about food addiction/using it as a crutch? In which case can you draw up an eating plan together & schedule chats about what is triggering the eating? Would counselling help?

Bottom line: no, they’re not being unreasonable. Food addiction is real & sometimes addicts need interventions from those who love them. But that is not enough- they also need to provide practical support.

Oh OP my heart feels for you.
I hope you're busy and haven't decided to not come back and respond.

I've had numerous issues with food throughout my life and I was 15/15.5st for years after my DD came along in 2018 (5'5 for some visual. I wore 18/20).

I remember my mum telling me when I was a teenager that weight is so much harder to get off when you get older because I used to eat so many packets of crisps a day. I was more savoury back then whereas I have such a terrible sweet tooth these days.
I've always had a bad relationship with food though (still have 🙄 I'm 48).

I think to get some control and hopefully help make you feel better (because you're enforcing the control) you could start small.

Stop eating the left overs!

If you can't just throw them away to the bin/recycling; tip something on them so they're inedible.
Sounds silly but I did it many many moons ago and there was no way I was going to eat something that had coffee/tea, squash/juice, tomatoes (anything I didn't like to eat) or condiments on it.
Put all the leftovers on one plate and contaminate it so it HAS to be thrown away.

Even if you just made that change, it's a start and hopefully you'll start feeling a bit better about things.

Stop saying that you want to lose weight. People can't throw that in your face then.

If you eat a bar of chocolate, pizza, biscuits/cheese whatever, don't guilt yourself and say I wish I hadn't have done that. You did it because you wanted to (or couldn't help it) so you may as well enjoy it, or don't do it lol

Cut the portion sizes down babe.
There's no reason why you can't downsize portions and snack healthily if you have to. There are many 'treats' you can choose from, it doesn't have to be boring but it doesn't have to be bad/sweet stuff either

Increase your protein intake.
Keeps you fuller and there's so much higher protein products available in all the shops.

In an ideal world you'd cut out the secret eating altogether but I know that can be difficult.

The question is, why do you secretly eat?

Is it because you know that your family won't approve?
Is pizza your go to thing or do you secret snack other things too?
Are you depressed? If so, so you realise why you're depressed?

Would you be up for joining a group like Slimming World?
Someone I know does something called RH (I don't actually know anything about it) and shes done well.
Of course there are the injections but side effects would concern me personally. I know people who are doing extremely well with them and some who didn't have such a good experience but it's the same with anything.
How many people have Botox? I know one person who had an awful experience with the reaction and was in the Nationals about it and the bad side effects of treatment.

The bottom line is you HAVE to have more control.
We have choices for everything.
Make better ones for you and think about how many more years you'd like to have with your family.
Maybe think about how it would look at your funeral..? Harsh but its a reality for all of us. We're all going to snuff it, it's just a matter of when and why and how....

I feel bad for you and hope you find anything that I've suggested helpful.

Good luck x

A lot of how long you will live, will come down to your genes, tbh.

My Dad has been an overeating alcoholic for at least 45 years, and he's still here, almost 84 years old. Still drinks, still consumes thousands of excess calories, all the wrong foods, such as pizza, pies, pasties, sweets, cakes...washed down with booze. He's not in great shape, obviously, but he's still here.

On the other hand, my boss is the fittest person I've ever known, eats a healthy diet and does all sorts of exercise, running, boxersize, tennis...stick thin...she had a heart attack in her 50's.

With all that said, you increase your chances of living longer by eating healthily. Pizza is just shit.

Try :

Intermittent fasting - have your last meal at 6pm, and then don't eat until Noon next day.

For lunch - mixed salad with onions, carrot strips, cabbage, mackerel, salmon, boiled or scrambled eggs, tuna, chicken (not all at once obvs), follow with blueberries and a few squares of black chocolate.

Dinner - whatever (within reason)

Don't eat anything that you couldn't have eaten 200 years ago. The supermarkets are packed with SHIT. Think about what you're eating. It's not hard once you get into it.