To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

Hands up - I'm absolutely barmy. On this topic, and on plenty of other topics as well 😂

It's because I lost 2 stone (around 5 years ago) and have kept the weight off. I'm 5'8'' - so maybe that's it. but I never looked or even felt 'huge'. It's much nicer weighing less, but again, I don't think of my weight loss as huge or a massive achievement or anything.

Such hyperbolic language is perhaps not helpful and comes from skinny people wanting to show off?

If a woman came on here and asked for advice on how to approach their overweight relative about their weight problem the woman would be told to 'be kind', 'tackle it gently', etc but when the mother is harangued for 90 minutes while trapped in a car it's just fine.

I don't know if OP is obese or not, but I think her family could have handled this better. If anything they've made her more defensive and less receptive to their concerns.

If they are so worried maybe they should do all the cooking and food shopping in future whilst you pop out for a nice walk or a swim. They could prepare lunches for you as well.

There was no need for them to berate you for 90 minutes, but if you're being honest with yourself do you agree with what they were saying?
Eating a pizza for lunch in your car, on your own isn't a food choice many people (with a healthy approach to food) would make.
I see takeaway food as a once a month treat, and it's also a social thing. Pizza night for the whole family or for a girlie night in. Not something I'd eat alone at lunch time.

It’s bred by people on TikTok and other social media who are trying to make money out of helping middle aged women lose weight.

There's a funny human phenomenon (and I do it too) whereby we tend to think that once we have set the terms for a difficult conversation, even if the other person has no idea about it, they will definitely listen and take it on board and receive as we want, because we've decided it. You see it a lot on here, when there's some problem going on and OP is told to "sit this person down and explain" even when OP has tried to communicate the issue many times already.

If OP does have a disordered relationship with food or a long running weight problem, it's not going to be solved by effectively being ambushed unawares by her family. And 90 minutes of it? That's self indulgence. That's not a positive, supportive environment to help her help herself, that's a one sided haranguing of her by people who now feel they can go and polish their halos because they've done their bit. They've probably made it worse. They certainly seem to have made it worse.

If negative messaging about weight worked, there wouldn't be so many overweight people. I don't know exactly what the solution is; I lost weight once my mental state improved, which it would not have done after a 90 minute ambush by people telling me stuff I already knew.

Because they’re not bullying her.

if the OP had stated that they continuously made jokes about her weight and laughed at her yes it would would be bullying but they’re not.

They’re showing real concern that is valid.

It is quite strange to see modern attitudes to this though.

Apparently if somebody in your family who you love dearly is very unhealthy and it has an easily correctable solution by simply making better choices for food. Then you have no right, and should mind your own fucking business and just leave them to it. Even if that person has expressed that they would like to change.

Also, the attitude that two stone overweight isn't massive. Of course it is. However, weight does one have to be to be considered very overweight - ten stone overweight? Do you literally have to be carrying an entire extra person in body?Weight to lose before you re considered unhealthily overweight.

I admit that ninety minutes is a bit much, but that could just be hyperbole or possibly, she engaged them in discussion, which is why it lasted ninety minutes.I m sure they weren't just talking at her for that long.

If they are so worried maybe they should do all the cooking and food shopping in future whilst you pop out for a nice walk or a swim. They could prepare lunches for you as well.

What would be the point in them doing that if she's just going to continue to sneak takeaways in between meals?

This is the crux of it though - the perception the problem is easily correctable. For some people that may be true, for a lot of people it really is not. Many food / weight problems are driven by complex mental health issues or by underlying health conditions that make weight particularly easy to gain or particularly hard to lose.

Add to individual factors the effectively unregulated food industry that has shoved tonnes of sugar, salt and additives into food to make it as addictive as possible (a market worth billions), and an ever-escalating pace of life with constant huge changes and high stimulation / stress thrown at people daily, and you have a public health disaster.

Weight is a complex issue, it's usually not a quick or simple fix. Positioning it as such paints being fat as a personal moral failing rather than a legitimate health issue, which is how we arrive at derisive behaviour toward people who struggle with food or weight, and zero accountability for the effective poisoning of our food supply, or for creating a society so out of sync with how our bodies are designed to function.

A lot of fuss for 2 stone overweight. What’s your BMI?

@SoniaSwanners have you thought about going on Mounjaru ?
I think that could really help you with your battle over the treats . Good luck 👍

It is easily correctable.

It's quite easy not to buy random takeaway pizzas with almost a thousand calories and eat it in your car and stuff the box under the seat.

Takes a lot of effort to go and do that. More effort than just going home and making a sandwich.

‘Staging’ an intervention in that way implies that it was planned to have you trapped in the car for an hour and a half while they berated you.
But it wasn’t like that so much was it. It was accidental that they found the pizza box and suddenly came to the (incorrect) conclusion that you were secret eating and their concern then followed. That must have been a shock to them.

It certainly was a bit much to keep going on the subject of your weight for that length of time though, and must have been very uncomfortable for you …verging on unbearable if it really was that long. So I don’t blame you for feeling it attacked unfairly. Nobody would like that OP. They were unreasonable.
The trouble with that though is that you are concentrating on the injustice of them finding out about your pizza lunch and preaching to you rather than on actually getting a grip on your calorie intake once and for all.

You know their concern comes from a place of love and I’m sure their encouragement would be just as enthusiastic if you felt able to lose weight.
Good luck with it OP.

An overly simplistic take. If it were easy, it wouldn't be so common to be overweight.

You're confusing a straightforward solution with an easy one. It's like telling an addict (overeating can be a form of addiction) to "just stop". Yes, in theory that's all it takes but in practice, it isn't that easy. The addiction is both physical and psychological.

I mean, a hoarder can just stop buying crap, a depressed person can just slap on a smile and get over it, an alcoholic can just not drink, a drug addict can just not drive across town to get their next hit. It's so super easy to just magically get better, why on earth did they not think of it before?

(Sarcasm, in case that wasn't clear, I don't actually think any of this is actually easy nor achievable without real, practical, empathetic and knowledgeable support).

just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s worth trying and she clearly has volunteers to help

Exactly. Life is hard.

But we have so many adults now saying they cannot even try to control what they put in their own mouth.

How much self control does it really take to say, no. I won't have that extra chocolate bar.

It's when they say I can't and don't even try that's very surprising.

It absolutely is worth trying. Jury is out whether the family is the right support, if their comments were as reported they were pretty unsupportive and lacking understanding of what could be involved. Friends, a counsellor or a good weight loss group might be a better bet for support.

Two words. Mental. Illness. Is it really so hard to understand? So much of over-eating falls into this category. The chocolate bar is almost never the point or the real issue.

I'd hate to see the advice you'd give to anorexics. Just eat a sandwich dear, it's really not that hard.

Of course it's worth trying. But OP certainly doesn't feel that they're being supportive. She says she felt "very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides", which is exactly how I'd expect someone to feel in that situation. And I don't see how supportive they can be when they said "It's easy - just make different choices", which she said actually made her feel scared, because it's clear that they don't understand why she does what she does, and in fact they think she's failing to do something that's easy.

This sort of intervention makes the family feel good because they've done something and vented their frustration but it doesn't actually centre or help the person they claim to want to assist. It's easy to hector someone and tell yourself it's good old fashioned tough love and straight talk and you've done a great thing, but it's much harder to actually be an ongoing supportive presence and be active in that. I'll be very surprised if OP doesn't give a lot of time and energy to her family in domestic care and so on (she'd be a very unusual woman otherwise) and I wonder if any of this hectoring was dedicated to how much they'll sort out their own stuff to give OP more resources to change her lifestyle.

I don't believe that somebody who is two stone overweight is mentally ill i'm afraid.

I don't believe that everybody who is overweight and eats an appalling diet is mentally ill that's actually an insult to people who are mentally ill

You know what the easiest thing in the world is to do? This will blow your mind, it's going to be a great revelation.

The easiest thing in the world to do is say, I can't whilst not even trying.

Calling all cases of overeating mental illness is just another cop out for saying you can't do it.

Agreed. As someone who’s been in the same situation as your kids your behaviour is selfish. They’re wondering if this will be the day you have a heart attack and die. Not a nice way for them to live. All because you can’t be bothered to stop gorging on pizza etc. Grow up and take some responsibility OP.

Yes but I think the problem is that you feel attacked because you are not ready to make the changes. Op see support as attack because she actually doesn’t find it as important as they do

they have started the conversation- it’s up to her to pick it up

I wish o could but ….you can help by… doing all the cooking and shopping or by …..

each case is individual

what I do know is that when she feels she is a victim she won’t change

Me? I don't feel attacked. What are you talking about? Nobody has held an intervention with me. I gained weight some years ago after a horrible event and subsequently lost it when I was mentally recovered enough. I fluctuate a bit these days as many women do but it isn't an issue. This is not about me.

If they started the conversation with OP with no intention of finding out what they could do to help her make changes then it was entirely self serving. She knows she's overweight, fat people generally do, so it's not like they were giving her new information. If they feel involved enough to bring it up as an issue, they should feel involved enough to be part of the solution. Otherwise, what's the point? Just to feel they've done good and vented their feelings. Not centring her or a solution. Just telling her it's easy; if it's so easy, why is their input needed?

It's not fair to blame her for feeling like a victim when her family went blundering in on a self serving ambush. If they truly intended to help her, they'd see this as failure because they've made things worse in that intended outcome. If they still think it's all good and it's her fault they made her feel terrible, then it's actually about them.