To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

Their behaviour is outrageous. I don’t care what size you are, this way of behaving is going achieve nothing apart from make you upset and defensive. I would be furious.

In short, the truth hurts OP. Sorry but you can’t deflect their honesty just because you don’t want to make positive changes.

Sorry what? More than 50% of the country is overweight - are you suggesting none of them are happy? That’s complete BS.

You are right about the uselessness of this “intervention” though!

If you told a drug addict they ought to stop and it was easy not to take drugs because you don't take them, do you think it would work?

Wasn't there a thread recently eulogising about about eating junk food like McDs in the car? Why is a pizza seen as different?

I'm guessing they've tried all the other ways...

That’s the bit of this ‘intervention’ I can’t quite parse with the ‘place of love’ argument, to be honest. Dismissing it as ‘easy‘ and not offering any kind of practical support isn’t really what an intervention looks like. It is what ‘having a go’ looks like, though . . .

Quite clearly they are right, if you are sneakily eating pizzas in the car as a "treat" there is a problem. I have never ordered a pizza and eaten it alone in the car as a treat. The fact that you hid the box under the seat shows that you know this isn't normal behaviour.

Some people with food addictions can't just occasionally have treats and have to avoid all treaty food and take aways completely because they are trigger foods for them. Get some help. If your family have lectured you for so long about it clearly they are worried and you should be too.

Hi OP, I'm sorry this has made you feel so low.
They probably thought they were doing it with good intentions, but frankly they were very clumsy, and from the sounds of it ill informed..
It was three to one and NO ONE should be berated like that for 90 minutes.

I guess it's made you think about it... but it sounds, if you were feeling at all fragile, that it would have made you feel absolutely awful which doesn't really help.

Firstly. I am guessing that not one of them know that much about what it is like trying to lose weight after 40/50. Losing weight really isn't that hard in your 20s/30s. But also its about your mind set, it's often about building up your confidence.

It made by teeth grate when they repeated "Make the right choices".. If it was that easy there wouldn't be a billion dollar diet industry. And it sounds like they think if you change the way you think to their way of thinking then the weight will just drop off... A better way to think about it is that you didn't put it on overnight and it won't come off overnight.

I'm no expert. I've struggled. When I was 17/18 and only weighed less than 8 stone. Yet people around me constantly said I was fat. The pictures say otherwise and I'm really annoyed I believed them. I thought I was huge and tried every possible diet. I'm pretty sure that had a bad effect on me. My childhood diet was really lacking in proper nutrition or variety.

And diet advice is very confusing... Mediterranean food is healthy, but pasta is the dreaded carbs. BMI measurements don't seem to take into account that fat weighs less than muscle. The only thread through it that I can see is aiming to be fitter and more toned is just as important. So I tend to go by inches now. And I think you have to navigate through all the clamour and find things which you can do or agree with eg. Too much Alcohol is wasted calories, no food is "bad" ( at Slimmers World - you reward yourself with "Syns" plus I found the literature annoyingly evangelical and Gung Ho). It's very difficult to diet when you have a family to feed and have to constantly think about food, shop for food, cook it and serve it.

The GP could refer you to a nutritionist, but I think you also should go and have a full check up. You might be vitamin deficient or Not eating enough protein, dehydrated or not getting enough sleep. They'd give you better idea of reasonable portions. You'd be surprised what a difference non diet changes can make to your energy levels.
You already seem to have some very healthy habits eg the swimming etc, which is really good. And I believe the way to think about this is to make it an overall health plan, rather than a diet plan. Diet is only part of it. Think of it as healthy eating and only one of the improvements you are aiming for.

Your family have had their say and should butt out now, tell them firmly you heard them but will not be discussing it any further or you could have them watching every mouthful, which would be an ordeal. I found it was easier to get on with it quietly and not have constant comments like "but I thought you were on a diet" when you are eating something you've planned and actually sticks to your goals. Seek support from other people going through the same thing who will encourage you to share your successes and difficulties.

Hmmm.. this sounds a bit like me. I cook healthy meals from scratch for the family, and eat well for the 3 main meals but my vices are also takeaways and eating out. I added up the amount of money I spent on coffees/ pre packaged sandwiches, cake, McDonald's with the kids etc and it was frankly embarrassing. It has motivated me to knock it on the head though.

I swim every day too. However, its not enough. I chat with a guy in the gym who swims for a longer time than me and cycles to the gym. He is still very overweight. I'm not massively obese due to the swimming but I am overweight because of the takeaways!

I'd be mortified, but because I know they're right. Being got at wouldn't help me lose weight. I also agree with everyone who says why wouldn't you just put the box in the bin.

I had a friend who said exactly the same about her husband's concerns about her alcohol use. People always downplay things. Turned out she absolutely was an alcoholic - vodka in the linen cupboard, cans falling out of the buggy etc. Only you can say for sure but family more often say this out of concern rather than unkindness.

Agree with this 👆

It is exhausting to have someone in your life who talks all the talk about wanting to loose weight, be healthy but are completely deluding themselves and self sabotaging with 'treats' every day. Without knowing more about your personal circumstances it's impossible to say if you are unreasonable or not, but I did grow up with a very active, but very overweight parent (although they never really talked about weight loss or diet) and I have worried about them for decades because I love them and want them around as long as possible and I don't think the 10 hours or so a week of exercise they do (on top of an active job) is going to fully cancel out the huge portions, late night snacks and cakes at work.

It’s impossible to say whether YABU without you saying your weight or your BMI. Personally I would listen to my kids and husband if they felt it necessary to say something like this to me, but it does depend how much you weigh.

I understand why you feel attacked - 3 against 1 for 90min is pretty upsetting, although I find the 90mins difficult to believe (sorry).

my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out
Whilst it’s great that you swim and otherwise eat healthily, your vices will still cause potentially serious health issues through weight gain, the salt intake etc.

This doesn't answer your question directly, but when you swim are you churning your way through the water in a non-stop front crawl or doing a sedate breast stroke?

Cooking from scratch doesn't necessarily mean healthy meals. Think, frying, using cream and high fat cheese, too much oil in salad dressing, fatty cuts of meat, chicken skin, high carbs etc.

I think how unreasonable or not they were completely depends on (a) how overweight/obese you are (anything under 30 BMI and they were very much overreacting I’d say), and (b) whether they harp at you all the time or this was the one serious conversation where they try to help you with it. I agree a lot of the rest of the things you mention are super important - but so is weight. I’m similar in that I’m highly active and eat a broad and diverse diet but have a problematic if not crazy BMI. Now I have kids I worry about it frankly much more than my doctor or friends / family would because I want to be there for my kids.

One slightly different thought - if their concern is partly about your blood pressure and diabetes risk, it's not hard to get those things checked then you/they'll know if it's an issue or not. I eat too much sugar and was sure I'd be heading into the pre-diabetic zone but had a blood test done and I'm fine, perhaps by some genetic quirk. Likewise my blood pressure is that of a sporty person, even though I'm not. The blood tests are easily done via online/mail services and you can get a blood pressure monitor from Amazon. Knowledge is power and all that.

Nobody can answer this without knowing whether you're seriously overweight or not. If you are YABU, if not, YANBU.

I agree with this. Yes, people can be overweight because of greed and poor choices. They can also be overweight because they have an eating disorder or an addiction to food resulting in disordered eating. Nagging an anorexic to eat more, because it’s just so simple to eat a sandwich, for 90 minutes is going to achieve precisely nothing. Same with an overweight person.

OP, I do think your family have done this from love. Misguidedly and ill equipped, but definitely love. The only person who can fix this and change your weight is you. Nagging you won’t achieve anything. Are you eating because you’re hungry? Or because you’re upset or tired or bored? Is it a reward? Is it the part of your life where you feel in control because you get to choose what you eat and don’t eat? There’s a group called Over Eaters Anonymous. Not a fat fighters group, but more along the lines of AA. I don’t know much about them but I think that if there’s one in your area, you might find it helps you address the reasons behind your eating, which will help you if you want to lose weight. Good luck.

I would want to know if they have form for this kind of bullying/group action?

90 minutes was way way too long, and their delivery as a group very intimidating. If you genuinely believe someone you love has disordered eating there are ways of raising it without shaming them.

It's not outrageous. They are worried about her. If someone was drinking in secret and hiding the empty bottles would it not be concerning? Why is this any different? OP clearly has issues with food and must be significantly overweight if her family are bringing up a litany of potential health issues.

What size pizza was it? A small, personal pizza, ok not great but not that bad. Medium or bigger? That's a lot. I can usually only manage 2 slices of takeaway pizza, maybe 3 if I'm starving. An entire one seems excessive!

Depends. If your on the verge of making yourself ill they have a point.

The only way to know if they’re being unreasonable or not is to know how overweight you are.

If it’s only a little then they are being unfair, if it’s a lot then they’re only saying it because they love you and are genuinely worried about you.

I wouldn’t tell a bunch of internet strangers how much I weighed so I don’t expect you to but I think if you step on the scales and have a think you’ll be able to work out the answer for yourself.

They may well be being unreasonable but no one but you can say 🤷🏻‍♀️