To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

Prob best to take it in the spirit it’s intended

However I don’t think you learned much from their intervention other than maybe that they care about it and feel out of control to fix it for you - which may well be how you feel yourself!

Its totally impossible to communicate the real issue you are facing to people who don’t have the same problem imo and while they are aware of the risks associated with higher weights I wonder if they have done as much research into the reasons people can suffer this problem endlessly or repeatedly as for their they will find some compassion for your circumstances.

Weight management, especially once it has got too high, is complex, multi faceted and fraught with reasons for failure outside your control and not related to ‘will power’.

You can prob tell I have the same problem!

At 50 plus I have given up boom and bust dieting and through a completely different approach have had a more sustainable and happier health and weight progress overall and despite the naff name would recommend Slimpod which tackles so many layers of relevant issues including those in our heads/subconscious habits; start a determined quest to find fun(dopamine) that does not come from food; use a heavy dose of patience and get a check that you are not hypo thyroid (I was, unknowingly).

💕

That still won't work. My 81 yo mum is very obese (at her last check 18 months ago she was 13 stone overweight so has refused to check since.) Her mobility is very poor, she now needs a walker to walk across a room and she has spent £50k on joint replacements which now need to be done again.

My dad and I cook for her, doing nutritious meals with sensible portions and lots of veg. She will eat them, and then eat a kilo of cheese that evening or an entire loaf of bread with butter and jam. The meals are perfectly fine for the rest of us. She could spend the money on WLI but won't as she has to save for her next hip replacement and doesn't want to be on them for life.

At the end of the day, she clearly prefers to eat everything than to be able to walk, or play with grandchildren, or even leave the house. All I can do is make it clear that I will not be able to care for her when she is bedridden.

Was the pizza a 'treat' on top of your normal meals or instead of dinner?

If you're doing an hour of fast crawl and having a small pizza instead of dinner on the odd occasion then i couldn't get my knockers in a twist - not hugely healthy but the two will probably cancel each other out calorie wise.

If you drift up and down the pool doing breaststroke and then have a pizza as a treat, hide the box and then go home and have dinner - well then it's starting to sound like a problem.

A pizza isn't a treat - it probably has around half your calories for a day in it - or even more.

The OP needs to take responsibility for her weight herself, not be blaming others for it by saying they don't support her enough. She is the one eating left overs and take aways alone in her car. It's not like she doesn't have a moment to herself at all if her kids are older and she can go swimming for an hour every day.

We don’t know you here, and you can name change and vanish tomorrow so can I ask you to be honest with us here?

Are you overweight? How much? Are we talking porkier than you’d like, or are you obese

how old are you? Under or over 50? Peri? Menopausal??

i ask because a year ago i was you. I was obese, my doctor was warning me about being prediabetic, cholesterol was rising, blood pressure was medicated. When I hit peri menopause things got worse.

my issues were definitely portion control first and foremost

You say you swim every day? At a pace? Or breaststroke in the slow lane? I swim with a competitive squad, so fast, challenging etc etc 3 hours a week

did that help me lose weight? No. Just toned a bit, but the weight was still creeping up. I did not think I could do any more exercise

so get your portion size under control, then look at what you’re actually eating and cut the crap.

I used weight loss medication, but you can do this without. WLM is just like nicotine replacement stuff, it helps you with slowing digestion, can suppress your appetite and gives you that space to reset your relationship with food.

ive lost 5.5 stone, am in healthy BMI range and I do sooooo much more than I used to, im the fittest i’ve ever been

if I can do this at 57, so can you

I know you’re cross at the “intervention” I know, my oh used to talk to me all the time about my weight, and he wasn’t even focusing on the health. It hurt, it annoyed me. A lot.

if you know you need to do something about your weight, it’s never been easier than it is nowadays

Why not try the jabs if you can afford them ?

What a load of rubbish saying that how you feel no matter what people say to you is a cop out phrase that I hear people use who are generally rude. This is her family, the people she loves, of course she is going to be upset!

A family doesn't "intervene" with someone who's half a stone overweight.

There's a problem here.

They're coming at you from a place of deep concern and love. Get the jabs.

Wish you the best OP.

“If you want to help me, I will need you to volunteer to start cooking for me and exercising portion control, while producing meals that fill me up and leave no leftovers, come with me on a regular bike ride or a run to help me exercise more, pay for me to start weight-loss medication Etc. but no more with the lecturing - unless you have a death wish!”

disagree with this, WE need to take responsibility for our health, however needed.

nobody can do this for us, we have to find the motivation and see it through. For us!

I mean. A small pizza is four slices. Where does it say it was an extra meal? We don’t even know the OP’s weight.
I’ve eaten taken out chicken in the car in secret before. DH is snobby about takeout and I couldn’t be bothered with the conversation about it and I also didn’t want to buy any for the kids!). I’m a normal weight.
We can’t tell if it’s OP with a huge issue or her family being insanely over the top surely?

They probably shouldn't have done it, but I understand them. It's exhausting loving someone who talks the talks but self-sabotages constantly. I've given up. At some point, adults must take accountability for their own life and health.

It’s just a trendy excuse for being a bellend. Of course when people say hurtful things to us we get hurt. We’re human. Show me someone who has never been hurt by the words of someone else and I’ll show you a liar.

If you want to help me, I will need you to volunteer to start cooking for me and exercising portion control, while producing meals that fill me up and leave no leftovers, come with me on a regular bike ride or a run to help me exercise more, pay for me to start weight-loss medication Etc. but no more with the lecturing - unless you have a death wish!”?

What? Absolutely disagree. Personal responsibility is a thing. It should be brought back.

If the OP’s problems are psychological then weight loss injections are a terrible idea. You won’t get them if you disclose a history of eating disorder and quite rightly.

When do you see yourself sorting it out?

If you've been overweight your whole life, it's wearing on your body and you're kidding yourself to think you'll get older, turning 60, 65, 70 and still be able to cope with your body in the way you are now. Or that you'll reach those ages and suddenly being overweight won't be a problem.

It's also quality of life. Your knees will suffer, you'll be at higher risk on certain medications etc.

If you were drinking and stashing bottles you'd know you have a problem. Secret eating isn't normal at all.

When you say eating leftovers , the way you have written it sounds like you are finishing what they have left after you have had your meal as opposed to saving them for lunch the next day? If so easy fix they take their own plates out and any leftovers get put straight in the food waste bin.

If you are eating in secret though then I think that needs more than family intervention. Did you eat the pizza and still have a family meal? That would be very concerning

Nope you create your own feelings. That is why I could say ( I never would) to two fat people Jesus you are fat and one would be devastated and cry and one would say yes I am and think no more about it. Your feelings come from how you feel about yourself , your baggage etc etc. that’s why we talk so much about triggers - the thread about the John Lewis advert , people are saying they feel loads of different things, some are seeing an abusive dad, some are saying what abusive dad? It’s the same advert.

im not saying people should be absolute arses and get away with it but you can’t hand all the power to people. So right for the op to say “I felt x y z” but not you made me feel. Or to say I think you were trying to make me feel ashamed etc.

You have not really given enough information for anyone to say much other than speculate. Being a stone overweight is somewhat different from being a few stone. I suspect they have reached the end of their tether and the pizza box was the final straw. I can however see why you feel the way you do after the onslaught from which there was no physical escape.

It is awful passively watching someone you love destroy their body and health through overeating, year in and year out. You never feel you can say anything, but at the same time you also want to give it to them as clearly as possible. As each stone goes on, you live in hope that they will do something about it, you drop subtle hints that you hope will hit home/offer healthy alternatives/encourage exercise etc etc, but another year passes and more weight goes on. They half heartedly try various diets/interventions with little success and more weight gos on. You see them change both physically in size, how they move and how they behave. It’s heart breaking when you get to the stage where you feel worried if they will live long enough for their children to get to adulthood, reach retirement, hold down a job, find clothes to fit, are unhappy, are depressed etc and so the list goes on.

You now know how they feel (we don’t know how justified their concerns are) and it’s up to you what you do with the information and how you may with to respond to the manner in which their message was delivered.

Also, none of that would stop her eating secret pizza in the car, it's not like she did that becuase her regular meals don't fill her up.

Arranging therapy might be more useful, but OP would need to engage before it was helpful.

It’s not unreasonable for them to be concerned. Was it truly 90 minutes or did it just feel that way? I can understand how that would feel upsetting.

You’ve not said how overweight you are but I assume it must be considerable if they’re so concerned as to say all these things?

You say you swim for an hour every day. Do you? Or are you in a pool for an hour every day? Are you really working hard in the pool or are you swimming a bit of head up breast stroke and then resting every 4 lengths? I only ask as it makes a massive difference. Swimming can be great but only if you’re truly working and not kidding yourself, but every credit for the commitment of going for an hour every day! Definitely keep that up!

Same for the food, there was a programme called Secret Eaters that really highlighted how much people deluded themselves into thinking they eat healthily. You may benefit from a food diary where you weigh and log EVERYTHING. Even the oils you cook with, every coffee etc. If you’re honest with yourself you will not only be horrified by the calories you’re taking in, but also able to identify key places where you can make cuts which might not be as hard for you as you’d think.

best of luck OP, and you should be glad you have people who care so much about you ❤️

Nothing more annoying than someone saying they are planning on doing x, y and z to lose weight and then not doing it. They've probably had enough.

Inclined to agree with others, it depends how overweight you are. If we’re talking obese, they’re likely just concerned about you. I guess it’s also because you’re constantly saying you want to change but they’re finding evidence of you not fulfilling that so perhaps they thought this may be a wake up call.

They are still her feelings and she is allowed to feel them just because others would feel differently doesn't mean the other peoples feelings are 'right' and the others are 'wrong' and who is the judge of what are the right feelings and what are the wrong ones?
Clearly you had feelings about her post, and mine to reply to them, are they right or are they wrong? Or are they just your feelings, which may be right for you but are just that, your feelings, nothing more.

What’s your BMI @SoniaSwanners ?

You're not healthy from what you are describing.

If you are overweight in that you have a high fat percentage (almost always the case when overweight) then your body is not healthy.

Eating too much of what is considered healthy food is not healthy. If you eat 5 avocados and 10 eggs a day, it's unhealthy.

It doesn't take many unhealthy treats to amount to an unhealthy habit. A whole pizza as a treat is a big warning sign. The fact you were hiding it is a concern too.

It sounds that you are in massive denial OP. I'm sorry.

Yanbu.
I would NOT appreciate being lectured like that, despite their motives, particularly in a car where you were stuck.

I am a healthy weight so I am not projecting.
I'd be very very pissed off.

They may mean well but the delivery while stuck in a car means I would be very annoyed.

90 minutes of that. Jesus you are a better woman than me.
The car would have been stopped and I would have gotten out.

What height and weight are you for them to think that onslaught was acceptable?