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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

441 replies

SoniaSwanners · 05/11/2025 09:58

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

  • I'm overweight
  • I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
  • I should be worried about my blood pressure
  • I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
  • I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
  • It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
  • I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
  • they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

  • I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
  • I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
  • my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

OP posts:
Sunflower459 · 05/11/2025 11:36

NotTheSameTwentyFourHours · 05/11/2025 11:33

Both really I think.

They were probably coming from a place of love, but going on at you for 90 minutes crosses into bullying/ lecturing.

I actually think eating alone in your car and them feeling entitled to lecture you for 90 minutes are connected - it's unsurprising to me that you eat in your car on your own specifically because you anticipate a judgemental audience at home.

For some of us (especially mothers but not solely) over eating is actually not really about food but about having something - a moment of time as well something that as an isolated incident is harmless yet "forbidden", like the wife and mother eating alone instead of thinking about her entire family's meal - selfish, entirely for ourselves and not for the family.

I've gained and lost far too much weight in my adult life and I'm pretty sure it's never been about food really. My parents controlled food to an unusual extreme (not due to money) when I was growing up, as well as not respecting my privacy as a teenager and my disordered relationship with food started there, but my years as a young mother of multiple children did cement it - sometimes two minutes alone in the kitchen eating leftovers when I was clearing up was the nearest I got to "my time" - someone else always expected something from me. It's hard to shake that when your only time entirely to yourself is still the commute to and from work.

I actually think your family are probably making things worse, invading the only private space you have and criticising what you do in your car on the way home from work!

They probably come from a place of love, but perhaps suggest that they can best support you by giving you more time to look after yourself in other ways. At least your swimming time is time to yourself - perhaps you need more time like that, and then you'll feel less need for ten minutes alone with a pizza!

Good points here.

mcmooberry · 05/11/2025 11:37

It's probably due to the fact that you talk the talk and don't walk the walk. There is something of the secret eater about having a pizza in the car alone and hiding the box. Assume you must be very overweight for them to do this and they are likely to be genuinely worried about you and feeling helpless (and irritated at finding the pizza box and what that signifies) Mounjaro has been transformative for a few people I know, so hard to do it with willpower alone.
Well done with the swimming, I would go down with the ship and surely that will be helping your cardiovascular health.

spoonbillstretford · 05/11/2025 11:39

I think I'm broadly with you, OP.

Most people know they are overweight and are trying to do something about it.

Everyone going on at you for 90 minutes sounds like bullying.

My DH knows he is overweight, he always has been a little overweight but is more so now. I know that he knows he is overweight I know he worries about his health, and there is no point me lecturing him about it. And I certainly would not get DDs involved. I am trying to gently encourage him back into the gym as he was in better shape and enjoying exercise in the early part of the year.

BauhausOfEliott · 05/11/2025 11:40

If you really are significantly overweight - ie, you're in the seriously obese category - then it's not unreasonable that they're concerned - but they clearly don't understand the psychological aspects of eating and diet that make it more complicated than 'just making different choices'. And ganging up on you to lecture you about 'junk food' isn't going to help you.

Phelicity · 05/11/2025 11:40

I think you already know the answer Sonia 🤔

ASimpleLampoon · 05/11/2025 11:41

Presumably they will expect you to take on no unpaid Labour \ mental load for their comfort going forward so you can make yourself and your health an absolute priority @SoniaSwanners

Outside9 · 05/11/2025 11:41

Your family cares about you more than any stranger on this forum does, so I'd trust their views more.

Its not typical for families to do these sorts of things. Which suggests it's coming from place of concern and love.

latetothefisting · 05/11/2025 11:42

They are not unreasonable for being concerned, however if they did focus on it for 90 minutes and made you feel upset that is clearly unreasonable.

Did you say anything to them though? I can't imagine someone nagging me for 90 mins and just sitting there and taking it - after they'd made their points (surely it doesn't take long to make the essential points of what you said they did) its just a lot of repetition and after 5-10 mins I would have said "okay I hear you, I'll take it into consideration but please can we stop talking about it now?" Then if they continued. "NO! I've listened to what you've said but this is just bullying now, stop talking."

Then if they still didn't stop, stuck my hands over my ears/turn radio on/ask to pull over and let me get out, to make the point - although obviously reasonable people shouldn't ever let it get to that point.

LandSharksAnonymous · 05/11/2025 11:42
  • I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
  • I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
  • my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I know people who can swim for an hour a day but they're still fat. And just because you exercise a lot, doesn't mean you're not fat. And it's not about the time you exercise for, but how strenuous that exercise is. Eating takeaways and meals out, and having bad portion control, takes away from 'eating healthily.'

Hiding takeaway boxes indicates you have a serious issue and they are rightly concerned. Their delivery might have been wrong, but perhaps they felt if they did it individually that you would not listen.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 05/11/2025 11:43

I doubt they would have done this if they hadn't tried different approaches/weren't really concerned. How overweight are you?

Ontheedgeofit · 05/11/2025 11:43

My DH has been having this conversation with his DB for many years. My BIL does not have a wife to have the conversation with him. Low and behold the path laid out by my DH to my BIL should he not change his habits has come to fruition. Hypertension, pre diabetic, morbid obesity, low mobility induced edema... He is now passed the point of being able to turn it around unfortunately.

You havent told us much about your weight which is often the most obvious sign to those around you that you are not treating your body well so its hard to say whether they are right or wrong in what they say. You also havent told us much about them and their health status but it is hard watching someone you love do damage to themselves when you are not.

Nobody else is going to be that honest with you besides your GP who doesnt love you, so the best thing to do here is be honest with yourself.

Something about being so blind that you cannot see....

Owly11 · 05/11/2025 11:45

You should take this very seriously. You have a problem that your family can see but that you are in denial about. For it to get to this point of making an intervention it must be getting pretty serious. They love you and are very worried about your health. I suggest sharing with them your feelings of shame after the conversation to open up a dialogue and take it from there.

mochimoons · 05/11/2025 11:45

If a person is struggling with their weight and it’s a source of concern, finding pizza boxes in their car would indicate a larger problem to me, because like other posters have said it's not a normal thing to sit in a car and eat a pizza.

atamlin · 05/11/2025 11:48

I’d listen to my children. If they are that concerned you must be quite unhealthy, especially considering you bought, ate then hid a pizza box under your car seat, I’d be concerned too.

Homegrownberries · 05/11/2025 11:51

Eating a pizza on your own in the car isn't a treat, it's a problem.

mysafespace96 · 05/11/2025 11:52

it's good to have people care for you and all. but being lectured for 90 min about my eating habits is not being supportive. anyway i think if you really think at some point they might be right and that you need to change something about yourself, you should intend to do for your own sake, not because someone attack you about it or criticized you.

Harassedevictee · 05/11/2025 11:52

@SoniaSwanners YANBU what many people don’t realise is that an intervention like that quite often has the opposite effect. It actually drives you to eating more unhealthy foods.

It like “buy the smaller size and slim into it” the psychological pressure is too much so you go what the fuck I’m not going to achieve it so why not have that chocolate.

Plus over the decades there have been so many mixed messages about what is “good food” or “bad food”. Quite often very unhelpful messages.

Understanding the psychology of why someone eats high calorie foods or vast quantities of food is a personal one, it isn’t the same for everyone. Most comments, which come from a good place, actually have the opposite effect.

Key is for the person themselves to have support to understand why they do this and to work out the right way of eating for them. It’s not a diet it’s making small changes to what and when you eat that can make a difference. It’s a life long change but you need to understand yourself to make the changes.

Bariatric surgery and WLI are not quick or easy fixes. In both cases if you don’t address the psychological factors often people just put the weight back on.

TorroFerney · 05/11/2025 11:53

Weedinosaurus · 05/11/2025 10:12

I think you have issues around food - eating an entire pizza in a car alone and putting the box under a seat isn’t normal behaviour.
You also say you eat healthily most of the time and then say portion control and take aways are a problem.

Can I ask if you would have thought the same if they’d commented that you were underweight and worried that you didn’t eat enough?

I think it has triggered shame in you because you know you’re overweight and you know you don’t really eat healthily and perhaps you are kidding yourself a little but because really facing the truth is painful.

I think I would be listening to what they said as I do genuinely see it as them caring for you.

Maybe this is the wake up call you’ve needed to make some changes. Start looking at your relationship with food and its emotional impact and do some work/therapy around it. If you change and manage to control your eating and your weight then this can only positively impact your life. You’ve got nothing to lose here.

Also, no amount of exercise can undo the health damage of a bad diet.

Agree. It’s all about the shame. We will do anything to not feel shame and weight is a team trigger it seems to be one of the worst things someone can comment on.

Wowisthisit · 05/11/2025 11:53

Personally I don't think it is helpful. You can see in the mirror, you know what you need to do. I have never found that this sort of 'intervention' is ever helpful.
If they want to help then they can join in things with you, ask you to go for walks, if you'd like someone to go to the gym or classes with you etc. Or, if you are busy, helping to free you up some time so you get more time to take care of your self. Also offering you some free time for self care, a massage or facial, help you feel more special.

A 90 minute 'intervention' is just an exhausting attack no matter how loving their intentions are.

This is from someone who has lost 100lbs. I did it in my own time, when I was ready.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/11/2025 11:54

Holdonforsummer · 05/11/2025 10:02

I agree with the other posters - it kind of depends how overweight you are. BMI 29 = they need to chill out. BMI >35 they are right to be concerned and they did it in a nice way.

Personally I think BMI is BS and the reason I think that is because my boobs are ginormous and must weigh.... Well I don't actually know the answer to that but surely it has to count for something?
I used to be obese, I'm slightly overweight now because I lost two and a half stone but my boobs are still big and heavy.....

SunnyDolly · 05/11/2025 11:54

Are you hiding takeaways in the car? As in, are you secretly eating them away from your family? I can understand why that would concern them.

Sunflower459 · 05/11/2025 11:54

Harassedevictee · 05/11/2025 11:52

@SoniaSwanners YANBU what many people don’t realise is that an intervention like that quite often has the opposite effect. It actually drives you to eating more unhealthy foods.

It like “buy the smaller size and slim into it” the psychological pressure is too much so you go what the fuck I’m not going to achieve it so why not have that chocolate.

Plus over the decades there have been so many mixed messages about what is “good food” or “bad food”. Quite often very unhelpful messages.

Understanding the psychology of why someone eats high calorie foods or vast quantities of food is a personal one, it isn’t the same for everyone. Most comments, which come from a good place, actually have the opposite effect.

Key is for the person themselves to have support to understand why they do this and to work out the right way of eating for them. It’s not a diet it’s making small changes to what and when you eat that can make a difference. It’s a life long change but you need to understand yourself to make the changes.

Bariatric surgery and WLI are not quick or easy fixes. In both cases if you don’t address the psychological factors often people just put the weight back on.

Agree.

TorroFerney · 05/11/2025 11:57

Worralorra · 05/11/2025 10:52

You need to say to them

“You made me fell humiliated and embarrassed by piling on at me for over an hour about my weight yesterday, and while it may have come from a place of concern, you clearly weren’t afraid to hurt my feelings, so I’m going to tell you all, just once, don’t do that again!

If you want to help me, I will need you to volunteer to start cooking for me and exercising portion control, while producing meals that fill me up and leave no leftovers, come with me on a regular bike ride or a run to help me exercise more, pay for me to start weight-loss medication Etc. but no more with the lecturing - unless you have a death wish!”

They didn’t make her feel anything, they don’t have that control . You generate your own feelings.

so you are saying basically make it someone’s elses problem?

do they also never let her be in her own so she can’t eat in secret.

Sunflower459 · 05/11/2025 11:58

Wowisthisit · 05/11/2025 11:53

Personally I don't think it is helpful. You can see in the mirror, you know what you need to do. I have never found that this sort of 'intervention' is ever helpful.
If they want to help then they can join in things with you, ask you to go for walks, if you'd like someone to go to the gym or classes with you etc. Or, if you are busy, helping to free you up some time so you get more time to take care of your self. Also offering you some free time for self care, a massage or facial, help you feel more special.

A 90 minute 'intervention' is just an exhausting attack no matter how loving their intentions are.

This is from someone who has lost 100lbs. I did it in my own time, when I was ready.

Yes, it would be great if OP could give us some sense of whether her family have done anything to support her beyond The Great Ticking Off.

Arctician · 05/11/2025 11:59

On the basis of a sneaky, away from prying eyes, WHOLE pizza - in the car (dirty little secret) I’m going to assume that you make quite a splash when you dive in for your swim. So …. Get help. Seriously. Including from your family. They need to be actively engaged if they worry or wish you to change. Go on ! There’s a new you waiting for you. Keep us informed of your progress…. Loads of support on here.