'Dictating' and 'blackmailing' about PIL's dog

[GigglingSquiddling]

Me and DH have 2 kids, aged 18m and 3 years. My PIL live about 90 minutes away from us and have asked if we would like to spend Christmas with them this year. They have a big breed dog which is untrained, boisterous and has been known to snap/bite both dogs and people. He's only 3 but being a big breed still acts very puppy-like. He's drawn blood from my FIL multiple times.

We have said we are only comfortable visiting if the dog is muzzled or locked in a different room for the duration of our visit. PILs have refused, saying this isn't fair on the dog and they don't believe in muzzling as it's cruel. They think he's a big softie and "he's only snapped a few times, it's not like he's an aggressive dog"- their words not mine. They think it's our responsibility to keep our children away from the dog. While I don't disagree, this doesn't sound like a pleasant visit as we would constantly be hovering, especially over the youngest who isn't old enough to understand to stay away.

We've just said it doesn't sound like this set up works right now so maybe it's best left until the kids are a bit older. We are now being accused of dictating what PILs do in their own house, and blackmailing them by withholding access to their grandchildren if they refuse to 'bow to our demands'.

Are we being unreasonable? I'm not anti-dog, we have a dog but he is smaller, well trained and very quiet and soft with the kids. I have no issue locking him in the kitchen or garden if friends come round who aren't keen on dogs.

It sounds like the perfect excuse to have a lovely Christmas at home, just the 5 of you!

You are not being unreasonable. There is another thread running about an OPs brother who wants to bring his dog over for christmas and for various reasons she doesn't want the dog in her house.

Consensus there, and should be in this case too is: people are free to request "no dogs" or "dog locked away" and the people with the dog are entitled to say "doesn't work for me, thanks no thanks" and refuse the invitation.

Stay home with your DCs and see the grandparents another time outside their home.

I am a dog owner. I love my mutt but when people come who don’t like dogs she is shut away. She is crate trained, loves her bed in the crate and goes to sleep

If young kids come, and she is not used to kids, she is shut away, I would expect your PIL to do the same especially if blood has been drawn. They have obviously not trained the dog,

they want to see the grandkids then they start training, in the meantime I would not be going either

Take the win and stay at home!

I wouldn’t have gone to their house even if they said they’d take the measures you suggested as I wouldn’t trust them to stick to them.

I would say to them that they are choosing their dogs comfort over the safety of their grandchildren.

They are being selfish dicks. No one with children as young as yours want them to be around an untrained and boisterous dog. Tell them they can enjoy Christmas Day with the dog as you are staying home.

YANBU, I wouldn’t be going anywhere near that dog - even if it were locked in a separate room - if it wanted to get out it would!

If PIL are accusing you of forcing them to “bow to your demands” then I would reiterate this point in your OP back to them - you say “They think it's our responsibility to keep our children away from the dog.” I would be repeating this line back to them & say that since a compromise cannot be found you will be taking full responsibility for keeping your children away from their dog as per their advice by not coming to their house.

They are being ridiculous. You are not dictating what they do in their own home; you are simply saying that as long as the dog is there you will have to turn down the visit invitation.

There will be lots of other opportunities for them to see the GC if they are sensible.

Honestly I am a total dog lover. However there is no way I would expose my DC or even myself to a boisterous bitey dog.

You would be mad to go.

Stay home for Christmas. My dog can bite so I don't have children visit, just in case.

I am a dog person so definitely not anti dog… but any dog that has snapped or drawn blood is never being around my child. The dog would never be welcome in my home and my DC would not be going into a house where the dog is (being put away or on a lead would not be enough when these poor excuse for owners can’t see the issue right in front of them).

Your PILs are idiots and give responsible dog owners a bad name. Let them rant, stick to your guns. Their dog is not safe to be around small children, it’s a problem that is entirely their responsibility to fix and you will not be putting your children at risk to pander to their stupidity.

They think it's our responsibility to keep our children away from the dog.

Problem solved, you don't go for Christmas as you're fulfilling your responsibility to keep the DC away from their (actually really fucking dangerous) dog

You’d be criminally negligent parents to agree otherwise. Good dog owners understand this and don’t have pets like this.

They sound stupid. Every dog should be muzzle trained in case they ever require one and then it isn't scared.

Who wants to spend a Christmas keeping toddlers away from a large snappy dog. Their faces are probably dog face height.

They've said it themselves:

It's your responsibility to keep your kids away from the dog.

So you agree on something. No visits with the dog.

It's not a debate. They've invited you and you're able to decline. Decline. I actually think you'd be reckless to go given that they've indicated no responsibility so it's a shutshow waiting to happen.

I have two dogs. I only holiday in this country so I don't have to leave them. One is a rescue that is a little boisterous on first meeting (he's a small dog, hence my name).
DS is nervous around dogs, especially where his DD is concerned. Despite never showing any sign of aggression, I respect DS's wishes and wouldn't inflict my dog on them. He's never met GD.

I wouldn’t be going.

YANBU. They’re nuts and clearly don’t care about their grandchildren.

Any dog can suddenly turn and become aggressive . The vast majority dont, but then the news comes on about a child being seriously injured (or worse) and its all "I cant believe it, he wouldnt hurt a fly"
Your PILs dog has form, so its a big fat NO, absolutely not

Fuck no. They have a choice and they're prioritising their untrained, dangerous animal over their GC. The responsibility lies only with them.

They sound like manipulative arseholes tbh. You are not dictating what they do in their own home. You are saying that you don't think that your children are safe in the company of their boistrous and untrained dog so you are staying at home. Blackmail would be you saying that unless they get rid of their dog, they will never see your children again. That is not what you are doing or saying.

They're not very bright. They have the manipulation skills of a three-year-old.

This is a good point. PILs are clearly not the sort of dog owner who can be trusted, so there's a fair chance any safety measures they promise now won't actually be adhered to.

Oh, just don’t go. They’ll spend the whole time moaning about the dog being locked away, or ‘just letting him out for a few minutes’ and you’ll be stressed out at best or taking the kids to hospital after being bitten, at worst. If their priority is the dog, leave them to it.