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Original poster

'Dictating' and 'blackmailing' about PIL's dog

100 replies

GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 09:30

Me and DH have 2 kids, aged 18m and 3 years. My PIL live about 90 minutes away from us and have asked if we would like to spend Christmas with them this year. They have a big breed dog which is untrained, boisterous and has been known to snap/bite both dogs and people. He's only 3 but being a big breed still acts very puppy-like. He's drawn blood from my FIL multiple times.

We have said we are only comfortable visiting if the dog is muzzled or locked in a different room for the duration of our visit. PILs have refused, saying this isn't fair on the dog and they don't believe in muzzling as it's cruel. They think he's a big softie and "he's only snapped a few times, it's not like he's an aggressive dog"- their words not mine. They think it's our responsibility to keep our children away from the dog. While I don't disagree, this doesn't sound like a pleasant visit as we would constantly be hovering, especially over the youngest who isn't old enough to understand to stay away.

We've just said it doesn't sound like this set up works right now so maybe it's best left until the kids are a bit older. We are now being accused of dictating what PILs do in their own house, and blackmailing them by withholding access to their grandchildren if they refuse to 'bow to our demands'.

Are we being unreasonable? I'm not anti-dog, we have a dog but he is smaller, well trained and very quiet and soft with the kids. I have no issue locking him in the kitchen or garden if friends come round who aren't keen on dogs.

OP posts:
Original poster
GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 13:17

Thanks all. I kind of know we’re not being unreasonable but how do I respond to the accusations that we are blackmailing them with not seeing their GC?! We have said we are happy for them to come to our house or to meet up on neutral ground e.g cafe, park etc.

They want their GC to be able to go round to their house and run around and play and they don’t see the above as a suitable compromise.

OP posts:
Zempy · 05/11/2025 13:19

How do you respond? I wouldn’t bother responding to such nonsense tbh.

Just use the broken record technique “you are welcome to visit us without dog”

They will be disappointed sure, but that’s OK. Life is full of things not going your way.

thing47 · 05/11/2025 13:27

Parents get to decide what is best for their own children. Grandparents (and I am one) don't get a say. This is not blackmail, it is simply the way the world works.

I wouldn't give a monkey's what the GPs think of the various compromises you have suggested - that's what is on offer, they can pick one (or none). It's not a discussion because you get the final say on anything to do with your children.

Maray1967 · 05/11/2025 13:29

ChatBotBelly · 05/11/2025 09:35

I would say to them that they are choosing their dogs comfort over the safety of their grandchildren.

This. No way would my DC be in a house with a dog that has drawn blood. Not a chance.

Original poster
GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 13:29

And also, just to add, I think the main problem is they genuinely don’t think the dog is a risk. They’ve genuinely believe he’s a big (40kg) softie that loves climbing on your lap for cuddles….

They’ve said they could put him in the garden for an hour but if he wanted to come in they couldn’t leave him outside.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 05/11/2025 13:31

Just tell them - the dog has bitten people. End of.

But tell yourself very loudly - these are MY DC, and their safety comes FIRST.

Maray1967 · 05/11/2025 13:35

I’m going to put this bluntly in the hope that it will help you.

Stop being guilted by them. Put your DCs’ safety first. You are their parent, and as far as I’m concerned, at least, you’re right.

Practise what you’re going to say, state it clearly and say there is no discussion on this matter. I’m sure the adult family members of children savaged by ‘pet’ dogs also thought there would be no problems - until there were.

Terrribletwos · 05/11/2025 13:35

GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 13:17

Thanks all. I kind of know we’re not being unreasonable but how do I respond to the accusations that we are blackmailing them with not seeing their GC?! We have said we are happy for them to come to our house or to meet up on neutral ground e.g cafe, park etc.

They want their GC to be able to go round to their house and run around and play and they don’t see the above as a suitable compromise.

You're not "blackmailing" though ....odd use of the word from them.

What does your DH think?

Stick to your guns. It's really a no brainer not to put your children in potential harms way with a dog that has previous for biting.

outerspacepotato · 05/11/2025 13:35

I've seen young kids mauled by a dog.

No fucking way in hell would I be taking mine to somewhere there's a large, untrained aggressive dog.

That's what a so called "boisterous" dog that has bitten people and other dogs is. Aggressive. Call it what it is. Their dog is dangerous and has attacked people and dogs.

And these are the people then screaming "I didn't know" when something awful happens. They knew and chose to ignore it.

Hell no, in laws. They can't dictate you bring your small children around a large aggressive dog.

They want their GC to be able to go round to their house and run around and play

They want your little kids to act like prey around a large aggressive dog. WTF is wrong with them?

RampantIvy · 05/11/2025 13:40

Please stop trying to guilt trip us. The answer is no.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2025 13:40

Of course you’re not being unreasonable!

”Please bring your children to an unsafe situation for Christmas Day, where you won’t be able to relax/ turn your back for a moment, because of the real danger being presented by my dog, and even if you’re hovering constantly, safety isn’t guaranteed”

No thanks!

They’ve made this offer and you’ve got every right to refuse. Like others, I wouldn’t go even if they do offer to lock the dog away or muzzle him, as it seems like this won’t do the trick, and will probably crumble the second the dog whines a tiny bit on the day.

Are you willing to invite your PILs (minus dog) to yours? Then at least you won’t be accused of “withholding” grandchildren. But that said, sounds like they won’t come with a good grace and will spend the whole day talking wistfully about the “poor dog”. So I’d probably just have Christmas to yourselves.

If they push it you will have to spell it out - “your dog is dangerous and it’s our job to keep our children safe”. End of.

Maray1967 · 05/11/2025 13:41

OP, focus on your DC and what is safe for them. Never take a risk.

What DGPs want to have happen at Christmas should be far below that, in your ranking order of preferences.

Stay bright and breezy when you talk to them. If they become angry, end the call
politely. ‘I can see that you don’t understand our concerns, but it’s my job as their mother to put their safety first and the dog is not safe. Let us know if you’d like to visit us .. Must go now, bye.’ Phone down.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2025 13:42

GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 13:17

Thanks all. I kind of know we’re not being unreasonable but how do I respond to the accusations that we are blackmailing them with not seeing their GC?! We have said we are happy for them to come to our house or to meet up on neutral ground e.g cafe, park etc.

They want their GC to be able to go round to their house and run around and play and they don’t see the above as a suitable compromise.

Well they might want that but they can’t have it as there’s a dangerous dog in their house!

They have to make their choice.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 05/11/2025 14:06

Unless you've demanded they do so or you won't be going this isn't dictating or blackmail, you've been asked if you'd like to join your PIL for Christmas and have asked in return if their dog can be put out of the way due to it being young, boisterous and you're a bit concerned as it's known to be a bit snappy.

They've said no, their dog and home.

You've said that it's fine you'll give it a miss this year, they've taken umpage and are reading more into it than there actually is.

Edited to add that throughout my DC's growing up we always had dogs, 3 together at one time and it's not necessarily a good time to have dogs of any age forced into being in a room/house with young DC and all the excitement/noise that goes with it...our dogs used to like to lull off to somewhere a bit quieter for a few hours.

pinkdelight · 05/11/2025 14:12

I'd point out that they're the ones who are trying to emotionally blackmail you. You're not interested in blackmail, the bottom line is their dog and the safety of your DC are incompatible and you won't compromise on that. If they keep pushing, the only answer is tough shit. They've chosen their dog over the DC.

TorroFerney · 05/11/2025 14:30

GigglingSquiddling · 05/11/2025 13:17

Thanks all. I kind of know we’re not being unreasonable but how do I respond to the accusations that we are blackmailing them with not seeing their GC?! We have said we are happy for them to come to our house or to meet up on neutral ground e.g cafe, park etc.

They want their GC to be able to go round to their house and run around and play and they don’t see the above as a suitable compromise.

You don’t have to respond. There’s nothing you’ll say that will stop them thinking you are unreasonable so pointless trying. I know it’s really frustrating and you want to make them see you aren’t the bad guys but it’s really not worth it. It people dont want to listen or understand they won’t, no matter how eloquent or reasoned your response is.

I have sympathy as my mum favours the dog over her grandchild and we aren’t allowed in her house because of it.

DaisyChain505 · 05/11/2025 14:30

Stick to your guns.

You would never forgive yourself if you went just to try and keep the peace and then one of your children was harmed.

Leave this issue to your husband, they are his parents. He can explain that as much as you’d love to spend Christmas with them you’re not willing to spend the whole time on edge or risk your children’s safety.

Let them know that they’re welcome to yours (without the dog) or you can meet somewhere for the day out

BeeCucumber · 05/11/2025 14:31

You don’t have to respond. Don’t give them the oxygen to moan and complain. You have made your decision not to go and that is all there is to it.

TorroFerney · 05/11/2025 14:31

Maray1967 · 05/11/2025 13:35

I’m going to put this bluntly in the hope that it will help you.

Stop being guilted by them. Put your DCs’ safety first. You are their parent, and as far as I’m concerned, at least, you’re right.

Practise what you’re going to say, state it clearly and say there is no discussion on this matter. I’m sure the adult family members of children savaged by ‘pet’ dogs also thought there would be no problems - until there were.

Agree, you are getting hung up on making them see sense or what their response may be. It doesn’t matter.

FreshAirNow · 05/11/2025 14:34

no way

Rubes24 · 05/11/2025 14:38

You are not being unreasonable. I would not be taking my young children anywhere near a large, untrained dog. Stick to your guns on this one! You have suggested some totally reasonable compromises in my view- even if the dog is shut in another room/ part of the house, PIL can come in and out and the dog can be walked etc.

L0bstersLass · 05/11/2025 14:59

ChatBotBelly · 05/11/2025 09:35

I would say to them that they are choosing their dogs comfort over the safety of their grandchildren.

This is spot on.

TheatricalLife · 05/11/2025 15:16

Don't engage with any silly dramatics. They know they can see their grandchildren if they want. It's actually them trying to guilt trip you into coming rather than the othe way around.
Just give bland answers like 'sorry you feel that way, you are welcome to come here' and then don't respond to anything but a sensible answer. I wouldn't get into a to and fro about the dog; it's clear they won't see sense so it's a total waste of time. You are absolutely in the right and nobody with half a brain would think differently.

Hatty65 · 05/11/2025 15:25

I wouldn't engage in any dramatics. I'd simply say, 'Well that's our decision. We're not happy with how big and boisterous the dog is, and it's our responsibility to ensure our children are safe'.

Any comments about 'blackmailing them' or keeping the GC away I'd say sharply, 'Janet, if you are going to make dramatic and silly remarks like that then you are definitely risking alienating us and ensuring that we choose not to spend time with you. You've chosen to prioritise your dog over your GC and that's on you'.

If she argued back I'd just say, 'I'm not engaging with you any longer' and put the phone down or say, 'I'm leaving now' and go. I would cut right back on contact. They can only make silly accusations if you listen, and I wouldn't give a shit what stories they were telling to other people.

Terrribletwos · 05/11/2025 15:29

Hatty65 · 05/11/2025 15:25

I wouldn't engage in any dramatics. I'd simply say, 'Well that's our decision. We're not happy with how big and boisterous the dog is, and it's our responsibility to ensure our children are safe'.

Any comments about 'blackmailing them' or keeping the GC away I'd say sharply, 'Janet, if you are going to make dramatic and silly remarks like that then you are definitely risking alienating us and ensuring that we choose not to spend time with you. You've chosen to prioritise your dog over your GC and that's on you'.

If she argued back I'd just say, 'I'm not engaging with you any longer' and put the phone down or say, 'I'm leaving now' and go. I would cut right back on contact. They can only make silly accusations if you listen, and I wouldn't give a shit what stories they were telling to other people.

Good comment.

And I would leave up to husband to respond with above.