DH always complaining about or wiggling out of taking DD to her swimming lessons

[Jensagi]

DH and I have 2 Dads, DD1 is 4 and in reception, DD2 is 2. I work 3 days a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I do the majority of school/nursery runs. DH works full time, from the office Monday-Thursday and generally from home on Fridays. He gets an early finish on Fridays so picks DD up from school then gets DD from nursery.
Currently DD1 does 3 activities, swimming, ballet and tennis, she loves tennis and was begging to go more so she goes both on a Tuesday and Thursday. Swimming on a Wednesday and Ballet on Saturday mornings. I know this might seem like too much to some but she really enjoys it and even now half a term into reception doesn’t seem too tried by it.
The deal DH and I had was I’d do tennis and ballet runs, he’d do the swimming run. Swimming is at 6pm, he finishes at 4.30 and generally it takes him 45 minutes or so to get home, with 15-20 minute drive to swimming it is a tight turn around especially with traffic. I make sure DD is ready to go so he can arrive home, pop DD in the car and go. They don’t need to arrive too early as I put DD’s swimming stuff on under clothes. I feed the girls as soon as we all get home on Wednesdays around 5. I have DDs bath run for them getting home so he doesn’t need to do any of the prep before swimming or sort her much after.
Anyway DH seems to have got into a habit of conveniently booking work dinners for Wednesday nights, or if he can’t coming home and complaining about taking DD. He is effectively the client in the work dinners so does get quite a lot of say over when they are, and before DD started school they were more often on Mondays than any other day.
He has again this week booked a dinner for tomorrow and it frustrates me so much! I find it much harder to take DD to swimming with DD2, the kids play area at our gym closes at 6 so during the lesson DD2 is quite agitated and wants to run around but can’t. Also just getting DD1 dried etc, not to mention it messing up the bedtime routine as I haven’t even run the bath by the time we get home around 6.50, so have to run the bath, bathe both girls, do stories/milk/bedtime. Then DH just swans in at 9/10pm no stress in the world.
I understand it might sometimes be inevitable that he has to work late or go to a dinner on Wednesdays but I think it being more or less every other week is taking the piss a bit.
DH hides behind it being work, but I know he does have some control over the day of the week these are.
I’ve suggested we move DDs swimming to a Friday after school, they could go straight from school 4-4.30, DD2 could stay in nursery until I could pick her up at 4.30, but he doesn’t want this as he likes their “daddy daughter time” on Friday afternoons where he gets both girls and takes them for a treat, I’m fine with this but I feel like it has to be one or the other as too much of the hobby runs fall on me otherwise.

AIBU?

Tell he either makes Wednesdays happen or it moves to Friday or she quits swimming.

He’s taking the piss, he needs to step up and do some parenting. No one likes swimming lessons, but they are necessary.

Put the statistics for child deaths by drowning in front of him

swimming is not just for fun / exercise - it’s a vital life skill !

if it’s the type of lessons where they are not actually learning to swim yet, I could cancel and rebook at the age that it is proper swimming lessons

YANBU

Hes being a prick
Your DD isnt getting to swimming
Or you get lumbered with it
Hes not fulfilling his end of the bargain.

Hes being a prick

I don’t think quitting is an option, and he agrees. In our opinion swimming is an essential skill as much as it is a fun hobby. We do lots of pool and beach holidays so I think DD being a strong swimmer is essential. He is usually a great dad but he is really pissing me off by dodging swimming when it’s the only activity he is responsible for.

Sorry but if you work 3 days and he works FT, do swimming on a day you have off and go straight from school. Onesie on straight after swimming and throw both kids in the bath at normal time for bed.

Yes swimming is non negotiable but you don't work full time. He does. If you are supposed to be facilitating his career by going part time then you have to understand that BD activities necessary to further that career are also important.

No one I know does BD on a Monday. It's all Wednesday and Thursday nights as they are the day most people are in the office. Monday and Fridays are usually the WFH days in most places.

I pulled a pre-teen kid out of the water on holiday - they had gone under and could not swim - it was terrifying

really call him out for being the prick he is - say no more beach holidays and that’s on him !!

Either he does Wednesdays or it gets moved to Fridays. It's his choice.

Having said that, I can see it's a tight turnaround and could accept that some weeks it didn't happen, but not every week. It's unfair on you and your DD.

We don’t have a suitable option on the days I don’t work, plus Tuesday and Thursday are the tennis days.
Also until DD started school most of his business dinners were Mondays, like I said he has quite a lot of control over these and can effectively refuse a day he doesn’t like as he is the client. I don’t really care whether he does swimming on Wednesday or Friday, or what day of the week he has his work dinners on as long as he keeps up with the commitments he made to our family too.
I take DD2 to toddler swimming, ballet and DD1 to both of her tennis lessons and ballet so I’d say asking him to do 1 out of 6 activities isn’t unfair, I also work so while I appreciate by working less hours more of the hobby runs will be my responsibility I’m not sure why it should be all of them?

I agree he makes Wednesdays happen it you change them to Fridays. Tell him that's a win win. He can take both girls to swimming!

tell him you're not stupid, you know he can (largely) choose the days these dinners are happening & you're fed up of him doing this. That being a good Dad isn't about taking them out for Friday afternoon treats, but pulling his weight parenting. That you've had enough if him cherry living the easy bits.

& if he doesn't want to be a single Dad doing 50/50 he needs to get his shit together as of now!!

Personally I would move it to the Friday, if he finishes early on this day there is less chance of him having 'work dinners'.

I would also consider what you are going to do when DD2 wants to do clubs. At the moment you are running around a lot after DD1, will you be giving DD2 the same opportunities and how will this work if there are clashes with clubs the same days?

Yes I fully accept that there will be some weeks he can’t avoid working late, or where there is an issue with the tube/trains and he isn’t home on time and I don’t mind doing it then but since DD started her swimming lessons I have taken her to half of them with DD2 in tow. He also only tends to tell me the day before or the morning off and by then our parents are typically busy so can’t ask someone to come and watch DD2 while I take DD1, even though I’m sure he has at least some of these dinners in his diary weeks before.

Swimming has to be the worse extra curricular activity there is but it’s necessary. I agree the class gets changed to a different day. You can still take her on Fridays if he won’t but he can watch your younger daughter and get the bath ready for afterwards if necessary.

I’d recommend getting a swim robe or similar so swimming consists of turning up completely ready and not getting dried or changed afterwards until at home.

We have thought about what happens when DD starts clubs but what we have noticed when looking at the timings is that as children get older the clubs get later which will make it easier as DH will be finished work too. Right now it’s tough as so many clubs are at 4pm which we can’t do on days we are both working. We do also have our parents relatively local for support but they would need prior notice.

I think you are doing too much for a 4 year old. I would pick 1 activity and then switch for next term. It just seems all too unmanageable to me (I have a reception age child and they do 1 activity on a weekend morning that’s it. I think people are mad to do tons and then not cope)

Tell dh one more chance and your moving swimming to Friday.

I would say ok you can't do swimming this week so you are doing tennis on Thursday this week. Or he does sat morning instead. Make him pay it back in some way. Not just ditch his responsibilities.

So when do you get to have a nice mummy daughter time, when you take the girls for a fun relaxing treat?

Seems like you do all of the “work” of parenting, whereas he just shows up on a Friday afternoon for a treat.

I would struggle to respect a man who wasn’t willing to make the effort to take his daughter to one class per week. A lot of dads would cherish that opportunity. He is actively avoiding it. I’m going to bet that you do all of the housework and life admin too?

What is it that he doesn’t like about this? Have you asked him why he is deliberately making other plans on the one evening he has responsibilities? There’s a reason he doesn’t want to do the swimming class and he needs to converse with you about it. Parenting isn’t a part time job.

Its almost like you didn't read the post but came at this with your own agenda 🤷‍♀️

I only work term time so I do get lots of special time with the girls when I’m off. When he complains about it he claims it makes him feel awkward as the other parents are all mums and that he is too tired to do it after a long day at work (conveniently not too tired to go out for dinner though or to go out for work drinks nearly every Thursday after the same length of work day!)

Too many activities IMHO

I think it sounds tricky for everyone at that time. Can you move swimming to the weekend? Rushing home from work straight into swimming isn’t ideal but obviously he needs to do his fair share of all this running around.

My kids are older now - 9/12 and one or both of them has something every single night. It’s exhausting and neither of us think we get the better deal… mostly because there is no better deal. So all this will get more complicated if you keep these things up so you need to have a serious conversation with him.

Im with him this schedule sounds insane

Even if we got rid of say tennis (which would break DDs heart), our gym doesn’t have lessons for DDs age on at better times on the days I don’t work. DDs age is only available Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday afternoon. We don’t do Saturday afternoons as we tend to find there are so many birthday parties, family lunches, activities we want to take the kids to etc. on at the same time.
Getting rid of tennis would just upset DD and not actually help as tennis works really well for us right now (the kids play area is still open at the gym so I can just take DD2 to play there while DD1 has her lessons).
I know not everyone agrees with this but I built a career out of a childhood hobby I loved, I know my children probably won’t do the same but I’m so grateful my parents supported me with my hobbies.
I don’t mind having busy nights, I do just want DH to pull his weight.

The Wednesday isn’t working. Best case scenario is it’s a stressful tight turn around, worst case is that it doesn’t happen at all because these dinners, which probably are always going to have to be mid week because that’s when people are in the office. Tennis twice a week at such a young age is way OTT. Do it once and then you can use the other day for swimming and it all becomes a lot easier. Ridiculous to create stress and arguments because a 4YO has to have 2 tennis lessons a week on top of swimming and swimming.