DH always complaining about or wiggling out of taking DD to her swimming lessons

[Jensagi]

DH and I have 2 Dads, DD1 is 4 and in reception, DD2 is 2. I work 3 days a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I do the majority of school/nursery runs. DH works full time, from the office Monday-Thursday and generally from home on Fridays. He gets an early finish on Fridays so picks DD up from school then gets DD from nursery.
Currently DD1 does 3 activities, swimming, ballet and tennis, she loves tennis and was begging to go more so she goes both on a Tuesday and Thursday. Swimming on a Wednesday and Ballet on Saturday mornings. I know this might seem like too much to some but she really enjoys it and even now half a term into reception doesn’t seem too tried by it.
The deal DH and I had was I’d do tennis and ballet runs, he’d do the swimming run. Swimming is at 6pm, he finishes at 4.30 and generally it takes him 45 minutes or so to get home, with 15-20 minute drive to swimming it is a tight turn around especially with traffic. I make sure DD is ready to go so he can arrive home, pop DD in the car and go. They don’t need to arrive too early as I put DD’s swimming stuff on under clothes. I feed the girls as soon as we all get home on Wednesdays around 5. I have DDs bath run for them getting home so he doesn’t need to do any of the prep before swimming or sort her much after.
Anyway DH seems to have got into a habit of conveniently booking work dinners for Wednesday nights, or if he can’t coming home and complaining about taking DD. He is effectively the client in the work dinners so does get quite a lot of say over when they are, and before DD started school they were more often on Mondays than any other day.
He has again this week booked a dinner for tomorrow and it frustrates me so much! I find it much harder to take DD to swimming with DD2, the kids play area at our gym closes at 6 so during the lesson DD2 is quite agitated and wants to run around but can’t. Also just getting DD1 dried etc, not to mention it messing up the bedtime routine as I haven’t even run the bath by the time we get home around 6.50, so have to run the bath, bathe both girls, do stories/milk/bedtime. Then DH just swans in at 9/10pm no stress in the world.
I understand it might sometimes be inevitable that he has to work late or go to a dinner on Wednesdays but I think it being more or less every other week is taking the piss a bit.
DH hides behind it being work, but I know he does have some control over the day of the week these are.
I’ve suggested we move DDs swimming to a Friday after school, they could go straight from school 4-4.30, DD2 could stay in nursery until I could pick her up at 4.30, but he doesn’t want this as he likes their “daddy daughter time” on Friday afternoons where he gets both girls and takes them for a treat, I’m fine with this but I feel like it has to be one or the other as too much of the hobby runs fall on me otherwise.

AIBU?

I would tell him special dad time includes actual parenting and if there’s another cancel in the next 3 months you will move it to Friday as it’s his one parent iob. And if he feels awkward parenting he needs to practice it more. I have zero tolerance for lazy selfish fathers who think parenting is a mums job.

I think this too op.

At that age she really doesn't need that much; it's just as important - or more - that she has unstructured play time as that she is doing all those activities.

Fair enough if you want to keep the two swimming sessions but then drop something else. If it's putting stress on the family to the extent you are having a tussle about managing it all, it's far better not to load the timetable. Just chill a bit with it. Too much timetabling isn't good for children - especially when their parents are feeling the strain.

Would it work for you to take your eldest swimming and he stay home with the youngest? Would that make him less likely to bail out?

I think this is one of those situations where different parents will have different opinions and different children will want/need different things and there is no one generic answer.
DD gets loads of unstructured playtime and if we ever felt like the activities were too much for her then we’d adapt. However I see a lot of merit in kids being involved in structured physical activity, in terms of building healthy habits, improving gross motor skills, problem solving, confidence etc.
I’m not saying it is right for everyone or that we have mastered parenting but simply this is our personal philosophy.
I also don’t really believe in chopping and changing activities every term unless it’s a case of the child not enjoying the activity. I think it’s a real confidence builder to notice yourself progressing in something and more so DD really enjoys all her activities, we would never make her go if she didn’t want to (well with swimming we would but not tennis or ballet).
The only reason we are having an issue with swimming is because DH doesn’t want to pull his weight with parenting, it’s not anything to do with DD being over scheduled.
I do appreciate that some families prefer less activities and some children need more downtime so like I said I’m not saying our way is the only right way, I just don’t think it has to be one or the other, every family should do what they think is best for their children and set up.

I have offered this, he said he’d think about it. I don’t think he’s keen as while he takes DD1 swimming I bathe DD2 and clean up from the girls dinner and I think he just wants to sit on his arse.

He either does Wednesday swimming or Tuesday and Thursday tennis

Or move it to a friday

It just sounds a bit intense. Dropping some activities would solve your issue. There’s years and years of activities ahead of you and both your kids

Well it's worth bearing in mind.

The figure I see a lot is three hours free play each day. That's hard to achieve with school, commutes, bath-time, suppertime, activity.

Exactly. I think some parents are afraid of not having their children's time occupied with activities. When does your 4 year old has the time to just have unstructured play? I do think this is ott for such a young child. Well, for any child really. Does she have adhd and needs to be moving non-stop?

I’d argue it’s really difficult for most children to get 3 hours free play outside of school hours every day. If it weren’t for my favourably work hours DD could easily be in after school club which at least at our school has some element of structure to it until 5/6. I am not someone that’s inclined to focus on exact metrics on a daily basis as I don’t think it’s helpful, I feel like if my DDs are getting lots of structure free time on the weekends, school holidays, at least some time most evenings etc. then over the course of time it all adds up. I’d be keen to see any studies though which recommend 3 hours as I’d love to know why that is the cut off, from my unknowing perspective it feels a tad arbitrary.

For me this is a conversation to have with your husband, if he doesn’t want to take her or commit around work and you also can’t do it or don’t want to do it on top of the other clubs then the simple answer is that swimming lessons get cancelled.

He may pay lip service in agreeing with you about these clubs and swimming being essential etc etc but his actions tell the truth- he doesn’t want to do it, you can’t force him, and a 4 year old honestly does not need hobbies 4 days a week anyway.

If you think swimming is important and don’t want her to miss out then you’ll have to take it on.

You need more family time

To play and chill out

I guess I don’t view it as really being that much time. School at her age still has a lot of free play time, weekends lean unstructured and it adds up to about 3.5 hours of activities a week, all of which DD loves. She doesn’t have adhd that we know of but I think it’s possible for neurotypical children to also just enjoy being active. It’s a child by child thing. I’d understand this more if we were forcing her, she was permanently exhausted or she didn’t enjoy it. DD is full of beans and still has plenty of energy even after the activities so I think it’s right for us. Obviously everyone is entitled to parent differently and I don’t think this is one of those parenting decisions where choosing differently makes you a bad parent or a worse parent than someone who does less/more than you do. We all know our children, their needs and their abilities best.

I think you options are clear tbh he makes Wednesdays happen or you are switching to Fridays.

I do 99% of children’s hobby running around in our household - swimming lessons are the worst kids activity. The baths, early dinner, changing, kit drying etc just makes it worse, so he has it easy not doing those bits. That said I think a 6pm swimming lesson for a reception child is insane and having to take a two year old along even worse. I’d just tell him it’s moving to Fridays at a sensible hour and he can take them both, then take both for a treat before or after.

Ignore the posters saying it’s too much - it’s obviously not it she’s happy and not exhausted. My DC is a very extrovert child who likes to be busy and even when doing a different activity every day of the week wanted to start an eighth and ninth. Plus it’s swimming ie a physical activity with a fair amount of fun involved, it’s not maths tutoring! For an awful lot of kids I suspect that “three hours unstructured time” involves screens, I’d say swimming and ballet and birthday parties are all better uses of her time than that.

Ironically when I suggested we cancel another activity DH said no, DD really enjoys them etc.
We have spoke about it more tonight and he’s going to call his mum to see if she will be able to have DD2 while I take DD1 this week and potentially as a more permanent set up.

The thing is OP there’s a lot of “this is right for US”, but it’s not, is it? It’s not right for your family because you’re having to post here for advice on tips and tricks to force your husband to take her to one of these activities having outlined that it’s a busy day of work, a quick turn around etc.

The very fact you’re even on here at all tonight questioning this means this doesn’t work for your family at all.

I was more responding to the “it’s too much for a child, she needs more free play” in terms of its right for DD. The only person who isn’t a fan is DH, but frankly it could be just swimming and he still wouldn’t want to take DD which I think is the core issue. Plenty of parents work full time and still manage their children’s activities.
Anyway we have 2 options sorted if DH has to work his mum has replied and said she will come over and stay with DD2 and give DD2 her bath, if DH doesn’t have to work I’ll take DD1 swimming and he will stay with DD2.
All’s well that ends well.

@Jensagi

Why don't you do swimming on a Saturday morning at the local communal pool? My eldest son starts his lesson at 8:15 am.

@ other people

Why do so many posters think that swimming is the worst activity for a parent? It seems pretty simple to me. We drive to the pool, my son has his lesson, he gets changed and we go home. It's almost zero effort.

We get discounted swimming lessons through our gym membership and the ratio is better than at our local pool. Not to mention our local pool has a wait list that is massive.
Maybe a little easier if you have a boy but I think with DD it’s a combination of getting dried/changed and she has curly hair that takes a while to dry and needs to be washed and combed properly or it dries frizzy that makes it more annoying than say tennis where we can just put her hair in a ponytail and off she goes.

So he's swerving swimming on most Wednesdays to go for works dinner and swerving family life on a Thursday to go for drinks for many hours.

You do all other clubs.

Please tell me he has your youngest DD while you take oldest to clubs?

When is your time?

He needs to move swimming to a Friday and if he's not looking after DD2 on other nights he needs to start.

I did years of picking up DC from ASC and straight to swimming, showered, cook dinner, homework bed. Yes he works full time, but he comes home and sure his dinner is waiting and he doesn’t need to do much else. Typical he’s got a woman (his mother) stepping in to save him from such hardships.

He has DD2 while I take DD1 to ballet but not for tennis as he is still at work during tennis lessons, however I don’t mind this as much as DD2 loves playing in the play area and play park at the gym where DD1s lessons are so it doesn’t feel as bad.
He does have the girls anytime I want to go out with friends and is generally a good dad, I don’t resent the work drinks on a Thursday as long as he actually pulls his weight on other days as I get that it’s part of his office culture, and a good opportunity for him to spend time with friends and have some fun.

So your DH has offloaded his parenting responsibilities onto you OP and his mother, while he spends his time wining and dining.

Some men are just so predictable aren’t they?

”If I become unreliable at this parenting task for long enough, the women in my life will do it so I don’t have to and I can just enjoy my free time.”

I guess all pools are different, but the beauty of an early morning lesson is that plenty of people do miss lessons. My son has sometimes had one-to-one lessons and it's usually no more than four kids.

Are your discounted lessons actually any cheaper than the public pool's standard pricing?

I'd make enquiries for the first lesson of the day on Saturdays.

With regards to your current set-up, why are you messing around with your daughter's hair if you're just going to put her straight in the bath at home? Why does she need a bath that night? Just skip it.

I can see why your husband can't be bothered with rushing home, not even getting his foot in the door and then having to turn around and take your daughter swimming. Has he even had a chance to eat, take a dump, etc?