DH always complaining about or wiggling out of taking DD to her swimming lessons

[Jensagi]

DH and I have 2 Dads, DD1 is 4 and in reception, DD2 is 2. I work 3 days a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I do the majority of school/nursery runs. DH works full time, from the office Monday-Thursday and generally from home on Fridays. He gets an early finish on Fridays so picks DD up from school then gets DD from nursery.
Currently DD1 does 3 activities, swimming, ballet and tennis, she loves tennis and was begging to go more so she goes both on a Tuesday and Thursday. Swimming on a Wednesday and Ballet on Saturday mornings. I know this might seem like too much to some but she really enjoys it and even now half a term into reception doesn’t seem too tried by it.
The deal DH and I had was I’d do tennis and ballet runs, he’d do the swimming run. Swimming is at 6pm, he finishes at 4.30 and generally it takes him 45 minutes or so to get home, with 15-20 minute drive to swimming it is a tight turn around especially with traffic. I make sure DD is ready to go so he can arrive home, pop DD in the car and go. They don’t need to arrive too early as I put DD’s swimming stuff on under clothes. I feed the girls as soon as we all get home on Wednesdays around 5. I have DDs bath run for them getting home so he doesn’t need to do any of the prep before swimming or sort her much after.
Anyway DH seems to have got into a habit of conveniently booking work dinners for Wednesday nights, or if he can’t coming home and complaining about taking DD. He is effectively the client in the work dinners so does get quite a lot of say over when they are, and before DD started school they were more often on Mondays than any other day.
He has again this week booked a dinner for tomorrow and it frustrates me so much! I find it much harder to take DD to swimming with DD2, the kids play area at our gym closes at 6 so during the lesson DD2 is quite agitated and wants to run around but can’t. Also just getting DD1 dried etc, not to mention it messing up the bedtime routine as I haven’t even run the bath by the time we get home around 6.50, so have to run the bath, bathe both girls, do stories/milk/bedtime. Then DH just swans in at 9/10pm no stress in the world.
I understand it might sometimes be inevitable that he has to work late or go to a dinner on Wednesdays but I think it being more or less every other week is taking the piss a bit.
DH hides behind it being work, but I know he does have some control over the day of the week these are.
I’ve suggested we move DDs swimming to a Friday after school, they could go straight from school 4-4.30, DD2 could stay in nursery until I could pick her up at 4.30, but he doesn’t want this as he likes their “daddy daughter time” on Friday afternoons where he gets both girls and takes them for a treat, I’m fine with this but I feel like it has to be one or the other as too much of the hobby runs fall on me otherwise.

AIBU?

I'm willing to bet OP works a lot more hours than her DH.
If he can't manage swimming once a week with just one child, I doubt he's managing much of the laundry, cleaning, cooking, food planning and shopping and all the rest of the mental load we all know so well.

I also doubt she gets to go out for dinner very often.

You need to have it out with him OP. And if all else fails, I'd make the new deal that he has to take both DDs with him to swimming as you need to go out for "insert preferred activity" and it makes wonderful sense to do it while they're all at swimming.

We are a family who do loads of extracurriculars as well. At that age we managed it by doing 2 clubs after school that needed ferrying (I did both as I work very pt, with younger dc in tow) and 3 other clubs after school which were run by the school, so no ferrying and a slightly longer school day for dc1, but not too tiring. I wouldn't have done 4 activities after school that needed transporting, it was hard enough with just those 2 clubs and it was because they offered a particularly good programme.

We do swimming early on a weekend morning rather than after school, but that's partly due to the distance to our pool which means it would be too tiring after school. I have never minded doing it though and don't consider it the worst activity (I find music school much worse, with instrument lesson, orchestra and musicianship crammed into one evening!).

Busy families around here often use nannies to ferry to clubs, which is pricey but takes away a lot of the stress and it makes sense for dual working parents.

For me, it’s worst because I have to rush home after school, get child to eat snack in speedy fashion, get child fully undressed and into costume with clothes on top, remember a bunch of bits of kit like goggles, drive to pool, get child stripped, sit cheek by jowl in an overheated, overcrowded and very noisy viewing area surrounded by other people’s annoying noisy toddlers and phone conversations, watch the utter tedium of front crawl widths with a float for thirty minutes, then collect dripping child, queue for grotty shower surrounded again by other people’s annoying toddlers, attempt to get my child’s hair washed in grotty shower, put clothes on damp child, drive home, dry hair, wash and dry kit and make a late dinner with hangry child.

Cubs, chess club etc are great as the child only changes clothing once, stays dry, there’s no hair fussing or wet kit to wash and, best of all, I can drop and go or wait in the car. Swimming I’m required by the club to stay in the viewing area of the pool for the entire lesson until my child is at least secondary school age. Even team sports where I also have to stay at least a football match is more interesting than swimming to watch.

I will grant you it’s better now with a KS2 age child that can do some bits themselves than when they were age 4 and still needed help even to get their costume on.

They work out about the same price. As for DDs hair we need to wash it after swimming, like I said she has quite curly hair that takes a while to dry so it makes sense to wash it while it’s already wet, not mention the chlorine leaves a scent DD doesn’t really like and makes it feel quite dry and frizzy. DH doesn’t have to deal with her hair though, he just has to pop her in the car and bring her home and I sort her hair. Early morning also just wouldn’t be ideal as we have a family meal every Friday night and DD tends to stay up quite late and doesn’t wake up until 9 or so on Saturdays which leaves just enough time to get her ready and out the door to ballet, not to mention the wet hair I mentioned above. I think it might be easier if your child has short hair or hair that dries quickly to pick different swimming times.
In general DH gets home at about 5.20 on the Wednesday and doesn’t need to leave until 5.40 so he has time to get changed etc.
DH and I tend to eat together alone on a Wednesday once the girls have gone to bed if he isn’t out for dinner (we do family meals every other day of the week) so eating isn’t something he’d do in that time anyway.

Just read your update OP.

So he gets two women to step up and do the job he had promised to do, instead of getting on with it himself.

TWO women inconvenienced so that he can go and wine and dine.

Can you imagine this if genders were reversed?

Sorry but it makes my blood boil.

I think it's a mistake not to pull him up on this OP. You're teaching him that not only can he wriggle out of responsibilities, but his mummy and wife will run to help him do so. Expect to see this happening on repeat if you don't challenge it now.

He knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t want to do the swimming so he covers it up with ‘work’ knowing you will pick up the slack and ‘work’ is a more valid excuse.

tell him he starts doing it or you move the day.

im so sick of men picking and choosing when they want to parent.

This. Say 'if we end up with any more Wednesday dinner clashes then I'm just going to move swimming to Fridays'. Will be interesting to see what happens after that.

He's showing you he's another lazy selfish avoidant father.

Such a mistake to reduce hours because it allows him to create this dynamic, become unreliable so you can't depend on him, and basically behave like another child rather than a partner sharing the load.

It will get worse not better.
The more you allow him to sit on his arse the more entitled he will become.

Stop the lessons and put it completely on him.
The alternative is you end up run ragged.

Look at going back to work full-time.
Working part-time benefits him primarily, and gives him the excuse to be a father who does the least amount possible using work as an excuse.

Women who work part-time end up working many many more hours compensating for lazy selfish husbands.

I know of several women who returned to work full-time as a result.

Move it to friday. Dont allow his deliberate unreliability to win.
Resentment kills marriages.

I used to find swimming very stressful. It was the getting them ready in time, the screaming that i hadn't put the swimming hat on right, them needing the toilet half way through, not doing what they were meant to, running around on wet surfaces. All in a boiling hot environment. I found it too much in the end. Tennis is a doddle in comparison. Why don't you swap and change the times?

On the hair smelling of chlorine the trick is to rinse it in the shower before she gets in the pool, it stops it absorbing the chlorinated water so much.

if he can’t do Wednesday he picks up tennis or ballet that week.

Agree. Drop tennis or ballet. A four year old child doesn’t need to be booked every day.

I would rather scratch my own eyes out than take the kids swimming the end of a working day/commute.

Ooh cunning!

Op I'm not sure if you are really interested in the studies on plenty of playtime or if that was just an attempt to bat away the issue. Mine are a little older now, but from memory Professor Robert Winston kicked it off and then others delved into it, if you are interested.

So dh gets out of taking swimming either way then

He can swap swimming for ballet on the weeks he has to go out for work dinner.

It sounds like you are happy with the result OP.

However I would still be having discussions with DH about him doing actual parenting not disney dadding. You don't get that option so why does he? He is being really unfair on you and if he really can't manage Wednesdays he needs to take over some of the other actual parenting. I would make it clear that he needs to step up and stop arranging his life so he can be on easy street. Ask him point blank what kind of life your joint DDs would have if you did the same?

Find it boggling this wee youngster has so many activities after school and only 4. Our 4 year old wouldn't even know what begging is lol not sure the 5 would either tbf ..our olders weren't enrolled in swimming till slightly older and never had a bath after swimming was home to supper and bed

I'm sorry but the more I read the op, the more it makes me wonder why your DH is putting up with this nonsense. He's works a full time job.

All these activities for two tiny children? Tennis? Ballet?

Swimming, yes, absolutely but the rest?

Just cancel them.

But none of this shit is actually necessary is it, bar the swimming? He can parent without driving the kids around to ballet.

The op has decided the kids needed to do all these activities (because she only works 3 days a week).

It's unnecessary and excessive.

I’m genuinely interested to know why so few people see merit in children taking part in activities. Around here both the ballet and tennis lessons having waiting lists so clearly other parents see merit it in too.
You don’t have to do the same with your children, I’d never suggest someone choosing differently from me was nonsense. I think in a time where there is a huge focus on health and wellbeing it is a positive for children to engage with physical activity, meet new friends from outside of school and learn a whole host of skills that participating in the arts and sports teach. You can disagree, but so long as my DD is happy that is all that matters to me. Also DH is pro-activities, he’s just not pro taking his children to them, when I suggested cancelling one he said no DD loves them!

obviously you do what works best for your family and your child but it’s really unfair to say someone making a different choice from you is nonsense. Unless what a parent is doing is actively neglectful or abusive there is no need to pass judgement on someone else’s choices.
If I had asked AIBU to have DD in x amount of activities you would have every right to comment your opinion but that wasn’t the question asked.

it vibes a bit trying to hard thats why. Like you think its what old money people do and it will give your daughter a leg up

I don’t think that at all, DD tried gymnastics and tots tae kwon do before ballet, ballet is just the one she has loved and wanted to stick with. Also I’m just following in the footsteps of my own parents and DHs parents, as both DH and I were in a couple of hobbies as children and like I said I turned one of those into a career so I couldn’t be more grateful for my parents support with that.

She says in an update that she has suggested dropping things and that DH is against it. So if he is in favour of all these activities he needs to pull his weight.

Well while that's great he has found a solution, he is still opting out on parenting! I actually think this is quite cheeky, and as I already mentioned you have a second child, what age did your first start doing all these extra clubs? As soon you will find she will want to do things like her sister. You say the timings will work better as the first child gets older, but if you have two children doing tennis, swimming and dance classes at different times you are going to be struggling doing this solo. It sounds like DH is happy for the kids to do things as long as he doesn't have to get involved, and this will only increase your workload when you are taking both kids to different clubs while he goes for dinner.