To only fly home to events we are both invited to?

[thenewimmigrant]

Hello,

We (couple in our 20s) are lucky enough to be moving overseas for work next year. We have been together a couple of years, and recently started living together. We are really excited about this next step!

We have already had invitations/save the dates for various events in the UK happening after we’ve gone, such as weddings and honestly for the first 6 months post move there is something every 3-4 weeks. Many of these invitations are just to one of us. We love our friends and family and know their life events are important but aibu if we say we will only fly home (the flight is a couple of hours) to events we are both invited to?

if IANBU, do we tell friends this is the line we’ve drawn? Otherwise it might seem like we are favouring some friends over others (for example, two of my school friends are marrying next summer. One has invited just me, one has invited us both. If I took this stance, we would only fly to the U.K. for the second one. If you were the first friend, would you rather I was honest with you as to why?).

This isn’t meant to be a criticism of people who don’t give guests plus 1s - we are in the early early stages of planning our own and so appreciate how expensive this all is! Just interested to know what others would do in this situation. Thanks

YANBU

Id decline the invites that are for one person with the reasoning you are moving away and wont be available to travel back; have a fabulous time.

You're not asking for an invite for a +1, youre simply informing people you wont be attending. As soon as you move, people will know your availability will be massively reduced.

Good luck with the move!

I' d go to events i wanted to go to & decline ones I didn't

I'm still an individual capable of travelling & attending events on my own.

its a daft 'rule' IMO.

EDIT: but I wish you well for this next exciting stage of your life's adventure!

This.
Perfectly acceptable to decline without explanation.
You are abroad, it's not difficult to understand.
Great way to avoid things.

I think you'd be being ridiculous to broadcast this 'rule'. You're obviously entitled to refuse invitations to any event you can't or don't want to attend, but you've only been a couple for two years -- there will be loads of people in both of your lives who know and love one of you but barely know the other half of the couple. Just refuse invitations on the grounds of not being able to make it to everything from your new location, rather than because your boyfriend isn't invited.

And, being brutally honest (as someone who has moved around a lot internationally with and without DH), if you've only just moved in together and are soon to move overseas together, I wouldn't be too quick to turn down invitations because they don't include your boyfriend, because it's not inconceivable you might have broken up by the time of these weddings or other events. I hope that doesn't happen, but it's not outside the realms of possibility that you're refusing invitations because of someone who might be a memory by the time of the event.

@HumoursofBandon has nailed it. It's a daft rule.

Go back if you want to go back. If you happen to want to both go back as you've both been invited - brilliant. If he wants to go back to something on his own - great.

But you need to have room in your finances for you both to do things separately that you value and both realised that will mean choices. That is that some of the things both of you have been invited to only one of you might go as a dearer and closer friend has invited - one or both of you - to something else.

For example - It woudl be daft to miss your best friend's wedding who can only afford to invite one of you because a relatively new aquaintance has the budget to invite you both.

I'd think it was perfectly reasonable for you not to be able to make every event when you're stuck overseas but I'd think you were a bit pathetic if a grown woman couldn't get on a flight on their own.

You are being wildly unreasonable-you’re still individual people.

No ring no bring 😂

I think YABU. Go to what you want to go to. Not what your partner is invited to. If things go wrong, you’ll have a vastly reduced social circle.

My DS got married in August and there were strictly no plus ones (space constraints).

It was great, because everyone there wanted to be there. No reluctant plus one dragging their 'partner' away early because they were bored and didn't know anyone.

YABU. You don’t need to tell anyone about any lines you’ve drawn you just accept or decline invitations when they come in.
Why can’t you both just go to events where only one of you is invited?

I'd have no issue with being choosy about what I was willing to travel for, but I wouldn't use that rule personally. I have no issue travelling by myself and I think it's healthy to have different groups of friends/attend different events to my partner.

Plus, what's to stop them saying 'ok well you can both come then'. Then what will you do?

You really don't need a rule. Just go to the stuff you want to go to and don't go to the stuff you don't,

I think YABU. If you don’t want to go to everything you’ve been invited to then that’s fine but just accept the ones you want to go to. Otherwise you could end up prioritising someone you went to school with and haven’t seen for a decade over a very close family member.

Just look at each invite individually and respond accordingly. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you are incapable of doing things separately.

Thank you for the thoughts - for context as people are assuming we are heterosexual we are both women. We have also just got engaged (hence understanding that you can’t invite everyone) so zero concerns about a boyfriend not being around by the time of these events next year! Apologies I didn’t realise exact timings would be relevant but by ‘recently’ I mean we’ve lived together since the start of the year and have both lived abroad before so going into that aspect knowing what to expect.

In an ideal world, we’d both go to everything but annual leave / cost of flights / uk accommodation as we will have rented out our flat / the fact that we will want to do lots of travel round our new home means we have to pick only some. The thought process behind prioritising ones we can go to together was that we genuinely love spending time together - my weekends are precious and she’s who I would like to spend them with. But point taken that I shouldn’t tell people why I’m declining if it is for this reason!

I think we will go thought the save the dates tonight and decide which ones we are set on going to and then let the others know we won’t be attending based on travel (I know you don’t have to rsvp to a save the date but just to help with their planning).

I actually hadn’t considered that anyone would say to bring each other if we gave this reason so thanks for pointing this out. I think that is an incentive not to as I don’t want to look like I am angling for a +1 as I’m not - you can’t invite everyone and that’s okay

I wouldn’t have such a rule as you could both miss out on something that would be fun to go to.

No one was assuming you were a hetro couple from all the posts before.
Engagement doesn't mean the comment about not being together in time is irrelevant.

I think it’s fine to say you’re only coming back if you happen to be coming back at the same time, which keeps the door open for events happening around d the same time you might be invited to and also relieves pressure from anyone thinking they need to invite you both. I don’t think I’d circulate this reason upfront, I’d just let people know if they ask. I don’t think it’s a daft rule but you might find it changes over time because you’ll want your space.

I don’t see what relevance your sexuality has with your thought process.

If someone said to me they were only coming to things that their partner was also invited to I would assume they were either angling for another invite (which is just rude) or immaturely playing at being a grown up and not realising that actual grown ups make case by case decisions rather than silly ones that suggest they can’t do things alone.

You are making a drama where none is needed. No need to make big announcements . You will be living abroad and no one will expect you to keep coming home for events. It just wouldn’t be practical. You will need to concentrate on getting settled in to your new lives and enjoying your time in the new country and you don’t want to be miserable and broke constantly flying home. You don’t need to accept every invitation if you are living abroad.

I know couples who only ever do things together. To be honest, it always rings alarm bells for me.

Same, I can’t imagine missing out on my best friends’s wedding or whatever because my DH wasn’t invited.

This.

Fly home to things you want to be at. Don’t become the sort of couple who only see friends or family together. People want to maintain an independent relationship with you even if you happen to have a serious boyfriend or girlfriend.

Now from a practical level, it may not financially make sense to travel home individually loads of different times. You may have to come for a particular event and then cram in seeing lots of different people while you’re here. But don’t only see friends and family or go to big events together. Have a life still independent of each other.

I moved to the other side of the world and actually would almost always travel back on my own. Not because Dh wasn’t invited to things, but because it didn’t financially work for us both to attend. Add children in the mix and it gets 4x more expensive. If you plan to stay away for a number of years, it will be difficult to travel back together. Beyond all that, it was important to see my friends and my family without Dh. I love him, but it’s not the same. Couple mode is very different. People will sometimes just want to see you and that’s okay.

However, it’s always up to you to decline an invitation. But don’t decline things you really want to go to just to make a point. Long distance relationships with friends and family are hard enough to sustain.