To only fly home to events we are both invited to?

[thenewimmigrant]

Hello,

We (couple in our 20s) are lucky enough to be moving overseas for work next year. We have been together a couple of years, and recently started living together. We are really excited about this next step!

We have already had invitations/save the dates for various events in the UK happening after we’ve gone, such as weddings and honestly for the first 6 months post move there is something every 3-4 weeks. Many of these invitations are just to one of us. We love our friends and family and know their life events are important but aibu if we say we will only fly home (the flight is a couple of hours) to events we are both invited to?

if IANBU, do we tell friends this is the line we’ve drawn? Otherwise it might seem like we are favouring some friends over others (for example, two of my school friends are marrying next summer. One has invited just me, one has invited us both. If I took this stance, we would only fly to the U.K. for the second one. If you were the first friend, would you rather I was honest with you as to why?).

This isn’t meant to be a criticism of people who don’t give guests plus 1s - we are in the early early stages of planning our own and so appreciate how expensive this all is! Just interested to know what others would do in this situation. Thanks

On a practical/cost basis it might be better to set the precedent that only one of you attends. So e.g. you go to your own friends'/families' weddings alone, regardless of who was invited.

But up to you. I probably would make attending any of them the exception, just because travelling back every 3-4 weeks will be hard going.

The original concerns still apply.

Why are you only able to go if your partner is invited?

That’s a weird rule. You can’t be expected to always be invited as a couple. And presumably you do have your own lives and friends so going for a divide and conquer strategy will actually mean that you can do more as it’ll be half the cost in airfare and you can use your annual leave for what matters most for you as individuals. Like the schoolmate’s wedding- if all of your group are invited without partners that’s not unfair and you can ask who wants to share a room. That’s presuming you want to go. If you don’t then that’s also fine. You won’t be able to say yes to everything, such is life living abroad, but don’t be so rigid or codependent. Go through the invites and look at your budget then decide.

Perfectly sensible to pick and choose by any criteria you like, but I would either not give a reason, or frame it in very general terms such as "scheduling". No one should be expecting you to to travel internationally for their event, though it's lovely if you choose to.

Yanbu but honestly you really need to decline all invitations for the first 9 months anyway to give yourself a chance to settle in the new country.

After that moratorium then your rule about both being invited is good but you also need a firm set of limits for how many trips per year and minimum gap between them or you really will get yourself run ragged trying to maintain a social life in one country while living in another.

That's a good point @FenceBooksCycle . It's not just finances, you don't want to be burning all your leave on coming home instead of spending time off in your new country.

If i has the time and money to come home for an important event like a wedding i would even if partner not invited. She could still come back and visit her own friends and family if it suits.

If I couldnt manage all the events I would prioritise the people I am closest to. It wouldnt be about my partner being invited or not.

Absolutely. Is this rule a jointly made one?

I wouldn't make that decision and I've been married thirty years!

Go to whatever you want to.....in pure Mumsnet language it's an invitation not a summons.

YANBU, I would say you have limited annual leave so need to prioritise events where you can travel to and attend with your partner.

Never complain, never explain.

Better to politely decline any invitation that does not meet the secret criteria.

In a few years time, I'm sure they will be delighted to attend events on their own. Bliss!

It sounds like it's not about being able to, but more about wanting to be together.

Which is fine as long as both partners feel the same way.

I prefer traveling with my DH than friends. It's cheaper as we share a room / double bed and we know each other's foibles.

You can decide anything you like about coming back but this rule seems arbitrary. You’ll lose a lot of friends over those two years. Why not prioritise the ones you like most?

I don’t think you explain your rule, I think people will think you’re hinting. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have that rule though. I’m also the type of person that prefers my DW over anyone else and I wouldn’t want to come home for an event unless she was with me.

It would absolutely look like you were angling for a plus one if you included the "rule" in your polite decline. It would look absolutely batshit if you told everyone about your "rule". Life doesn't have to be this complicated and it definitely has more than a whiff of main character syndrome.

There will be some drinks, and a couple of dinners to say goodbye, you will leave the country and everyone will just carry on as normal. Except you'll be over there somewhere. Sometimes you'll come back for stuff, sometimes you won't but nobody will really be that fussed as to your reasoning.

What is reasonable in my opinion depends on how far away you are. I think family should be prioritised, and perhaps Christmas or Easter. You don't want to be spending a lot of time in airports.

I don’t know why you can’t go to things separately- one flight is cheaper than two so cost is no excuse.
You’re in your twenties, no childcare commitments, been together just 2 years and only just started living together - don’t announce to people you will only attend as a pair. Totally sours an event for an organizer and drama.

You say it is only a 2 hour flight - with an attitude that it is long-haul. Either you want to attend your respective events or not - people didn’t force you to move. I live overseas, we are married and we do things separately when we choose.

This. Don't bother explaining rules.

Don’t do anything based on save the dates. It’s rude, because it comes across like you’re saying you don’t want to be there no matter what. By the time an invitation comes, it might include both of you anyway.

I wouldn't commit to such rules. What if you/your partner can't get leave from work? Are you really going to sit at home alone and miss you best friends wedding, while your other half is off at work?
And even though you're both females, do you really expect that she be invited to all your friends events that women would usually attend on their own (by reason of being the nearest and dearest) hen parties, baby showers etc. Obviously, living abroad, you won't be able to attend most of these anyway, but perhaps there'll be a few you would like to attend?

Agree.

You’ve only been together a couple of years and only recently started living together. Honestly I’d be surprised if you’re invited as a couple to weddings yet. They are expensive and most people don’t invite a huge number of guests anymore.

Don’t risk your own personal friendships to prove some sort of point about your relationship. Go to the events you want to go to, for the friends you want to be there for. Regardless of both being invited or not. If it is too far away and you’re not that fussed about being there, don’t go.

The thought process behind prioritising ones we can go to together was that we genuinely love spending time together

I can’t articulate why but there’s something quite odd about this statement. I mean, most people love spending time with their partner, this is not an unusual situation. If you”re in it for the long haul, you’ve got the whole of your lives to spend time together. Do you really need to never chose to do anything separately?

Yeah, we kinda choose our partners because we "genuinely love spending time together". Surely the OP doesn't think they're more special or different for feeling like that??

This. The "issue" is the number of events you are invited to. If you were both invited to all events - say every 3 weekends - you wouldn't accept all of them. Each go to the ones that are most important (and convenient/possible given work and travel time and cost).

If you are making a life overseas, you can't expect to be able to attend all the events in your home country that you would otherwise have done. If you are flying back every couple of weeks, you won't start to build that new life overseas with new important friendships.