To only fly home to events we are both invited to?

[thenewimmigrant]

Hello,

We (couple in our 20s) are lucky enough to be moving overseas for work next year. We have been together a couple of years, and recently started living together. We are really excited about this next step!

We have already had invitations/save the dates for various events in the UK happening after we’ve gone, such as weddings and honestly for the first 6 months post move there is something every 3-4 weeks. Many of these invitations are just to one of us. We love our friends and family and know their life events are important but aibu if we say we will only fly home (the flight is a couple of hours) to events we are both invited to?

if IANBU, do we tell friends this is the line we’ve drawn? Otherwise it might seem like we are favouring some friends over others (for example, two of my school friends are marrying next summer. One has invited just me, one has invited us both. If I took this stance, we would only fly to the U.K. for the second one. If you were the first friend, would you rather I was honest with you as to why?).

This isn’t meant to be a criticism of people who don’t give guests plus 1s - we are in the early early stages of planning our own and so appreciate how expensive this all is! Just interested to know what others would do in this situation. Thanks

This.

it actually makes more sense if only one of you goes more often than not. As it’s cheaper and it’s more likely that you can stay with family or friends.

I get where you’re coming from OP.

I know a few posters have said things along the lines of “you should be able to travel alone, you’re an independent woman” etc etc. But maybe you don’t want too. If I was travelling to another country for a wedding, presumably staying in hotels etc, I’d like to do that with my partner. I CAN do that alone, but it would be nice to share the weekend with my partner. To me it’s a bit different than attending a wedding down the road by yourself.

I think this is fine, and I understand your conundrum here. If you decline with the excuse “we only come together” it runs the risk of them thinking you’re angling for a plus one, and then offering the plus one. But then if you dont use that as your reason and they see you tending other people’s weddings in your home country, they may be offended. No real advice from me, jusy want to say I hear you!

I’d play it by ear, if you both go to everything you are invited to separately you may end up with no shared annual leave. If you say no to everything you may loose out on some lovely experiences and damage friendships.

The whole post reeks somewhat of 'we're so special". Go or don't go to things, if you're like most people, only a small number of people will care all that much whether you come to things when you have moved abroad.

You do not have to always travel together. Just decide for each event and if they coincide with others orwhatever. Making a rule is not necessary. Maybe you canonly come back 3 x a year. When your quota is up is up except for emergencies

This. Don’t end up being that couple who can’t do anything apart.

Because you’re moving away, you might find you want more dedicated time with your friends and family.

My best mate moved away and it was irritating that I never saw her without her partner when she came home or when I visited her.

Yeah, don’t become one of those people who won’t do anything without their partner. It’s tedious.

Also-don’t become one of those people who doesn't like their partner to do anything without them. It’s tedious. And/or worrying.

I'm not sure why you would decline something important due to only one of your being invited.

Unless one is controlling and not allowing the other to travel I don't see an issue?

Defo more to this than the OP is saying.

It doesn't last long (unless there is CC).

Honestly you can choose what ever bench mark you want to decide but I don't think I'd phrase it like I don't value your wedding to spend a weekend away from my partner ( makes you sound a bit of wet lettuce) or b that you're telling them you want them to add your partner as well or you won't come.
when you live abroad, people will know you won't be able to attend everything .

I wouldn't make that the rule.
Once you move abroad (I did this nearly 20 years ago and am still abroad) you have to accept that you won't be able to attend everything and friends and relatives have to accept that too.
You'll soon find that you don't have the time, energy, money and/or annual leave to be flying backwards and forwards once every month or so. Also, you want to make a new life in the new country presumably and if you are back in the UK too often that gets in the way of settling in to the new country.
You'd be better off setting a number of weeks/weekends per year you want to return to the UK and then work around that.

Go to the ones you want
Don't go to ones you don't
I wouldn't be mixing my friend's wedding because my other half wasn't invited but then going to a wedding of their friend who i don't know

It doesn't make any difference to my reply that your partner is female. You still don't need to be joined at the hip. Lived together since the beginning of the year is still no time at all. Maintain your friendships, they're important.

You’re being slightly ridiculous

take each invite as it comes
presumably going to each one won’t be practical so just prioritize the ones that are most important THEN discuss if you’re going plus one, or not

I also wondered why it was relevant

My husband was my best friend long before we became a couple so I wouldn't really enjoy it without him so really up to the couple what works for them ni alarm bells for me

I do find the idea of not enjoying yourself at something because your husband’s not there very odd. Do you not have any individual friends or interests? Are you one of those people who want your husband to come along to everything? Even a meeting of woman friends?

That's a ridiculous rule and I would think a friend was really co-dependant or being controlled if she gave me that reason for not going to my wedding/other big event.

It will also look like you are only not going because it looked like your boyfriend wasn't invited which isn't a good look.

Sorry, just saw your update swap boyfriend with girlfriend but same applies.

No, I have my own interests and meet up with female friends but I would not go to a wedding abroad without him. All relationships are different and I would not spend money on something I don't want to do. I have a busy job and travel a lot for it so spare time is precious and my husband has always been my fun friend, I have the best time with him. This comes for many years ie 15 before we became a couple. I also have close male friends I spend time with but choose to spend the most time with who I have the most fun with.

Just look at these things on a case by case basis and attend the ones that mean more to you, even if alone. Being abroad you have the perfect excuse for any refusals

Thank you everyone for all the thoughts, really interesting perspectives.

This absolutely isn’t about control / one of us not being able to travel without the other, just about not really wanting to and wondering if we were reasonable/ if we should say this to people whose invites we decline. We have zero issues going to things solo if domestic it’s just a right faff (leave the day before to travel over etc) and so would rather do it with my fiancée! I wouldn’t voice this in real life as I’d sound like a prat but she’s my absolute best friend hence the desire to spend as many weekends as possibly with her.

Also thank you to the posters who didn’t see how the fact we’re gay is relevant - your take is refreshing! I only mentioned it as a reply referred to my ‘boyfriend’ - actually some people deff do see it as relevant and there is the odd event (my uncle’s 60th springs to mind!) where I think I would have been given a +1 if it was a man which I suppose feeds into us wondering if we should say ‘we only travel back as a couple’ (obviously we are not going to this one but just as an example!)

I wondered if you suspected that some family and friends werent taking your relationship as seriously as hetero couples of similar tenure and that was why you stressed duration of relationship.

I find it really sad when people cant go anywhere without their "other half". Especially as you are only in your 20s!

Hetero/Gay doesn't matter you both need a social life of your own. Choose the ones you want to go to, not dual invites.
By the time we and our friends were getting married we all new each other's partners so they weren't a plus one as such. The only plus ones we had at our wedding were a couple of cousins partners that we didn't know at all.