Anyone have 4 boys and not have gender disappointment?

[4boyfamily]

I am pregnant with DC4 and just found out at 20 week scan last week it is baby boy number 4. Obviously knew there was a 50/50 chance and I adore my 3 boys but I had such a strong feeling this one was a girl (feel so different!) and have been calling him baby girl for months!! It's absolutely floored me. Didn't think I really had a preference I have always hated the term "gender disappointment" but I suppose that's what I'm having.

It doesn't help that we've told family and friends that it's baby boy number 4 and the responses have ranged from indifferent to shock that we could have 4 boys in a row, to disappointment themselves. It feels like no one is excited so along with managing my own feelings I'm also dealing with constant negative comments as we tell people one by one.

What I'm hoping for is to hear from families with 4 (or more!) boys who have maybe had gender disappointment and come out the other side or who could let me know what it's like with 4 boys one they're all here and growing up together. Do the negative comments from strangers ever end?

Just ignore people! They love to judge. I have 2 boys and a girl. When I had the girl, everyone jumped to say “oh you finally got your girl” and I was always so annoyed! No I got my 3rd kid that I wanted. I can imagine why you are disappointed but I am sure it’s going to be a fun wild ride! Healthy baby is all that matters for me! Congrats!

Also……I’m a HCP and many many of the most devoted adult children to their elderly / unwell parents are men.

I was told by one of my colleague when I had my youngest son that “a boy’s your son until he takes a wife” 🙄. In my experience this is bollocks! My children are mixed race and on their dad’s side this is most definitely NOT the case! Family is mega important and all the grown up “children” in our family are still really close to their parents and the extended family.

This thread is making me broody……😬😬

Wtf do you think a girl mum is? What utter shite. Got a girl and a boy, another unknown in the way. Parenting doesn't change whether it's a girl or boy FFS.

This made me think TBH.Not too long ago boys were the No1 choice. Back in the 50s.60s .70s they were seen as the preferred sex! Obviously thats changed now for the better .I think 4 boys will be company for each other, and as long as they are healthy thats what counts .

Bit unnecessary and harsh

I get where they're coming from though. There are a few posts on this thread that not only celebrate boys, which is great, but denigrate girls, which is not great and a bit odd considering the posters are apparently female themselves.

One poster saying she wouldn't want girls because she's not "girly"? Another saying count yourself lucky you won't have to deal with the drama and make-up and fake tan stains! Girls are female, that's their shared characteristic, personalities come in all varieties.

I have girls - daughters and granddaughters. They are all different. Some academic, some sporty, some creative, some a combination of all 3. Not one would I class as "girly", nor did I ever have to cope with "drama, makeup and fake tan stains". Such reductive drivel and the kind of attitude that makes girls think they must be in the wrong body if they're not into pink and dolls and unicorns.

Boys and girls are great and we need to celebrate both. I never cared what I had - I just hoped for healthy babies and that's what I got. I'm bless3d and so are you OP. Congratulations!

This is quite an aggressive response to what I think was an innocent enough comment.

I know lots of people who find them very different to parent. That's not saying one is better than the other, just they can be different.

Out of my 4 kids it's my one girl who causes me endless problems. She's my 2nd child. I wasn't upset that my youngest 2 are boys

I have four boys. You are in the worst part because people's comments can be so unbelievable untactful. I too felt like I was disappointing everyone around us by having 'another' boy, people did not keep their feelings to themselves. It's hard when you have your own emotions to work through, whilst also dealing with the noise from other people.

Anyway, my children are older now and the comments do lessen a lot once you are out of the baby stages and clearly not having any more children. Gender disappointment is way more normal that you think, try not to feel guilty about it. You won't always feel this way.

Mum of 3 boys here, and we're contemplating a fourth pregnancy.

What has helped me is knowing that it's possible to feel more than one thing at the same time: I love my boys with all my heart and feel so unbelievably lucky to have them, especially as it took us a while to conceive, but I can also be sad that I won't ever experience a mother/ daughter relationship. Both can be true at the same time.

I don't have my own mum any more either, or any female relatives to speak of, so I'm very much a lone woman in our family!

Other people's reactions have made the whole thing so, so much worse. The constant questions! The assumptions! The 'football team' comments! The sympathetic looks! Try and ignore them (easier said than done I know), and try and focus on how very wonderful the children you do have are. Sending lots of love and sympathy.

My mother was always bitterly disappointed that she ended up with a girl instead of a 4th boy. And a pretty crap at being girly type of girl at that, as I couldn't even make up for my inherent inadequacies by being all quiet, petite and dainty and pretty.

Hopefully you'll come round to the idea once he's here and a lovely little person in his own right

Three boys here rather than 4 and I’ve found that the negative comments turn to admiration and slight envy that the hormone rollercoaster is less of an issue in the teenage years. I won’t say I haven’t taken the odd wistful look through the little girls clothing sections but my boys bring loads of energy and fun to the household. One of mine will happily sit and craft with me, one of them watches videos on how to manage curly hair with me so we can both work out how to deal with recent changes in hair texture, one likes to sit and chat about his feelings…so basically what I’ve found is that they’re all different, whether boy or girl, and having a girl wouldn’t necessarily be what you expected either. At the end of the day you’ll love your new little boy once he’s here.

The golden goose of parenting has always seemed to be having at least one of each sex. As if you’re missing out on something otherwise. It’s like there’s some sort of invisible life bingo card with a box left unticked. It’s the same for people with one child who are told, you’ve got to give them a sibling! It’s all bollocks.

I was the same, had a girl and really wanted a second girl but had a boy. Wouldn't change him for the world now, but i was really disappointed.

It's different if, for example, the first and second are different sexes. But even after two of the same sex, you have more chance of the third also being the same. And it increases the more you have.

I imagine in the majority of families you know of four DC, the first and second born are different sexes?

This is very extreme

I have to agree. As for that poster @NigelForage Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I do find some mums who have all boys are very vitriolic and unpleasant about girls. I never see mums of girls being nasty about boys though.

Funny that......

disclaimer: Not ALL mums (who have boys only) are like this, but some are....... As I say, protesting too much.......

.

Exactly. Some men have a gene that means they produce more X chromosome sperm or more Y chromosome sperm. (I’m not a biologist so might not be explaining it correctly).

But I’d say you are married to a man that has this gene and he makes more Y chromosome sperm. It is an inherited gene passed down the male side so if your DH has brothers as opposed to sisters, it is even more likely that he has the gene that produces more Y sperm.

But I’ve just thought of a reason why you should be pleased you’re having a boy… I’m assuming that as this is your 4th you maybe a slightly older mum. Going through peri or menopause when a DD is going through the hormonal stages of starting her periods and them settling is not fun at all!! 2 very hormonal females in the house does not make for a calm environment, take it from someone who knows from bitter experience!

Hi, I had four boys and felt gender disappointment with the last 3 as I always wanted a girl. Also when we told people we were having another boy, they were not excited. However baby number five was a girl and my family were besides themselves with excitement so I think what you have experienced is not that unusual. No will say that having a girl after 4 boys was different, I was so used to how boys behaved that it took some adjustment.

Thank you. These boy threads always turn into a punching down on girls and I have to say similarly, defenders, no disrespect, go to the enth degree to denigrate ‘girly’ girls by proving that their relatives are sporty or nerdy and wouldn’t ever, never, in a million years use make up or wear pink ugh. God forbid.

There is nothing wrong with girls (or boys) liking pink, wearing make up and fake tan. Evidence of cosmetics and jewellery is found on archeological digs back in the most ancient civilisations. It’s part of human nature.

Let’s celebrate all loved babies whatever their sex and stop denigrating femininity in all its guises.

If my second had not been a girl I would have had a third. I was desperate for a daughter. I grew up with four brothers and wanted a sister desperately so it’s just rooted in me. I’ve been surprised at how different girls are in their development they are much faster but having the girl I’ve realised it’s otherwise it’s much the same as having a boy as all kids have varied interests (DS likes both cars,dancing and pink). I think we often want what we don’t have - we can’t afford a larger family so we have stopped at 2. In part it’s sad we don’t have 4 wonderful boys. Please do grieve, feel sad but once the boy is here with their own unique personality you’ll completely forget about it

I’ve always thought that regardless of parents’ feelings, for the children it’s better to have one more of the same sex ie all boys or all girls or 2 of each. So having 1 girl after 3 boys wouldn’t be great for her, even if it were lovely for you. The boys will be a great team as they grow up and have friends for life. Infact 4 is better than 3 as there won’t be any 1 left out. I’d take the 4th boy as a win and park any negative comments firmly in the bin.

I truly think, if people were honest, anyone with 3 of the same sex would want the other. It’s totally normal to want to experience all options and loads of people want at least one of each. Add maths and odds to the equation, it’s totally understandable you were expecting a girl this time.

Give yourself time to come to terms with it and then look for the positives. For me, one positive would be that they’re more likely to have more in common as adults than if you had a solo girl.

Its one of those things in life that you have zero control over and it’s hard to get your head around it but you’ll feel better in time.

I have a friend who has four boys. She is one of those people who up until having kids seemed to lead a pretty golden life. Everything she wanted just seemed to fall into her lap. The doctors actually advised after baby 2 she didn't have more children. She said she really wanted a girl though. She got a second opinion and they gave her the go ahead. So when baby number 3 was a boy I can only imagine how upset she was. Funnily she was much more matter of fact by baby 4 and said she knew it would be a boy. I am not sure if there was an element of self preservation in that statement. She is now bringing up 4 boys and is much too busy to worry about what gender they are. I know she loves them all for who they are and wouldn't change that.

Your disappointment is natural Op. Let yourself grieve for the loss of the daughter you wanted. Then try and move on and embrace the fact you will soon have another little boy.

I am not sure if this helps. I know someone who always wanted to get married and have a big family. Unfortunately her and her husband have been trying for children for over a decade and it hasn't happened for them. I know she'd give anything to be in your situation. I say this gently, as I fully understand your feelings, but try and remember how lucky you are.

@Plutotheplanet maybe four boys is a golden life for her? Passing ‘I’d have liked a girl’ doesn’t take that joy away.