Anyone have 4 boys and not have gender disappointment?

[4boyfamily]

I am pregnant with DC4 and just found out at 20 week scan last week it is baby boy number 4. Obviously knew there was a 50/50 chance and I adore my 3 boys but I had such a strong feeling this one was a girl (feel so different!) and have been calling him baby girl for months!! It's absolutely floored me. Didn't think I really had a preference I have always hated the term "gender disappointment" but I suppose that's what I'm having.

It doesn't help that we've told family and friends that it's baby boy number 4 and the responses have ranged from indifferent to shock that we could have 4 boys in a row, to disappointment themselves. It feels like no one is excited so along with managing my own feelings I'm also dealing with constant negative comments as we tell people one by one.

What I'm hoping for is to hear from families with 4 (or more!) boys who have maybe had gender disappointment and come out the other side or who could let me know what it's like with 4 boys one they're all here and growing up together. Do the negative comments from strangers ever end?

A friend has 4 sons and I remember being very jealous as she conceived each one easily and I could only have one (daughter).
We were jealous of each other in different ways - it's a funny thing isn't it.

I am not sure that is why your cousins are avoiding you to be honest.

I have sons and no daughters. I am definitely not 'melancholy'. I am just doing the best I can by the fantastic children I am lucky enough to have.

OP, I am certain that your fourth boy will be a wonderful child who will make you happy, proud and exhausted exactly as his three big brothers do.

4 boys here, happily!! Wouldn’t change our house for the world! A friend of mine has 4 girls and we both joke about the similarities between our houses- people assume things about both boys and girls but we have very similar households!!!

@4boyfamily I'm sure you’ll be over the moon once he’s here. It’s too late for you now and I realise you didn’t think you’d have any sort of disappointment but I think generally if you think you might it’s best not to find out. I did really want a girl second time and when I was having the baby I didn’t care … I just wanted to meet my baby.

I do think on these threads they actually massively perpetuate stereotypes which is interesting as usually on threads about wanting a particular gender women are sternly rebuked about wanting a girl to dress up or go shopping with, even if that’s not really the driving force behind it, yet it’s considered acceptable to dismiss all little boys as ‘affectionate, like dogs, just like football and dinosaurs’ which I personally think is just as damaging as the ‘girls like princesses and hairstyles’ stereotype.

Until we can start seeing children as individuals we aren’t going to get very far on this topic.

What really pisses me off about threads like this isn’t the mums who are genuinely delighted to have all boys but the ones who slag girls off - not all teenage girls are a nightmare, and I think the main ones who do this are the ones who are salty about not getting a daughter!

BUT

I had 4 boys and have an older DD. My youngest 2 boys are twins. I did get a lot of dickish comments, with many commiserating with my DD and saying “oh no you poor thing!” Bringing her into it pissed me off more than any of the comments made to me! FWIW she loves being a big sister to boys and wants her own children to be boys!

It is damned hard work having 4 boys but they are all wonderful and wonderfully different too - as your DS4 may well be!

Congratulations OP!

@chillidoritto i do honestly wonder why … I mean, it’s entirely possible DD might be a nightmare as a teenager but she’s still my nightmare; does anyone actually think I’d swap her for an ‘easier’ boy? Most bizarre. To be honest I think most children are challenging in different ways anyway.

OP, I have 5 boys ranging from age 10 down to 8 weeks.
I had never wanted to know what I was having on any of them so it was always a surprise for everyone.
However for some reason I had it in my head that baby no 5 might be a girl, completely different pregnancy, different shape, size, just everything about it was different and much as I adored my boys and was thrilled at each birth that I had another little boy I found myself getting all excited at having a different sex and all it would bring with it.
For some reason when I had my scan and she asked did I want to know the sex I said yes (DH wasn't with me at the time as he was stuck in a&e with one of the others) and I admit I was so disappointed when she said it was a boy but at the same time so very very happy I had found out as I knew I'd get over myself long before the birth, whereas if I'd only found out at the birth I was afraid I'd have shown the disappointment and then felt so guilty.
DS5 is equally as loved and adorable as the others.
Anyone who has dared ever make a negative or brain dead comment to me about having all boys has been met with a very hard stare, raised eyebrows and a
"Are you seriously asking me am I not happy with my 3/4/5 amazing little boys, seriously"?????
We plan on having one more and I hope to god it's another boy, as does DH and the reason for that being, how the hell would she ever get a partner with 5 big brothers lined up behind her checking them out and scaring them off😂

Only one of ours has ever requested a girl and when DS5 was born, he very dramatically stormed off announcing " For gods sake, another brother, I have enough brothers, more brothers than I even need, can nothing in my life ever go right for me"😂

Not a mum of boys but 3 girls. I also had a lot of negative comments about my third, so it’s not unique to multiple boys. I had lots of people commenting on how disappointed my husband must be which isn’t a kind thing to say to a pregnant hormonal woman. Also lots of comments about keep on trying. Now if anyone says it’s a shame I didn’t get to experience being a boy mum, I say: you do realise I haven’t raised the same child 3 times just because they’re all girls, each child is a whole unique journey. I know you know all this and your post is more specificity about not having a girl but don’t let anyone else’s comments impact you, people feel free to say negative things whether all boys / all girls/ too large or small age gaps/ number of children etc etc.

It's absolutely OK to feel disappointed especially if its been a shock, it's absolutely your right to feel however you want. I would say they're all their own people, I've a boy and a girl and they don't really align to gender standards/what i imagined - I know full well it'll be my son accompanying me on spa trips, lazing by the pool, theatre trips, book clubs or wine tasting. My daughter is wonderful but an adrenaline junky like her dad. We discussed victorian day at school today, she wants to go as a chimney sweep. They're all beautifully unique!

When my 4th son was born, I was a little sad that I would never raise a girl. His sister was stillborn, so there is always a small longing for a girl, although that was always more about the loss of her than about her sex if that makes sense. But I never felt that I would want to change anything about him, he was perfect and is still a joy.
Over all, I feel really blessed to have such wonderful, loving children, and I have a rich, happy life. Sadly not financially, but thems the breaks.

I have 5 boys. I used to think i would like a little girl but what i actually wanted was a doll to dress up and do her hair! Knowing my luck I would have had a girl who hated all that stuff anyway. I wanted ds5 to be a boy because I dreaded the knowing smiles and the "you finally got a girl" comments as if my boys were failed attempts. I do still get people telling me i should "try for a girl", usually complete strangers. In my mid forties and with my youngest being 11 you would think most people would guess that we weren't going to have any more.

I have 2 big boys now but really I wanted 4 boys!. I am actually quite jealous when I watch Sarah Beeny on TV with her 4 big sons! But I'm not very girly and never imagined myself with girls so maybe that makes it easier

I do understand but you are more likely to have a very close family as they’ll all be interested in the same things when they’re older. I can’t see my son and daughter having much interest in eachother once they’ve left home x

I would have loved to have had more boys!

You will be the undisputed queen of the house foreverrrrr (unless you have no.5 and get girl) 😉congratulations!

Honestly thank you so much for these lovely comments they're so much nicer and kinder than I was even hoping for when I started the thread. We are so happy as a little family unit I can only imagine our 4th little man will just add to that.

I definitely don't believe in any sort of stereotypes. My 3 boys are so different from one another and although they're all still young (6.5, 3.5 and almost 2) they have a wonderful bond already.

I don't know why I was so sure I was having a girl, I had the strongest instinct and had such a different pregnancy so far everything was just telling me girl. Got carried away picking "her" a name and imagining finding out it was a girl and telling people, that it's just caught me quite a lot off guard.

I never had any disappointment with DS2 or DS3 so peoples thoughtless (sometimes horrible) comments were easy for me to brush off but I'm just worried now that people's comments will hurt because I've felt this disappointment myself. Wish I was more like DH who couldn't give a shit was people think or say!

I have 4 friends left to tell that I know will all be in the "oh what a shame" camp as they've all previously said to me many times that they were manifesting/wish for a girl for me. Once I've told them all I hope I can just put this behind me and move on with enjoying my last pregnancy.

Congratulations OP on your beautiful baby boy! I adore my two baby boys. Ok they’re 8 and 3 now but they’re always my babies! I would’ve had more boys if I could but I unfortunately had 4 losses in between my first and second and after our rainbow was born I couldn’t face the thought of another pregnancy ever again. I’m sorry you’re feeling mixed about things, but ignore everyone else’s reactions and focus on your gorgeous baby. How lovely as they grow up to each have 3 brothers!

God I'd love 4 four boys (I have one). Imagine people being so rude as to comment! Picture them growing up friends, playing together and their girlfriends or wives all being friends with each other too and lots of big happy crowds in your house. It sounds wonderful. Except maybe for the teenage food bills but perhaps you'll qualify for bulk discounts?

I never get this (no offence OP, not trying to shame your feelings or anything) as I’m one of 4 girls and there has never been that sort of negative reaction? It seems like all the girls is no issue & people only feel disappointment about boys?

Sarah Beeny recently wrote her autobiography and a lot of that focuses on her wonderful, tumble of a lovely life she and her husband have with their four boys. The TV show is a fantastic advert for having four boys.

I have 2 boys and one girl and i totally agree with your comments !
I love them all equally and i was more than happy with the thought that my 3rd would be a boy.
No one has any idea what kind of relationship they will have with their adult children , i do think there is a bit of a presumption that mothers will have wonderful close loving bonds with their daughter .
Out of me and my siblings the closest bond with our mother is my brother.
I always feel a little uncomfortable with gender disappointment threads as it's always boys who get the brunt of it - gorgeous scrumptious little boys !!!

Yes @Btowngirl I think that sadly is the case 😢 I have a few friends with 2-3 girls and they get the odd "oh I bet your husband wanted a boy" type comment but nothing like the rude things people have said to me.

Honestly it's mostly women who say these things (both people we know and strangers) so I suppose they might have more of a skew towards wanting girls? Don't often get men commenting on it really. I doubt any of DH's friends will give it a second thought!

It’s so rude! I always just say how brilliant when people have big families or loads of one gender. Being 1 of 4 is ace, hopefully your boys grow up really close 🥰

Congratulations. My friend’s husband is youngest of 3 boys and when he had his 3rd son his mother asked was he disappointed and would they try for a girl? They were over the moon to have 3 healthy boys as some of their friends had children with special needs. His mother made him feel inferior as she indicated she was disappointed when he was born. A few of my friends have all boys and love having sons.

I was (still am) an older sister to 4 brothers and it's great :)