Teenage DD ( 19 )

[Libby011]

I’m looking for some advice.
My daughter, who’s almost 19, doesn’t really have a social life or many friends at the moment. When she was younger in primary school, she was very popular — always invited to parties, sleepovers, and so on. Things slowed down a bit in secondary school, mostly due to logistics and where everyone lived, but she still had a nice friendship group and would meet up with them on weekends and for birthdays.
When she started sixth form, she wasn’t that interested in socialising outside school. She didn’t really enjoy parties or drinking, doesn't seem
to be interested in boys and was perfectly happy not to go out — which, honestly, suited us fine as there were no late-night pick-ups or worries about getting home. I did have to encourage her to go to the occasional local party with her closest friends, which she did and seemed to enjoy.
Now, most of her friends have gone off to university, and she doesn’t seem to have many people left to see — just a couple of friends she hasn’t made much effort to keep in touch with. She’s been out once since September with her best friend from primary school, but they don’t have much in common anymore.
She’s recently started an apprenticeship, but it’s a small office with only a few older ladies. I try to encourage her to get out more or meet new people, but she’s just not that bothered. She’s happiest spending time with me and my friends, or with my husband doing practical things like fixing things around the house, cutting the grass, or going for long walks.
She has joined the gym with her older brother’s girlfriend and goes two or three times a week — I think she feels comfortable and safe in her company. She also has a few hobbies, but again, they mainly involve older women rather than people her own age.
I can’t help feeling like she’s missing out on a lot. That said, she seems perfectly happy, and everyone in the neighbourhood adores her — she’s confident chatting to adults and gives as good as she gets in conversation.
Am I worrying unnecessarily?

What is it you're wanting from her? She's happy in the life she's built. That may change in future and you can support her then

Let her live her life

Maybe the OP doesn't want her daughter hanging around constantly with her and her friends?

I get it I suppose, but honestly, you're looking for something to be worried about.. She's happy, thats all that matters.

We have such a a habit of an expectation of how lives should be lived that it makes us anxious when people don't conform to these standards. Society and it's expectations are the issue here, not your daughter. Just be proud of yourself that you've done a good job raising a well adjusted, clearly very likeable young woman ❤️

She seems perfectly happy,

Then leave her be. This was me. I just never needed all that much company. I've got a few close friends who I see probably once every few weeks, and that suited me. I'm perfectly capable of socialising, or handling big parties, or clubs, they just don't really interest me.

Sounds exactly like my son!

That said, she seems perfectly happy

That's fine, then. Stop worrying about it.

She's an adult and she can hang out - or not hang out - with whoever she chooses, so leave her be.

Thank you,
I appreciate your honesty.

Thank you. I guess we are all different

Thank you for your kind words, I guess I would be worried if she was partying every weekend.

yes I guess to a certain extent I would like some time without her and I feel guilty for leaving her, i end up planning social activities that I know no one will mind if she hangs out with us…… i.e a quiz night, bingo, dog walk or dinner at our house,
pub ect.

My DD is 18 in a few months and doesn’t go out much either. She has some nice friends in 6th form, but they don’t tend to socialise much outside of school. She has some health issues, and so going to school / studying is enough for her. I’m much more of an extrovert and was never home at her age and have lots of friends from various parts of my life. I do worry about her going to uni, but hope it helps, or guess she comes home. Not much I can do to change it, some people are more home bodies than others.

Do you think your friends would like to do other things that don't involve her? That they might like to see you without her?

She may be happy but it's not fair to force your friends to be her social life.

There generally ok with the idea, as she generally drives 🤣 we do see them for nights out too, to restaurants, bars that I know she wouldn’t be interested in.

💙

I think that’s on you, though. Why would you ‘feel guilty for leaving her’? She’s an adult woman, not a puppy.

My oldest daughter is not super social either; doesn’t like big parties either or drinking; has one main friend she goes out with and some oldest friends she seems rarely, go to the gym with her sister, and one hobby with her friend.

I used to worry as I am very social and outgoing but I have accepted that she is not me and that is this is her personality and she is happy; she is confident, can speak to people, has a job is responsible and conscious. I have accepted this and stopped worrying about, she is 18.

She doesn’t hang out with me or her dad either which suit us as she is an adult. Only hang out with us on holidays and occasionally outing.

Some people are introverts and that's ok

Must admit one of the things I like about myself is the fact that I’m confident; can walk into a rough pub/swanky restaurant/board meeting with execs and hold my own. But I don’t really want/need to to be happy.

I have my sister, and a couple of work colleagues who I’d consider friends because we socialise occasionally outside of work (one lady I no longer work with but we still stay in touch and go out for tea a couple of times a year). I lost a lot of friends when I left my abusive XHB, I don’t know what he told people but it was enough for them to go NC, and I was with him for 17 years so a lot of our friends were my only “proper” friends.

The only time I don’t like it is when DD wants to go places like a bonfire for example this weekend. Don’t want to go just the two of us but don’t really have anyone to go with. But if it was left to me I’d be drinking white wine and eating takeaway pizza on the sofa. 😏

Yes, agree, but you do want her to start to build a life outside family, so you can enjoy time with your partner or own friends without feeling guilty or worrying that she's lonely. We all love our kids and enjoy spending time with them but we also want them to find fulfilment and probably a partner to share life with.

Maybe gradually do things she will be less interested in. "Leaving her out" in the right way may encourage her to socialise with her own friends a bit more. But if she is happy let her be, less and less teenagers seem to want to go out now 🤷‍♀️ I do think it's a bit sad as they are missing out on a lot, but it is their life to live and you can't force her to go out. They all seem a bit serious and not interested in doing half the stupid shite we did tbh

Referring to her as “teenage DD” who’s “confident chatting to adults” just shows how badly you are infantilising her. She’s 19- she’s your adult daughter. Let her be. The only thing I’d be worried about is how you seem to view her.

Sounds like my youngest DS. He just didn’t (doesn’t) like people that much. He was happiest with older people and not a socialiser. He’s now happily living with his lovely girlfriend and has a great job. I worried too he was “missing out” but he was happy so I had to respect that

😘

Thank you, we have quite similar interests…… music, theatre etc…… so it can be difficult to choose something that she wouldn’t be interested in. I do have weekends away, nights our without her, when I just don’t invite her and she’s fine with that. Xx

Thats great to hear, I often think she needs a boyfriend, but seen as she hardly ever goes out im wondering how she will meet someone.