Teenage DD ( 19 )

[Libby011]

I’m looking for some advice.
My daughter, who’s almost 19, doesn’t really have a social life or many friends at the moment. When she was younger in primary school, she was very popular — always invited to parties, sleepovers, and so on. Things slowed down a bit in secondary school, mostly due to logistics and where everyone lived, but she still had a nice friendship group and would meet up with them on weekends and for birthdays.
When she started sixth form, she wasn’t that interested in socialising outside school. She didn’t really enjoy parties or drinking, doesn't seem
to be interested in boys and was perfectly happy not to go out — which, honestly, suited us fine as there were no late-night pick-ups or worries about getting home. I did have to encourage her to go to the occasional local party with her closest friends, which she did and seemed to enjoy.
Now, most of her friends have gone off to university, and she doesn’t seem to have many people left to see — just a couple of friends she hasn’t made much effort to keep in touch with. She’s been out once since September with her best friend from primary school, but they don’t have much in common anymore.
She’s recently started an apprenticeship, but it’s a small office with only a few older ladies. I try to encourage her to get out more or meet new people, but she’s just not that bothered. She’s happiest spending time with me and my friends, or with my husband doing practical things like fixing things around the house, cutting the grass, or going for long walks.
She has joined the gym with her older brother’s girlfriend and goes two or three times a week — I think she feels comfortable and safe in her company. She also has a few hobbies, but again, they mainly involve older women rather than people her own age.
I can’t help feeling like she’s missing out on a lot. That said, she seems perfectly happy, and everyone in the neighbourhood adores her — she’s confident chatting to adults and gives as good as she gets in conversation.
Am I worrying unnecessarily?

Honestly it sounds like you have a great , close relationship. I would love that. It probably won’t stay that way forever. Once my DS was a teenager it was all about his friends. Always out with them or on the phone to them. Now he has left home and I can’t see us getting any closer.

My daughter is a similar age and is a home body too. Mind you, she doesn’t really like people very much and much prefers animals!
She’s not into fashion, makeup or boys and is perfectly happy in her own company. She LOVED lockdown when she just sat at home doing her school coursework on the sofa. It’s who she is 🤷🏻‍♀️
I sometimes ‘worry’ that she’s not out socialising or doing things that other women of her age are doing but that’s just not her and I respect her following her own path.

They are probably on their phones a lot, much of which is like being part of a community -like the mn community I’m on - to me it feels like I’m chatting or listening in to conservations

She’s 19. She doesn’t ‘need’ a boyfriend. She could do with friends though. I only really made friends at school and uni as I was surrounded by people my age. It must be difficult if she’s not at uni or in a job with people her age.

It sounds like she enjoys the company of older women - from experience, don't make it an issue. When I was exactly her age I loved the older women in my work and went out drinking with them and sat with them at nights out etc, they were great people. Then a couple of people I knew my own age started telling me it was 'weird' and made it a thing. I stupidly pulled back. Eventually I came full circle and again value the company of older women. If she's happy, leave her be.

Know someone like this, who was studying through the 2 lockdown years and who has sadly had fast-moving health issues since starting her proper job which has made things quite stressful. She has found a partner who seems amazing, though, and they have moved in and got several pets. They seem 50x happier, but very different in almost every respect, than the person they were in the years since about 2019. I hope that your DD will be more than fine.

Sounds like me when I was that age - I've never had many friends to socialise with and as I had a job in an isolated office with only one much older woman in the building never socialised at work. I got a part time job in a bar were I socialised at the same time as earning money which was perfect for me as a bit of a tightwad. None of my children are party animals either - middle one did a bit at uni but not now he's working.
Oh and she doesn't 'need' a boyfriend but when she's ready to meet her 'person' it will happen.

Thank you……. She loves spending time with her nana lovely walks, doing jobs for her…… she also likes spending time with my neighbour who is in her 70’s ) although admittedly a very young 71 year old. She would much prefer to do this than to go out with the few friends she has.

👍

Thank you……
I'm not overly worried….. her brother is a party animal so makes up for both of them, and yet during primary school he wouldn’t leave my side. Strange how they all turn out. Ill try to stop worrying.

First post nailed it.
I was the same (now 46) and it benefited me hugely.
And no, she won't "miss out" on anything.

Arf, she is 19. If she wants to repair stuff, let her be!
what is she missing? Parties? Drink? Boys? I think she shows maturity so well done you :)

Maybe she will settle with someone and they can have a dog to have long walks together! Loads of young people are homey and don’t want to become socialite.

She sounds lovely, OP.

I don’t think that is the problem. J think she is worried that she will miss out on being young while she can.

Yes that's true.
I would describe myself as a social extrovert. I love people, I love interacting with them and I'm confident talking to almost any one. But.......I also equally like my own company. I'm happy to go out on my own and don't feel the need to be constantly meeting up with people.
So I really do get the OP's concerns, but I know what it's like to be like her daughter.

Op read your post and cried. That's my DD and I have the same worries. I agree with others that indeed it's their life. However my DD has gone to Uni and this weekend she told me she's so lonely. It's broken my heart. She had loads of friends at primary and up to COVID. When she went back, she struggled. She doesn't drink, she tried to join on nights out but friendships dried up. This summer her two besties went on hols without her, not even telling her they were going and broke her heart. I had hoped Uni would be a fresh start but she doesn't seem to be finding her people. And I worry endlessly.

You can't make her socialise with other people unless she wants to. Does she attend college as part of her apprenticeship? If do, she'll meet people there.

Yes, immensely true
& her dear daughter is far from being a hermit, too-God bless her 💚

You sound like my DF. Some people just don't want to go out or have loads of friends. Let her do what she wants.

She needs a boyfriend like a fish needs a bicycle 🙂

I think it's less about needing an actual boyfriend but more a need for the social opportunities that make things like finding a compatible life partner or building solid friendships possible.

I think a lot of young people are like that now. My son is 20 and he doesn't go out socialising. The word party is mentioned and he says no. He is on a degree apprenticeship and works from home so only goes to the office when he has to. There is a celebratory meal for his team as their big project went live last month and he isn't going to that, nor does he go to the apprenticeship meet ups at work either. He sees 2 friends but that is just through working on their cars together. Him and his brother (17) go to car shows but that's his limit.

My 17 year old is the same. He won't do parties as doesn't drink. Football, gym and car shows is what he does.

My 2 are happy doing what they want to do and thats what matters to me. Some people like socialising and some just like it quieter.

This. She seems like a lovely content young lady who prefers meaningful conversations with adults - there is nothing wrong with that. Some children are old souls, reasonable and confident in their own skin and don’t have FOMO.

pleae stop worrying and projecting your own thoughts on her, let her live her life.
be proud.