Teenage DD ( 19 )

[Libby011]

I’m looking for some advice.
My daughter, who’s almost 19, doesn’t really have a social life or many friends at the moment. When she was younger in primary school, she was very popular — always invited to parties, sleepovers, and so on. Things slowed down a bit in secondary school, mostly due to logistics and where everyone lived, but she still had a nice friendship group and would meet up with them on weekends and for birthdays.
When she started sixth form, she wasn’t that interested in socialising outside school. She didn’t really enjoy parties or drinking, doesn't seem
to be interested in boys and was perfectly happy not to go out — which, honestly, suited us fine as there were no late-night pick-ups or worries about getting home. I did have to encourage her to go to the occasional local party with her closest friends, which she did and seemed to enjoy.
Now, most of her friends have gone off to university, and she doesn’t seem to have many people left to see — just a couple of friends she hasn’t made much effort to keep in touch with. She’s been out once since September with her best friend from primary school, but they don’t have much in common anymore.
She’s recently started an apprenticeship, but it’s a small office with only a few older ladies. I try to encourage her to get out more or meet new people, but she’s just not that bothered. She’s happiest spending time with me and my friends, or with my husband doing practical things like fixing things around the house, cutting the grass, or going for long walks.
She has joined the gym with her older brother’s girlfriend and goes two or three times a week — I think she feels comfortable and safe in her company. She also has a few hobbies, but again, they mainly involve older women rather than people her own age.
I can’t help feeling like she’s missing out on a lot. That said, she seems perfectly happy, and everyone in the neighbourhood adores her — she’s confident chatting to adults and gives as good as she gets in conversation.
Am I worrying unnecessarily?

I was like that when I was 19. At that time I couldn’t drive and my friends were scattered over a wide rural district. My dad was my chauffeur! I’m a shy sort, reserved, so this is my normal state. Now in my late 40s with a child that’s moved out and with no current partner, I am trying to make new friends but I find it as difficult as I did at 19. My dad is the same as me!

She probably just needs time to adjust to adult life, she is happy and wants to hang out with you - most parents will be jealous of this!

Enjoy the time, one day she will start doing other things and you will likely miss her company.

be happy and proud she is happy, liked and settled.

Honestly, I did the uni, going out drinking every night thing and all I have to show from it is regrets and debt! I’m now in my late 20’s, and settled down with my own family and one of my my best friend’s is a woman from work in her 50’s haha. I much prefer life now! She’ll be fine, she sounds like she has her head screwed on at a young age, starting her career and you should be proud of how you’ve raised her.

I often think she needs a boyfriend, but seen as she hardly ever goes out im wondering how she will meet someone

Probably online. It's how many young people start dating.

Honestly she sounds like a lovely girl and that you have a great relationship, but don't feel guilty for having some time to go out with your friends on your own especially as she seem fine with it x

I’m in the same situation. I’m just letting mine be, she will spread her wings when she’s ready.

I think I agree with PP suggesting that you make sure that you are doing some socialising without her so she gets used to it in a gradual way.

It's very difficult when so many of her potential peers are going to be away at university at this age. The fact that she has interests and a job is a good sign here though. There's people her age that don't work and just stay home gaming, she's in a position where it's at least possible for her to meet other people and do interesting things.

YANBU.

She should be at her social peak atm. It's a lot harder to build and maintain social circles as we get older.

OP - With the best will in the world, you are projecting on to your daughter the things that you want her to do. The phrase “I often think she needs a boyfriend” says it all. Maybe she doesn’t want to get bogged down with a partner at the age of 19, or maybe she’s not attracted to males and is working all this out for herself. Nowadays young people don’t have to “go out” to meet people, there is something called the internet (for better or worse).

You sound like a really good, supportive parent who considers your DD in your family dynamic, and that’s great, but as others have said, do your own thing too when you want to. Is this your issue, rather than hers? Perhaps look inwards and work on yourself as to what is really bothering you about this situation. It’s hard for parents of millennials and Gen Z, with the cost of living and housing costs, they often remain at home as adults for much longer than we did.

I have been reading a book called "hold on to your kids" which is about the dangers of children attaching themselves to people other than parents, particularly peers. According to what I have read it is to the good that she feels secure and attached to you and any relationships she forms outside of the family will be on her own terms and most likely healthy with appropriate boundaries. I wouldn't "push her out of the nest" just yet probably, in a few months or a year things will start to change naturally

Volunteering. Our shop has several young people sent (not sure where they are sent from ? some job seekers group) because they have anxiety or something holding them back. The idea is they learn to work the till etc gain confidence then go on to a better paid job. It seems to work, though none of them have full time jobs so come in when it suits them and as often as they want.
Perhaps there is somewhere like that she could try.

I wouldn’t worry OP. I lost touch with my school friends when I was 18 as I started work full time and most friends went to uni. I started a job where most people I worked with were 20 years + older than myself and I loved it. I’m now in my mid 30s and some of these people I worked with at 18 are still my closest friends now 20 odd years later. If shes happy and content then leave her be. If that changes then be there to support.

Honestly I think the first step is that you make time for your own life, she shouldn't be tagging along all the time. I'm sure she didn't let you tag along when she last went out with her friends! Maybe she needs to be told this kindly once in a while. You are also at risk of losing friends or being excluded if she is always there, even if she is nice and polite it affects the dynamic for others. She will find her own way in life, you need to trust her. I think you maybe treat her a bit younger than she is? She is a young adult, people don't normally call 19 yr olds teens.

My son was a bit like this but for him going to uni was the turning point. Lots of new friends and a lovely girlfriend very quickly. I know your dd hasn’t gone to uni but is it something she didn’t want to do? (student debt etc is the downside).

Shes developing friendships with the people she actually has around her in her normal life.
She isnt at school or college or working in a really young centerered environment, then friendships will start being with different social demographics.
I dont think its a bad thing. She will likely have different jobs and different friendships during her life. Just because they arent her age, doesnt mean they are less important

A wise person once said to me “don’t judge your children’s friendships on your own.”

I always had a big friendship group and needed to be out and about. I was so worried about DS, he had 2 close friends, that was it, but he was happy.

That was years ago, things have shifted again, he has small groups in different places. He is happy.

You sound like a great mum, don’t worry (easier said than done) also, she sounds like a great 19 year old!

You might think she needs a boyfriend but does she?

You're not being unreasonable but you are worrying unnecessarily. But you're a mum and sound like a good'un, and that goes with the territory.

She doesn’t need a boyfriend, nobody does, and this is such a horrible internalised message we end up with. Please be careful not to pass that on to her.

My dd is similar, she has now done 3 years at uni, has friends from Uni but since being home hasn’t arranged to see any of them. She has a job within an all main workplace (mainly older engineering type men), she gets on well with everyone but doesn’t want to go out socialising with them. She’s now getting involved with some of my hobbies which mainly involve older people…..again she gets on well with all of them. My dd is learning to drive and I am hoping she will then get out and about more but even her friends from uni spend a lot of time doing things alone (one is currently on a city break on their own). Things just seem a lot different for young people now and in a way it’s probably a good thing that they don’t rely on other people to be happy.

If she gets on with her brother & his girlfriend, can you encourage her to go out with them occasionally? Presumably they will have a younger friendship group.

I can see both sides - yes she is happy so leave her be. But also, is she going to ‘wake up’ in a few years time & find her social life has shrunk to nothing, and any current friends have moved on to the next phase of their lives without her.

She may well meet a partner at the gym.