Teenage DD ( 19 )

[Libby011]

I’m looking for some advice.
My daughter, who’s almost 19, doesn’t really have a social life or many friends at the moment. When she was younger in primary school, she was very popular — always invited to parties, sleepovers, and so on. Things slowed down a bit in secondary school, mostly due to logistics and where everyone lived, but she still had a nice friendship group and would meet up with them on weekends and for birthdays.
When she started sixth form, she wasn’t that interested in socialising outside school. She didn’t really enjoy parties or drinking, doesn't seem
to be interested in boys and was perfectly happy not to go out — which, honestly, suited us fine as there were no late-night pick-ups or worries about getting home. I did have to encourage her to go to the occasional local party with her closest friends, which she did and seemed to enjoy.
Now, most of her friends have gone off to university, and she doesn’t seem to have many people left to see — just a couple of friends she hasn’t made much effort to keep in touch with. She’s been out once since September with her best friend from primary school, but they don’t have much in common anymore.
She’s recently started an apprenticeship, but it’s a small office with only a few older ladies. I try to encourage her to get out more or meet new people, but she’s just not that bothered. She’s happiest spending time with me and my friends, or with my husband doing practical things like fixing things around the house, cutting the grass, or going for long walks.
She has joined the gym with her older brother’s girlfriend and goes two or three times a week — I think she feels comfortable and safe in her company. She also has a few hobbies, but again, they mainly involve older women rather than people her own age.
I can’t help feeling like she’s missing out on a lot. That said, she seems perfectly happy, and everyone in the neighbourhood adores her — she’s confident chatting to adults and gives as good as she gets in conversation.
Am I worrying unnecessarily?

I’m so sorry your daughter is feeling like this.Is she in her first year at Uni? I think it takes time to meet your crowd when you first get there. I know from my own experience it took me until the 2nd year to find mine. What are her interests and are there any societies that would reflect this? Has she approached student support? I guarantee she will not be the only person feeling like this.

Where I live there is a ‘girls club’ like a modern WI, the do a different activity at each meeting, crafts, yoga, etc. I’m sad I’m far too old to join. Maybe look and see if something similar.

Hard to relate because at 19 I really wasn’t interested in my parents at all and was off at uni doing my own thing.

I guess if she says she is happy leave her to it but honestly I’d probably feel the same way as you.

For those saying 'let her be' I think the point is that this teenager is not moving away from her parents in a normal way. It's not something you can understand unless you have a child/ teen who has not developed that independence.

It's sad, worrying and stressful - no parent really wants their 19 year old with them all the time - because that young person is not spreading their wings and is holding back from doing the exact same things they are doing but with people their own age.

I would ask if there is neurodiversity op? As my autistic daughter is like this.

So it's not really a 'leave her to it' is it? the op is acting as carer/parent as if she was much younger than she is.

I have noticed this neurodivergent children and adults seem much more likely to stay at home and be closer to their parents. I was like this although I did leave home late 20’s so give her time.

😘

Thank you

Exactly this, its tough…… you just want the best for them.

I agree, my son changed universities after his first year as he wasn’t enjoying it. It meant he had to start again from scratch, but it was worth it for him. He absolutely loves his life at uni and he is a little bit more mature now too. The only downside to this was that he will finish a little later than his friends, but he’s fine with this.

I'm autistic and I have never needed people my own age. I'm 58 and all my friends bar one are in their 30s. We tend not to get on with NT people of our own age group. My DGF told me when I was 18 that I was rebelling by not rebelling. I was happy at home with my computer.

She's got plenty of time, she's 19. I'm the same, I'm 58, my DH died last year and I have 4 DC. Now I'm at the point where I realise that I don't need a romantic relationship, what I do have is much easier and less stressful.

Very true,
im sorry for your loss.

Thanks.

She sounds lovely, like she knows herself well and is happy. She also seems pretty busy really. No one needs loads of friends, just a few genuine ones.

Honestly just enjoy it, my 17 year old daughter goes to lots of parties and has lots of friends but her closest (although not at the moment!) group of girls are pretty toxic and she’s always upset after one drama or another. Everything is hard work. I can see it continuing at university. She’s always worrying about what people think too - it’s so mentally tiring to be honest!! My boys are so much easier and straightforward.

I hope all these replies have reassured you!

Thank you. She started last year and wasn't ready, so this is attempt 2. She has been doing lots of clubs and I agree, I hope it's just a matter of time. And, to be fair to her housemates, they have been very inclusive and they are doing things together but she is finding it difficult. I will have a look at student support, thank you.
AND, I know my daughter is neurodivergent but it has never been recognised. Her Dad is as well and was very anti having any review as he didn't and doesn't think it helps, but I think understanding why you feel this way may help on the process. We just need to hang on in their as mum's!