To think it’s inappropriate how my neighbour treats her daughter?

[Ruchardson]

I live next door to a lady with a 15 year old daughter and for over a decade we’ve attended the same church.

The daughter was subject to an unfortunate bullying, humiliating incident at her school - also the school my kids go to - one is in the year ahead of this, one is in the year below.

This girl is overweight. has an unattractive haircut as her mother insisted on cutting it. She also doesn’t seem to have many friends - just people who seem to take advantage and humiliate her.

I was in this lady’s house on Saturday night - and she talked about her daughter - and she seems to think the main problem with her daughter is that she doesn’t have much of a social life. I asked - well who could she really socialise with? - and my neighbour said ‘Jane’ - Jane is a girl aged 16 who’s in our church but goes to a different school. She’s a few months older than my neighbour’s daughter so similar enough age. Then my neighbour said “I know my daughter doesn’t like ‘Jane’ but they could be suitable as friends.

AIBU ti think that my neighbour is parenting her 15 year old daughter completely inappropriately - she’s practically trying to set up ‘play dates’ between 15 and 16 year olds - who even in her own words don’t seem overly keen on each other?

what I feel her daughter needs is not other kids ‘pushed’ on her but instead - a lot of intense emotional support? Even being pulled out of the school and making a fresh start elsewhere as according to my kids she’s really having a hard time at the school. In my opinion - the problem is she needs a confidence boost and not to ‘increase her social life’ per se - I think my neighbour’s got it wrong.

my own kids are 2 boys btw - and I think it’s girl companions my neighbour wants for her daughter

You must be very close to this neighbour if you’re socialising at her house on a Saturday night? Less a neighbour and more a friend?

Yanbu at all

My dm used to do the same thing to me. We are now estranged.

Poor kid. Hope she gets her fresh start.

If you are both members of the same church is it possible for you to have a confidential talk with your Minister about your concerns for your neighbour's dd?
Possibly they might be prepared to at least talk to this woman and she might listen to a person whose guidance and opinion she presumably would respect.

Yes a friend - we do spend a lot of time in each other’s company

Well clearly

so odd to describe her as a neighbour
completely different relationship

It sounds the right choice for you to have gone no contact. !!

Good for you - it can’t have been an easy decision !

She’s also my NDN

A week or so ago there was a post from someone reminiscing her childhood saying she was really upset in hindsight that as a teenager, she had no friends and her mum forced her to hang out with a girl from church. Is this you, putting a new angle/POV on the story?!

This is a good idea actually.

When the humiliating, bullying behaviour came out in the school I do know that the mother contacted the Minister then. I don’t know the exact context of the conversation but I do know that it was along the lines of the mum being concerned about her daughter being bullied and people trying to ‘destroy’ her through malicious gossip - because next week the theme of the Sunday School class was how gossip can destroy people and therefore not to believe all gossip you hear - but without referencing this incident directly.

While there are other things your neighbour could also be doing, encouraging friendships away from school isn't inappropriate, or a bad idea. Socialising away from the toxic bullying culture at her school could be really good for the daughter, and boost her confidence by being around people who like her. The kid from church who the daughter doesn't really get on with might not be the best option, but it comes across as a desperate mum trying her best to think of anything that could help.

Maybe you could suggest she encourage the daughter to joint some kind of club or youth group, see if any more natural friendships crop up that way.

Yes but first and foremost she’s a close and long standing friend and that very relevant fact will determine what is and isn’t appropriate in this situation!

Good ideas potentially - but I also feel her daughter needs to feel more confident in HERSELF FIRST - iyswim - before she concentrates on building relationships with other kids - just my opinion though

No im not even aware of many church related MN threads! Church going doesn’t seem that popular amongst MN ers or at least isn’t talked about

You should MYOB.

If you feel that there's child abuse taking place then you need to notify SS.

Otherwise it's not your problem.

I think you need to tell her what your sons say about her daughter having such a hard time and maybe offer to talk it through with her and the minister. The girl is obviously suffering. Though with the detail you have given, ie the odd haircut which the mother insists on, and how her dsughter should have a particular friend. makes me wonder if the mother is also bullying.

I think there are things being alluded to but not said here - such as the mention of the haircut. You've brought it up for a reason. Are you trying to say that partly due to the mother's choices the daughter looks unattractive and, children being cruel as they are, she is being bullied (in part) for things like this? Church children are rarely the 'cool' or popular kids and while this shouldn't be important, among teenagers it is. What do your sons think is the problem for this girl, the reason she's bullied, and do you agree with them? For what it's worth, a decent haircut alone is not really the solution to bullying but I also think it's unkind and unrealistic as a parent to not do what you can to help your children fit in on a reasonable and appropriate level.

Have you said anything to the mother about what you think about the haircut situation? How is she likely to respond?

The mother should also forget about trying to push certain friendships, particularly when it's clear they're not appropriate. What she could do is help her child explore clubs and activities around subjects she's interested in to improve the child's social opportunities and let her make her own friends.

Yes this is what I feel about the mother - girl is an only child - father works away and is a very passive, meek man - so no one else to raise the alarm - as it were

The hair cutting thing is quite weird. I get why that rings some quiet alarm bells tbh.

Her suggesting her dd hangs out with a nice girl from church is not really an issue as far as I can see.

Yea I do think personally that the girl js being bullied because of the mum’s behaviour towards her in different ways

cutting hair when girl didn’t want it
pushing friendships
Mum appears ‘cold’ towards the girl

Yes ok I can see why the ‘nice girl from church’ thing may seem benign but - she’s trying to forge ‘play dates’ between 15/16 year olds !

My exact thoughts

Hmm I don't know the people, so possibly seeing it irl would be different. However, i think that trying to get two similar aged girls to hang out when your dd is being bullied at school and doesn't have any friends, is not necessarily a bad thing. Certainly not a malicious thing on its own and on the face of it. But context is everything.

Does the daughter have, or could she have undiagnosed, a mild learning disability? By age 15 in rhese circumstances I would expect her to be showing rebellion, anger and/or depression possibly with self harm. MLD might explain why these arent showing. Or is she afraid of her mother?

A year earlier she did go through a rebellious phase - telling teachers to fuck off, hitting other girls at school etc ..

but yes she is afraid of her mother.

I think she’s comfort eating due to her unhappiness as she’s clearly overweight

When she was badly behaved at school her mum was threatening to get her to move school so she soon stopped