To think it’s inappropriate how my neighbour treats her daughter?

[Ruchardson]

I live next door to a lady with a 15 year old daughter and for over a decade we’ve attended the same church.

The daughter was subject to an unfortunate bullying, humiliating incident at her school - also the school my kids go to - one is in the year ahead of this, one is in the year below.

This girl is overweight. has an unattractive haircut as her mother insisted on cutting it. She also doesn’t seem to have many friends - just people who seem to take advantage and humiliate her.

I was in this lady’s house on Saturday night - and she talked about her daughter - and she seems to think the main problem with her daughter is that she doesn’t have much of a social life. I asked - well who could she really socialise with? - and my neighbour said ‘Jane’ - Jane is a girl aged 16 who’s in our church but goes to a different school. She’s a few months older than my neighbour’s daughter so similar enough age. Then my neighbour said “I know my daughter doesn’t like ‘Jane’ but they could be suitable as friends.

AIBU ti think that my neighbour is parenting her 15 year old daughter completely inappropriately - she’s practically trying to set up ‘play dates’ between 15 and 16 year olds - who even in her own words don’t seem overly keen on each other?

what I feel her daughter needs is not other kids ‘pushed’ on her but instead - a lot of intense emotional support? Even being pulled out of the school and making a fresh start elsewhere as according to my kids she’s really having a hard time at the school. In my opinion - the problem is she needs a confidence boost and not to ‘increase her social life’ per se - I think my neighbour’s got it wrong.

my own kids are 2 boys btw - and I think it’s girl companions my neighbour wants for her daughter

This is bad. I can see that you are in a difficult position and perhaps why you didnt rush to identify your NDN as a friend. But you mentioned blowing the whistle. Have any thoughts about the best way forward? Do you think the mother would listen to you if you tried to talk to her? How would the minister react if you talked to him initially? Though my view is you should get an appointmenf with the school head and talk about your safeguarding concerns with them.

My sons actually witnessed the daughter being violent towards another girl in school in front of everyone on the school bus stop - while pupils were waiting for the school bus - a teacher intervened though and put a stop to things. The school is predominantly a ‘naice’’ middle class school and my neighbour on the face of it is naice and middle class - so this type of ‘nasty’ , public incident is virtually unheard of in the school and many kids standing around were apparently disgusted at the girl’s behaviour - she drew blood from the other girl. My sons don’t like the girl but think she’s odd rather than inherently a wrong ‘un iyswim.

I can’t bring it up directly with the mother she’s got a bossy, defensive personality

Maybe I missed this but if she’s been bullied at school, surely the mother should be talking to the school not the church

Yes I completely agree with you - I personally don’t think talking to the church makes it any easier

I also picked up on this hair thing. Are you close enough friends that you could gently get her to see that her home done haircut is part of the reason she's being bullied and has zero confidence. Could you take the girl to get a proper haircut to help her feel good about herself?

That’s the thing - the mum has got a bossy defensive personality so no I don’t think she’d listen if I talked to her - both her and her husband are in senior jobs so don’t like anyone pointing negative things out about their child.

It’s a very ‘naice’’ middle class church and as you can imagine often in ‘naice’’ middle class circles problems are brushed under the carpet.

interestingly - the girl has apparently asked her mum SEVERAL times if she can go to a reasonably near school but one that’s in a solidly working class catchment area. This school she wants to go to has poor results and no middle class parents would choose to send their kids here. I think the girl’s psychology is that she wouldn’t know anyone at this school and could make a fresh start. I actually, can fully understand this and maybe in the circumstances this actually would be a good option for her - but her mum’s not having any of it

Her mum sounds like she’s struggling herself with her daughter, from what you’ve said she sounds very controlling. Her daughter would maybe benefit from some
sport/gym or similar to help improve
her confidence and maybe meet some new friends. Forcing someone at church as her friend is ridiculous. I also struggle to see how she cuts her hair. My DC would just refuse, what’s she doing to force this? It sounds very unhealthy.
Both sound like they’d benefit from therapy.

Ah just to clarify- it’s not a home done haircut - it’s from local hairdressers BUT it used to be long - just standard nice long hair. Mum has had it cut even though daughter didn’t want it so that it’s ’page Boy’ style cos it’s what the mum wanted - unfortunately her hair has curled outwards in an unfortunate and perhaps unforeseen way.

but it’s cut by hairdressers not home cut

Oh right, I thought the mum had cut it herself!

Still shouldn't be up to her how her dd's hair is cut at that age. I'm surprised the stylist agreed to do it!

Hopefully she'll be going to college soon where she'll get a chance to learn who she really is and shine, that's what happened with me.
If I were you I'd try to get across to the daughter that if she needs someone to vent to then you have an ear to listen.

All sounds very 'Midsomer Murders' to me.
Eventually the girl will shovel her mother over the head and set a barn fire locally to dispose of the body. The 'meek' father will come back and have the daughter sent to a nice private institution where she will lose 5 stone and re-enter society in about 4 years time. She will be ravishingly beautiful by then so all will be forgiven.....until people start dying mysteriously and rumours will run rampant about the beautiful but strange girl at number 21.....

I’m struggling to understand why the girl wouldn’t protest to a boys haircut if she didn’t want it? Or why the hairdresser didn’t refuse to cut the hair of a 15!!! year old who didn’t consent.

somthing is very off here. And it’s not going to get fixed by being friends with jane

She’s probably nasty or violent to her daughter behind the scenes to get her to comply. OP is too scared to talk to the mum.

If anything I would make it known I think it’s cruel to make her have that shit haircut.

I would be very worried about how controlling the mum is if she was able to force a haircut onto a 15 year old. If she used forceful bad language at school in the past, it's surprising she hasn't used it on her mother. She must be quite fearful of her.

Church people all the same, seen some of the most appalling parenting from people who call themselves Christians. Makes my blood boil.

Reading this makes me very uncomfortable.
I cannot imagine thinking so little of a friend that I would post such a negative summary of her relationship with her daughter.
You seem quite unkind, very focussed on appearance. Why would you even be discussing a child’s hair cut and commenting on her weight?
With friends like you who needs enemys?

I feel very sorry for this girl. Confidence in yourself starts young. It comes from being heard, from having parents who care about you, your feelings and your viewpoint, who make it clear that you matter, who "scaffold" you in difficult situations and are there to catch you when you fall (literally and metaphorically). It comes from them providing a secure base that you can retreat to, and from that base you grow in the courage to strike out on your own. And this has happened from a young age, so that by the time you're a teen you might be shy in certain situations but you've had enough practice at social interactions to know how to go about connecting with others, and you've had sufficient successes to not take rebuffs personally.

It's difficult to know where to start with fixing this one, but unconditional, supportive parental love and understanding would be a start, I suppose. But if it wasn't there before, it's not suddenly going to develop now.

OP, I posted on your other trhead where you were saying this has realy afffected you and you cant forgive your mum for making you be friends with 'Jane'

You really need to let it go, or get some therapy, It was a long time ago 💐

Everything you've said points to this girl being seen as 'weird' by her school mates. Her mother sounds very controlling. Religious people (in my experience) can use religion to justify being abusive (obviously not always, but it does happen) and sometimes have very disciplinarian/authoritarian outlooks. She sounds like this odd family who used to live up the road from me when I grew up - religious, overweight, clothes and hair looked like they came from several decades earlier, the two girls appeared to have one skirt between them that they wore every day (not at the same time obvs, they weren't THAT weird). It's hard to know what you could do to make a difference though.

Sounds like the daughter needs a decent haircut, a fresh set of clothes, to attend a drama club to boost her confidence and social skills (and then she can project body confidence, too) and make friends,

A fresh start at school would be good, but she’s in the middle of gcse’s. Not unheard of, though.

The mother on the other hand needs to stop restricting her daughter’s ability to take important steps to independence. The limiting of friendship opps needs to stop.

I think it's really odd that you even pointed out that OP is also her neighbour's friend. Don't you wonder why you're the only poster who has an issue with this?

Do you not see that how one may address this situation differs from if you were just neighbours ie said hi and bye to one another as most of us do with our neighbours versus a very close and enduring friendship, which this is!

Ah…. There’s a back story.

yes I sensed something more was going on here

I can’t bring it up directly with the mother she’s got a bossy, defensive personality

Sure you can. You just don't want to.

You're a churchgoer. What would Jesus do?

Or, if the OP is cosplaying an imaginary neighbour as she reimagines her childhood being viewed by someone external to it.