To think it’s inappropriate how my neighbour treats her daughter?

[Ruchardson]

I live next door to a lady with a 15 year old daughter and for over a decade we’ve attended the same church.

The daughter was subject to an unfortunate bullying, humiliating incident at her school - also the school my kids go to - one is in the year ahead of this, one is in the year below.

This girl is overweight. has an unattractive haircut as her mother insisted on cutting it. She also doesn’t seem to have many friends - just people who seem to take advantage and humiliate her.

I was in this lady’s house on Saturday night - and she talked about her daughter - and she seems to think the main problem with her daughter is that she doesn’t have much of a social life. I asked - well who could she really socialise with? - and my neighbour said ‘Jane’ - Jane is a girl aged 16 who’s in our church but goes to a different school. She’s a few months older than my neighbour’s daughter so similar enough age. Then my neighbour said “I know my daughter doesn’t like ‘Jane’ but they could be suitable as friends.

AIBU ti think that my neighbour is parenting her 15 year old daughter completely inappropriately - she’s practically trying to set up ‘play dates’ between 15 and 16 year olds - who even in her own words don’t seem overly keen on each other?

what I feel her daughter needs is not other kids ‘pushed’ on her but instead - a lot of intense emotional support? Even being pulled out of the school and making a fresh start elsewhere as according to my kids she’s really having a hard time at the school. In my opinion - the problem is she needs a confidence boost and not to ‘increase her social life’ per se - I think my neighbour’s got it wrong.

my own kids are 2 boys btw - and I think it’s girl companions my neighbour wants for her daughter

Yes

this op is very fucked up. That other thread… mind blowing. And to think she’s a parent herself is nothing short of terrifying

I, too, think this is the same poster.
Very similar story.

Helping her gain interest and confidence is a first step. Finding an activity she’d be interested in… sport, yoga, art, drama, music, needlepoint, bird watching… It doesn’t really matter. Finding an interest or a passion will be a great way to connect with others, even if they’re not at school and will start building her confidence and friendship group over time.

I’ve never seen the term “naice” before. 🤷‍♀️

No I don't see that. Some people are friends with their neighbours, just like the OP.

Take it you haven’t read the backstory to this

the 15 year old is the op

she is a very troubled woman who is obsessed with her past

She absolutely can't change schools until GCSEs are over.

After that though it's an ideal time.

I read the other thread at the time so I know what one is being referred to. I don't think it's the same poster.

I and others do 🤷‍♀️

and the op hasn’t been back….

Have you not? "Naice" is a MN staple - "naice ham" has been a thing here for years.

I haven’t posted on another thread !!!

As far as I can see - my neighbour hasn’t taken any action to make her daughter be friends with Jane. She just talked about it to me in passing. As it stands right now, her daughter and Jane are NOT friends - as I say it’s just something the mum mentioned not me casually but she’s not yet put into practice!

A "pageboy" isn't a 'boy's haircut' - it's just another name for a bob but not really used since the 80s (when I had one).

Bob was seen as 'cooler' - but it's not different.

I guess not or I assumed it was a typo. Perhaps from a different part of the U.K.🤷‍♀️

Same op?!
That explains a lot! So basically in this story she’s the girl and just trying to see what we all think from another pov. How bizarre

Just to clarify - sorry - the girl was younger than 15 when the hairdresser cut it - she was still in primary school - but 11 - so the later years.

When the girl was around 10 and up until 11 nearly 12 weeks she had lovely long hair

That’s a good idea actually ❤️

Yes just to clarify a page boy isn’t a boy’s haircut - like a previous poster said - it’s a Bob.

and got this haircut initially at aged 11 not 15 from previously having lovely long hair - but in the past 4 years hadn’t grown it out

It’s not the mum’s fault the daughter is being bullied and it sounds as if she is doing all she can think of eg trying to help her to forge friendships outside of school with nice, appropriately aged girls. You said when the mum threatened the daughter with moving schools due to her behaviour, she didn’t want this so perhaps she is insistent herself on staying at the school. At this age, she only has a year or so left before moving on to college or sixth form. It’s an awkward age, she will meet her tribe and figure herself out.

That's a very different thing.

Hoe do you know the mum forced her?

My DD had her hair cut into a bob at 11 - entirely her choice. I was sad, but it's her hair. You refer to it as "lovely long hair " - that's your opinion, and, by the sounds of it, you think girls "should" have long hair - because you described a bob as "unattractive".

I get the feeling this is more about what YOU think is 'right', than either of your neighbours.

Sorry like I’ve said tbh she was actually 11- when hair was initially cut

YANBU at all, she also needs to stop cutting the poor girl's hair and let her get a 'normal' haircut. These things matter so much to teenagers. Reminds me of my teenage years as an unpopular gawky child, and my mother had a similar attitude. I was the problem, I just needed to 'smile more' 🙄.

This sounds very gossipy. I’m not sure it’s any of your business.

Didn’t force physically but I remember her being talked into it by her mum

At least it means I won’t waste a nano second longer on the thread!

Same! The updates she’s posted suggest the same.

You seem curiously enmeshed in this mother-daughter scenario. You know enormous amounts about the daughter's relationships with people who 'take advantage of and humiliate her', about the bullying incident at school, the exact age at which her mother forced her to have an unattractive short haircut at the age of '11, nearly 12' (and you were present when the mother talked her into it), the bad behaviour at school, and the mother's threat to make her move school, the plan to enforce a friendship with another girl, the 'meek' working away father etc etc.

It's almost as though you were that girl, and that mother was your mother.

Even taking what you say at face value for a moment -- why are you theorising on the internet about your supposed friend's bad parenting? Why not intervene? Are you afraid of your friend's 'bossy' personality?

Or, alternatively, take a big step back and let them work it out?