To think it’s inappropriate how my neighbour treats her daughter?

[Ruchardson]

I live next door to a lady with a 15 year old daughter and for over a decade we’ve attended the same church.

The daughter was subject to an unfortunate bullying, humiliating incident at her school - also the school my kids go to - one is in the year ahead of this, one is in the year below.

This girl is overweight. has an unattractive haircut as her mother insisted on cutting it. She also doesn’t seem to have many friends - just people who seem to take advantage and humiliate her.

I was in this lady’s house on Saturday night - and she talked about her daughter - and she seems to think the main problem with her daughter is that she doesn’t have much of a social life. I asked - well who could she really socialise with? - and my neighbour said ‘Jane’ - Jane is a girl aged 16 who’s in our church but goes to a different school. She’s a few months older than my neighbour’s daughter so similar enough age. Then my neighbour said “I know my daughter doesn’t like ‘Jane’ but they could be suitable as friends.

AIBU ti think that my neighbour is parenting her 15 year old daughter completely inappropriately - she’s practically trying to set up ‘play dates’ between 15 and 16 year olds - who even in her own words don’t seem overly keen on each other?

what I feel her daughter needs is not other kids ‘pushed’ on her but instead - a lot of intense emotional support? Even being pulled out of the school and making a fresh start elsewhere as according to my kids she’s really having a hard time at the school. In my opinion - the problem is she needs a confidence boost and not to ‘increase her social life’ per se - I think my neighbour’s got it wrong.

my own kids are 2 boys btw - and I think it’s girl companions my neighbour wants for her daughter

Not want to appear rude, but Is it relevant? The lady wants advice rather than a critique of the terminology she had used.

Well that’s quite a different story then!!

She had a haircut five years ago why are you going on about it?

This is an odd thread. if the 15yo girl is being controlled by her mother - forcing her to have an unflattering haircut and trying to make her be friends with another girl from church - then the girl herself needs to be encouraged to break free. She'll be an adult in 3 years after all.

To quote a poster on another thread, just standing over here, minding my own business.

Normally bobs ate encouraged when girls can't be bothered to look after long hair. What reasons did the mother give whilst talking her into it?

No reason just that she was going to high school

Speak to your parish safeguarding officer

Out of the entire 4 pages of responses the only ones OP has responded back to are about this 'girls' hair.
This is all very strange whichever POV it is supposedly being written from!

Just to say I’m not just responding to the hair posts - I’m grateful for everyone’s point of view on here and who have taken the time to reply.

To be honest, it was never my intention to intervene in any way - I just thought it was odd that the mother was thinking of ‘encouraging’ a play date almost between a 15 year old daughter and a similar aged girl. Just to say the 16 year old girl - Jane - she was looking to pair her up with had actually done her GCSEs and left school / I mean they’re not 5 and 6!!!!!

And just to say - there’s no ACTUAL friendship at the moment between the 15 and 16 year olds - it’s literally something the mum just mentioned in passing in response to my question. I only asked the mum about how she proposed to improve her daughter’s social life simply because I thought she was being unreasonable. I think it’s lack of confidence that’s the problem with the girl not lack of social life. I feel in some ways my question to the mum was inappropriate- it’s a bit ‘intrusive’ in a sense and in a sense I was ‘putting her on the spot’ because I disagree with her, as it happened

I don’t think the mum will enforce this forced friendship at all she’s a bit all mouth no action. So just to reiterate - there’s no friendship and there’ll be no actual friendship (I think)

So a mum is concerned that her daughter who has just been bullied needs more positive social contact. You put her on the spot by asking who she could socialise with. She offers up the name of a girl you both know through church as an option. And now you are starting a mumsnet thread about it because the girl and her daughter aren't already friends as if the mum is overly invested in her having a relationship with this girl? Even though you don't think the mum will do anything to force the friendship.

Storm in a teacup, surely?

I don't think encouraging her daughter to explore possible friendships with people outside of the school goldfish bowl is a bad idea or at odds with your idea that the girl could use a bit more confidence. Both could be true and both could help each other.

It also doesn't sound like her mum is repeatedly forcing her to maintain a short haircut even if it isn't one you find attractive. I've had my hair both long and short, and can confirm that whilst it looks prettier long, it's much easier and quicker to take care of short and so I tend to have it short.

It sounds like you had a different idea from your friend about what would help her daughter best and instead of just offering up your own ideas about building her confidence, you feel the need to challenge and pick apart her own idea about socialising, not just to her but to us.

From what you've written - where you've taken a mild difference of approach (confidence first or friendships first) and used it to build a strawman which you are asking us to burn down whilst painting a weird unflattering version of their lives - it sounds like you aren't really their friend and maybe need to just back off a bit and focus on other parts of your life.

Yes, on the surface of it, parents don't normally arrange playdates for 15-16 year olds. But no, it isn't unusual for a parent of a teenager who is struggling socially to mention to someone she thinks is a friend that she's concerned about her daughter's social life. Then when her "friend" challenges her with who her daughter could socialise with, offer up a name both of them know.

What is a bit weird is for that "friend" then to use that to imply she's got a weird control over her daughter because she suggested a haircut the "friend" didn't like 4 years ago, that the daughter has maintained since. Meanwhile using the post to character assassinate them.

If you don't like her, just stop spending so much time with her.

Bobs and any hair cut that’s unflattering can be because the parents don’t want the child to be attractive or vain. The non light look
lovely on the other hand. This might be relevant in this case depending on the religious nature of the neighbouring mother.

I read it as OP goes to the same church so they are in a group that socialises. OP doesn’t really like the person and doesn’t consider her a friend. As the person is next door neighbour she said neighbour but equally she could have said fellow parishioner. Neighbour also explains why the 2 boys know her.

I read it as OP goes to the same church so they are in a group that socialises. OP doesn’t really like the person and doesn’t consider her a friend. As the person is next door neighbour she said neighbour but equally she could have said fellow parishioner. Neighbour also explains why the 2 boys know her.